Saturday, 27 December 2014

How the Teckelsteiners helped save Christmas

The Girls did not provide me with any thing new this year.

I think they spent part of xmas though harassing a certain show runner.
Apparently every time he opens a present he gets ANOTHER copy of the Dummies Guide to Digital Downloads: Special Edition. How to give Danny back his body.

Seriously the Doctor can't travel back in time and get a few genetic samples to create a clone body and then go forward to the future and find some one who can hack Gallifreyan tech?

Meanwhile for your Xmas reading pleasure.

 A Teckelstein Tale of the First Christmas

Apparently Three Wise Men and Some Shepherds needed a little help to reach that stable and witness a special event.

Bethlehem about 4 BC or 0 BCE ... whatever

There's a planetary conjunction or a supernova or whatever unusual celestial paranormal or other phenomen that will produce  the appearance of a star parking over Bethlehem after sunset.

Meanwhile in the local magistrate's office a specialist mercenary from Southern Germania has arrived. His speciality was normally getting well paid for hunting predators that might attack Roman soldiers setting up a camp and being an advance scout watching out for hostile locals.

He's from a little valley that will later be known as Teckelstein where there are many let us say ... protodachels!

Small valiant brave hounds so fearless the local wild pigs run and hide next to the giant elk deep in the darkest parts of the forest!

One such small valiant pack had accompanied that specialist into the office to the annoyment of the clerks who had been enjoying a couple of glasses of wine and a platter of the GOOD cheese and the WHITE bread and were now being pestered for pieces of cheese by the pack while the specialist Gwillhelmianus was speaking to the magistrate.

" NO you Judeans have a final l in your language so surely you can say Gwillo? Or Uillson?  Its so much shorter and easier?"

The magistrate glared and said

"I'm paying you not the Herodians or the Romans or the Temple.

Officially you're on leave but there's that little matter of the fight in the tavern about rooms and bookings and whether or not there was room in the tavern ...?

Some thing is bothering travellers on the roads. Some thing large and dark and sinister according to those travellers. Personally I think its just some lion or leopard or unusually large jackal thats come in from the desert but I need a expert now before there's a panic and one of the more sensible local herders tells me he's seen unusual tracks that he can't identify either so get out there and find out what it is before I have a delegation of irate smelly shepherders in my forecourt! Oh and if you're thinking of doing a runner ..."

The magistrate pointed at a cage on the floor,

"I have your prize hunting bitch who's about to whelp."

Gwillo growled.

"I'll need my weapons."

"Sign for them in the outer office." growled the magistrate back returning to the task of applying his seal to packets of census forms.

Gwillo glared at the contract he had to sign to get his weapons back.

It absolved the magistrate of any responsibility to pay for medical treatment if he got hurt  and was skilfully phrased to imply he was freelancing willingly for the magistrate.

"Hey there's no provision for a horse in this contract!"

The magistrate who didnt owe a horse himself despite being one of the richest people in town snorted.

"... or a litter with bearers or a chariot but I could spare one donkey or a riding mule perhaps?"

Some hours later Gwillo his pack and an unhappy mule carrying camping and hunting equipment had reached a sheepfold and were inspecting some very bizarre prints. Either several predators were in the area or one beast of indeterminate shape. Gwillo had never hunted shapeshifters and knew from stories from other hunters most claims of shapeshifters were caused by people wearing special boots or shoes with patterned soles trying to frighten others but these prints were just odd, disturbingly odd, blurred in one set and the very next quite crisp.

Both blurred and crisp prints were heading east towards the main road and then stopped.

"Every night the tracks are further east and some thing moving disturbs the herd," stated the  herder who had reported them to the magistrate. The tracks they stop at a spot overlooking the road as if whatever makes them is waiting for something or some one to arrive. They start where stories say there was once a shrine to the old ones the others who demanded blood sacrifices of children and ... last night I looked down the hill when I walked away from the fires to the ditch for you know what and I saw a shadow moving from shadow to shadow but in a straight line aiming for the road. Then the dogs started howling and some of them run towards the fires and away from the herds and something howled back. And what howled back was not a dog or wolf."

The senior herder made an ancient sign of protection sign with his fingers that would have gotten him in extreme trouble from the local priests and levites.

Gwillo set up a cold camp of a hide to protect the mule and unpacked nets and weapons set up to be easily grabbed and spear in one hand sat watching in a spot half way between where the herders camped at night and the road from the east where he could see the route the tracks had taken so far.  His pack of dwarf wolves patiently curled themselves up around his feet or beside him as they too waited for nightfall.


Night had came. Shadows deepened on the eastern slopes falling away from Bethlehem to the river Jordan and the road that brought traders merchants and tonight a monster.

Gwillo and his hounds did notice the stars seemed brighter than usual but he was looking away from the stars down towards the shadows waiting to see if they moved.

Suddenly it grew even colder and the hounds sniffed and growled and the sheep grew silent in their pens even the lambs and one of the shepherd's dogs whined fearfully.


Gwillo moved towards the shadow.

"Softly quietly lads and lassies let's see who's stalking who?"

The shadow stopped seemed to grow taller and turned north towards the road to Jerusalem.

In the distance Gwillo could see lights. He and the shadow moved towards them. A caravan had set up tents with lanterns on poles before them around fires. The tents were unusual styles not those of the local nomads. One seemed to be Egyptian or African the other possibly Parthian and a third tent was round not square. The fire and lantern light also showed these were tents made for wealthy people with no patches or sagging sections where a support or prop had broken and not been replaced. They were large tall tents a person could stand up inside of. And the lanterns were gold not copper!

The shadow that moved shrieked a cry of pain and envy.

"Aho one of those are you?" thought Gwillo who in the past had been called on to hunt men who were monsters. He still thought he was stalking a man wearing a dark cloak dyed a motley of colors that blended with the night shadows probably with pieces of shrub or plant or fur added to break up his outline.

From the distant fire chanting came and the scent of spices but the shadow moved closer. Gwillo followed.

The shadow stopped suddenly as if a fence or wall was there and instead of walking in a straight line moved off as if there was a circle around the camp. Someone closer to the fire got up and walked in a circle around it and just for a moment Gwillo thought he could see lines of light or a faint glow surging out in a pattern.

The shadow moved onwards and closer towards a group of what looked like camels maybe lying around or next to a heap of supplies covered with canvas. On the other side of the camels was a horseline with a guard.

The shadow started to scream again and the horses panicked and the camels rose to their feet.

Gwill and his pack started running crying out.

"Oy I know that Trick. Stay away thief you want to frighten those horses so they stampede through the camp!"

The shadow stopped and stood still arising its arms ... of which it seemed to have more than two.

Gwillo blinked. The dogs growled.

"NO its two men together carrying spears!" He thought and cried a command.

"High and low boys and girls high and low!"

The dogs knew their job. Jump up and grab a corner of clothing to hinder or divert the thrust of a sword or spear. Circle around feet and grab a cuff or end of a lacing of a boot or sandal  or butt and shove an ankle to make their prey lose their balance or concentration. And bark! Deep loud barks tearing straight the darkness!

They charged and leapt and yelped as they landed shivering and shaking as if they leapt into cold water. Gwillo swung his sword. It moved through the edge of the cloak as if the cloak was made of shadows. Gwillo took one step back but only to regain his  balance before he thrust a hunting spear at where a torso should be.

The spear passed through the shadow again. The shadow chittered mockingly and reached a limb out. One that looked ... Gwillo thought of an octopus he'd seen but octopuses had their beaks between their tentacles not at the end of a limb that curled and writhed and had things that looked like long thorns instead of fingers.

Gwillo took another step back.

The Shadow spoke.

"Unguarded. Unsealed. Unsworn. Mine."

"Bait Take take take you dangle like fish on hook to lure wise away from protections."

The dogs shackled and growled at it.

"Bah little dogs" The shadow made a wheezing noise.

"Scent? scent of holy place! scent of North. Other powers.

Bah too small. Ruin blessing of wise. Poison spice. Will hinder binding of avatar to this realm. No Willing Sacrifice Nonsense. Break myth pattern."

The shadow  grow taller and seemed to be about to throw itself over Gwillo.

"Hey you this knife is cold iron?"

"Not that kind of being!" taunted the shadow back. "Iron not pure blood use."

The stars suddenly grow brighter. Gwillo had the strangest feeling that somewhere behind him back up slope near where the shepherds were the cover had been removed from a very large bright lantern. He noticed two of his dogs were less afraid than others. Tau and Ankhet. Both of whom had silver amulets a tau cross and an ankh symbol. He'd had an exceptionally well paid job in Egypt for a temple and the priests had gave those  two in particular amulets and collars they said were blessed. The other hounds only had copper or lead amulets hanging from their collars or coins with holes drilled on them.

Will Gwillo survive and stop the demon?

Join us for the next instalment of Teckelmas A Teckelsteiner First Christmas adventure.

and yes that bright light upslope is  a certain messenger arriving!

Saturday, 6 December 2014

The past future and present crimes of the Temporal Pests

Earth 2 point something.

someone is smugly contemplating the damage his arrival has caused when a shrill greeting disrupts his revery.

"Hey stoneface howsait going!?"

Some one shudders.

Several hours later

" ... and blah blah blah "

Stoneface hisses  cos final letter of the greek abc doesnt work on Goullawks
" just eff off will you!"

"Oh I won the bet I made him swear ! "

Stoneface sobs

There are things even neogodlings dread and an afternoon spent with a Goullawk is one of them.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Hints for Grant Ward

Apparently next week if you're a US viewer lucky people sob
  #GrantWard of #AgentsofShield will be having some very special family fun time with his brother Satan er Xtian er well he's an evil Republican senator so here are some suggestions for things they can do together.

1)Throw Xtian into the boot of your car along with a phone set on speaker and as you drive sing into your phone to the tune of 10 Green bottles on a wall


2) He's a Republican Senator

tie him up and make him watch his own mid term advertising  several hundred times

3) He's a Republican Senator

You tube clips of Obama talking and smiling and being happy !

4) Tell him you're going to visit the last of your SHIELD and HYDRA emergency caches and donate to whoever his Democrat opponent is

5) He's a Republican Senator.

Give him some drug that temporarily blocks him from speaking dress him as a homeless person or remove all his ID and then leave him at a public hospital emergency room with a note taped to his clothing.

"I voted against Affordable Healthcare and extra funding for homeless vets!"

I do wonder what the script writers will come up with?

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Ward Wolf


I just got a delivery of some memos from someone's desk.

Director C&*#$% to All Staff

The Smoked Salmon is missing again!
I refuse to believe it was stolen by a talking dachshund.
There is NO such thing as a dimensional hopping sentient dachshund!

The pawprints leading to Vault D were NOT Funny.

When I'm on the subject of Vault D there is no truth to the claim Agent Skype walks "the monster from the vault" on a leash when there's a full moon.

I also want to speak to the person who smuggled a chocolate labrador Retriever onto the base. It is currently in my office trying to be friendly and wears a tag with the name "Buddy". Not funny!

Director C@#$%^# to all agents.

There is now a shoot on sight authorization for anyone entering food storage without written authorization. My clearance level has its privileges. Smoked salmon is one of them.

While I was off consulting with that Doctor from UNIT someone graffitied these words  on my office wall ...It's KREE! No spray paint is to be removed from the machine shop without authorization. Also why is there a copy of something called the Guide to the Marvel on my desk? We all know there are NO mutants or hidden cities in the Himalayas! Really People!

Director C#$%&*@ to All Staff

Wardwolf has escaped.
 More importantly my smoked salmon is still going missing!
And that chocolate labrador is still on base!
It is drooling at my plate of cookies!
I want that dog off base and the salmon returned or a locker search will be made!

Have I mentioned Goullawks and Teckelsteiners love salmon?

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Please Visit the Archives

I think the girls have been kidnapped by aliens or hydra or something.

Please visit the Archives and read older posts until they're released or escape.

Thursday, 16 October 2014


Fans of a certain  Cardiff produced TV program have noticed after a major tiff a certain English teacher changed her mind about a certain Traveller the next episode.

Someone apparently improved or had a refresher for their "dad skills" .

Others of you may remember a certain fan joke about Coulson referring to using the services of one of UNIT's consultants.


We now bring you yet another irresponsible piece of cross genre fanfic!

The office of a certain Director. All is quiet. The sound proofing is muffling the the howling from the basement. The damaged Brit is sharing the Xbox with a friend. The girls are practising on the target range. The Director is watching ballroom dancing videos on youtube.
Cloenig is on the phone with ... how many brothers does he have?

Suddenly a familiar noise fills the air and a large six sided object with doors on one side appears and a frantic figure leaps through the doors and bounds towards the Director's desk.

"You! You! You have to help me!" he screams in a mildly Glasgow Scots accent.

"How did you find this location!" snaps the Director.

"Oh I used to work for UNIT and my sort of maybe not yet dead wife goes shopping with a dragonoid and a dachshund who apparently know someone who "Ships" for some one ... was it Granite or Warden ... look I'll pay ... I'll give you my phone number!"

"Are you a certain xenobiology expert?" asks the Director.

"Yes! Yes thats me and I need a refresher in dad skills. My girl is being impossible! ... and I'll buy you a FULL tank of fuel for your AIRBUS!"


Some time later his pupil having left the Director is sitting at his desk typing up class notes having had a bright idea for a best selling DIY book to raise funds!

by Fil Martini

Lesson One Share and cook family meals!
Includes my recipe for kale and steak !

Is there any chance Whedon is reading this?

Come on humor include at least one reference to that British consultant!

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Agents of Naughtiness!

Agents of Naughtiness

probably #fanfiction   this couldnt have really happened anywhere in the multiverse? Could it?

What still no paypal tips ?

Okay you're just going to have to put up with another out of sequence of one of the girls' recent misadventures.

A secret facility somewhere  ... apparently you can land and hide an HUGE airbus with driving distance of wher- ever a certain general lives with no one noticing?

What a marvellous universe!

Director Carving into Walls is my new hobby is staring out  of the window and hasnt noticed the live feed from Vault 4 of just HOW Skype is interrogating Buddy's Best Friend who curiously is now wearing a WILFRED outfit with chocolate brown fur and is rolling on the floor either trying to look cute or convince Skype after that recent psychotic break he needs a REAL therapist!

Clonig or is he a droid is standing in front of the screen  clearly praying Director Yoga is not my Hobby stays by the window.

Just then a statue materializes in the middle of the office.

Well it looks like a statue but a door opens in the plinth and a certain notorious twosome emerge.

Goldie cheerfully and loudly.

"Hellooo darlings I understand you're recruiting?"

Director Gosh was that Kree Blood whirls around and spills his coffee as his first reaction on seeing our beloved Goullawk and Dachshund characters is to draw a gun.

"You were banned from ALL SHIELD Faculties!"

"We're willing to apologize for putting a smiley face on your boss' eyepatches!"

meekly declaimed the canine member of this duo.

"So are you recruiting!? We do filing and martial arts soo!"

Director Connect the Kree equations is about to snarl at them when he notices whats going despite downstairs despite Clonig standing in front of the screens.

"We also do therapy!" states Goldie!

"Thats it! I give up! I'm going to the real Tahiti!"

Just then Fitz wanders in from the lab and unlike everyone else in the room is not being hysterical.

"Oh helloo girls!"

He walks towards the plinth of the statue.

"Just where do you think you're going?" asks Director forced to travel coach.

"The girls are taking me to visit a special Doctor!"

Cut to final scene Director Over stressed is quietly sobbing.

He wanted to go visit the man in the Blue Box too!

More silliness sooner or later!

Argh grr must get back to fixing chapter 3 of REAL serious novel!

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

A Taste of Temporal Pests

A Taste of Temporal Pests.

Temporal Pests invites you to check out older posts while  I am editing and finishing another project. !

Expect more bumping!

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Temporal Pe(s)ts are ...

Temporal Pests is a shamelessly self indulgent piece of fan fic ... well we better hope its fan fic. Fictional characters don't really have adventures between the frames and pages ... do they ... reality doesn't really edit alter and reset ... there is no such thing as sentient dachshunds or dragonoids ... really?

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Locks and Loops

A small red being was plummeting through the time vortex or the multiverse or the source wall or the borders of time and space. Whatever. It hurt. Her fur was starting smoulder. She was starting to forget where or when she was going.

That was when she landed.

A corridor. She was in a corridor leading to ... herself.

She could see herself and Goldie in a holding cell.

Aaaargh was this a temporal loop or lock.

What if she's done this before?  Several times before?

That note with the list  had changed a couple of times!

Would it alter again?

To be continued until Sassy and Goldilock break the temporal loop or paypal donations arrive. Yes that means next week back to chapter one again!

Bwabahahah evil laughter etc ......

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Small Monsters

The girls have been busy.


Somewhere in the Middle East a small sonic screwdriver held by some one using a muzzle or snout as much a mouth as a “hand” with four digits was loosing parts of a missile launching device while another small being was quietly using a pencil held in an fanged opening that was more definitely a mouth to use a keyboard and erase or reset targetting software and programs. Two small monsters were doing their part for peace in a region beset by larger monsters.

A commanding voice interrupted their activities.


Two pairs of eyes turned towards the voice. One pair was onyx gold brown surrounded by golden red fur and the other opalescent purple surrounded by delicate barely visible small scales.

“I don't know what kind of ifrit or djin either of you are but I can see you!”

“Oh a human who can see us!” remarked the purple eyed dragonoid.

The young man held out an amulet with symbols inscribed on it that predated the Sumerians.

“Sorry sweetie that doesn't work on us!” remarked the onyx eyed one.

“B u u u t...”

“Cos we're not ifrits or djinni” chimed the other.

The young human uttered words he'd been taught in a language that was younger than the symbols on the amulet and sounded like some kind of Arabic but was older than even Quranic Arabic.

Some one else appeared.

"You called me to protect me oh young and most fortunate of … urk eek argh NOT them!” spluttered a being wearing an outfit that belonged on a Bedu shepherd wearing his best festival outfit.

The young man looked at the two small monsters or whatever they were and at his family's djinn.

“Obey! Protect this infidel kaffir smiting weapon!” he snarled.

The djinn hestitated and asked …

“Must I?”

“Yes must he?” asked the furry one,” cos I thought the problem you had around here was a bit too much faith not a lack?”

“What she said!” stated the djinn who'd been peacefully resting in a cave near Petra reading through a basket of books and scrolls that contained the secret diaries of a Idumean Princess, her copy of Sappho's poetry, the real Gospel of Barnabas, and a copy of Queen Cleopatra's recipe book for perfumes, poisons, and potions for treating childhood diseases.

The djinn had been half away through a juicy passage of gossip about a certain emperor and was eager to get back to it.

“Oh this is the be careful how I say my commands thing isn't it? Oh mighty spirit bound to serve my family for a thousand years and ten thousand wishes which ever comes first remove these two beings to some place faraway where they may smite enemies of my people!”

The two small monsters and the djinn disappeared.

A short while later faraway at a tank depot the girls resumed their creative alterations.

“All those bound djinn being invoked when people see us makes getting into military bases and past security systems so much easier! So do you want to jam the tank treads or do we cut the fuel lines this time? Or how about we snafu the computer inside this tank first so we're working inside unseen in case they have any Golem?”

Far above the shadows of dark wings and worse things greater monsters watched their work of chaos unfold across the region as two small monsters did their best to reduce some of the violence.

Okay  this probably didn't happen in our universe ... probably ... but ...

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Next stop a pit stop

We last saw one of our heroines arranging for messages to be delivered.

The other?

Out from a steaming pit flumped an infuriated Goullawk who was also steaming.

Literally with purple fumes coming out of her nostrils.

She inhaled and shrieked.


Unfortunately for our villians no one saw her rise from the pit.

Otherwise Stratagem 36 would have been operative.

The Goullawk is in a dangerous to others VERY MAD BAD mood.

Multiverse Beware!

To be continued at the usual erratic rate. Sooner or later.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

My characters are missing!

My characters a sentient dachshund and a Goullawk are STILL Missing!

I have been informed they may be hiding  at SDCC?

You have been warned.

If you are attending San diego Comic convention and  have had  sashimi sushi or hot dogs or any kind of sausage on a roll or other items disappear I will not be held responsible!

They may be disguised using holographic imagers as balloon animals or stuffed toys or ...

I also disclaim any responsibility for the incident with the cosplaying midgets or children dressed as a small dragonoid and a raccoon launching  "fireworks" from "rayguns" while shrieking


Sunday, 20 July 2014

Some where in the multiverse

Somewhere in the multiverse ... two  lazy characters have forgotten to update their author! Their poor author with a severe case of the winter blues ...

"Did you hear distant screaming?'

"We frequently hear distant screaming?"

"It sounded like our author. I better check our diary."

Shrieking more shrieking

"we're THAT OVERDUE ..."

Some people are having their sashimi rations cut. Not me.

Thursday, 19 June 2014


Sassy's trip through the vortex had brought her to the Door that goes almost Everywhere and When.

"DODO's Super Flying Ultra Postal Service Head Office Please!"

In an neglected corner of fan fiction was Generic City
(see Just a Lotta animals if you can find it)
and in Generic City was a service run about some very special pigeons and parrots and other Avians. someone had genespliced a pigeon a dodo and possibly a bit of African Grey parrot. The result had a perch behind a counter and was wearing a ww2 fighter pilot cap.

"Oh hello Sassy havnt seen any of your folk for a while."

"Dodo dear do you have an active link to Teckelstein?" asked Sassy as she trotted behind the counter into the staff area.

"I've got a tech team looking at that now. The light keeps blinking on and off!"

The pigeon flapped down a corridor and Sassy trotted swiftly below and just a little behind him.

They entered a room full of blinking lights with names like Westeros, Honorverse, Disney Anime, Urban Noir, Uber Chicago and of course Discworld. Each of these lights had a pigeon size door below it and various notes, like beware the gargoyles, avoid the dragons, or force shield necessary.

On the floor below some very large rats wearing tool belts were swarming in and out of a mechanism that seemed to be connecting various cables to the lights and doors and a large monitor. There was a shriek from inside that mechanism and a ratty scream of

"See I told you it was live. Use the meter!"

A slightly scorched rodent wombled out towards them spun around and collapsed.

"Will he be alright?' asked Sassy smelling burnt fur.

"Ello ello ello wot can ay do for youse?" asked another rodent wearing a white cap and glasses.

"Teckelstein! Has the link stabilised!"

Well we're getting a lot of quantum fluctation today but yes while I don't think a medium to large humanoid  could travel through quantum we can generate a quantum level tunneling for a smaller being like your ladyship or our couriers!

Dodo puffed out his chest.

"What message do you want me to deliver Sassy?"

"Several actually! I have a list!" stated the dachshund.

To be continued when my informants don't get distracted and forget to discover notes to me!

Spoiler alert I swear by the nine muses certain events in upcoming episodes occurred BEFORE Forever Evil and of course this is fiction but why do the girls keep "guessing" about certain events? worrisome? Mr L is trying along with Young L#$% to break the mythic cycle and the girls have been insisting for years that ... what next a certain Lannister finally gets his hands on gunpowder and cannonry?

Final note to readers I am actually writing a serious SF novel.
This series ... isn't ...any definable genre?

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Falling Hounds, Chainsaws and More Mayhem.

Previously in Temporal Pests, our  trepid canine heroine was about to enter the Time Vortex, our other heroine got squashed by a giant robot, and a large section of our supporting cast is trapped in a control room ...

BOOM bang thump BOOM

the door was vibrating and starting to crack and that was the last thing Sassy saw before she was swept into the Vortex between worlds and realms, swirling away on the winds that are time, caught in temporal currents, and hopefully being swept along to the exit point for her destination.

While many of our supporting cast were were getting ready to fight when the door collapsed or dissolved one of them was franticly typing commands at a terminal and another was outside and hadn't entered at  all.

The Clown Prince of Crime had never entered the control room at all but had discovered a gardener's shed and a chainsaw.

He sauntered and strutted back towards the assembled villanry and then checked stopped, posed inspiringly for artists, fired up the chainsaw and shrieked,


and then quietly added , " ... and without inviting moi?"

A lot of people started running. More importantly most of them stopped attacking the door and  turned their weapons towards him.

Somewhere beyond time and space as we know it a rock floats and on it is nothing about a door. All you have to do to open that door is to knock on it and think or say where you want to go.

Sassy landed on that rock.

To be continued!

Saturday, 17 May 2014

and more than Time is broken ...

I'm not sure if my phone app uploaded the update about my broken arm.

People due to a fracture of the right radius bone near my elbow and conseuqnet muscle stiffness spasms aches pains and twinges etc I've only been able to resume typing with more than one finger this week!

Clearly a plot by the forces of evil to hinder Sassy and Goldie!?

A Memo from a Certain Director

As regular readers ( do we have any?) have noticed my co-writers Sassy and Goldie distract easily and instead of informing me what happened next in strict and correct linear temporal sequence go off in tangents or bring me memos like this which appears to have come from the office of someone just promoted to Director of a certain organisation this week

Director C&*$&n to All STAFF and OFFICES)
To be distributed by email and print

RE: Salvage ops

It has come to my attention that certain individuals are selling fragments of various facilities and equipment on ebay. This will cease immediately!

Someone tried to sell LOLA! I know she needs repairs but we are not selling LOLA to raise funds for rebuilding.

I know it seemed like a good idea but someone using the ebay ID of HULKBUSTER showed up with several trucks and tried to enter restricted areas claiming they had bid successfully for salvage rights!

No more ebay auctions!


NO further action will be taken if the person who sprayed Buddy Lives and Phil's Family Fun Therapy UNIT on the outside of my AIRBUS removes it. Promptly. You have 24 hours. The same applies to the person or people  who thought it was funny to spray WHY HULK SEE RED YET TURN GREEN? in the corridor outside Dr Banner's lab.  Likewise the individual who sprayed VOTE ONE STARK for BIGGER BETTER SHINY TOYS!

This is not a democracy or dictatorship.

Staff performance reviews.

A lot of you need to come up with something better than
"Hey I just yelled Hail Hydra because everyone else was doing it!"

Who put a chocolate labrador retriever inside Agent Ward's debriefing room?

He is now sobbing hysterically and babbling intel about Hydra between bouts of gambolling around the room playing with the dog. If anyone thinks they're helping him do an insanity plea ... this will not work!

I have no record of any agents using the IDs Sassy or Goldie!

Sincerely Intent on rebuilding our organisation

P.S. The next person who claims they saw a purple dragonoid on a skateboard and a talking dachshund will report for immediate psych evaluation!

Friday, 16 May 2014

Consequences and Convergences or Return of the Queen and other stuff

Meanwhile back in the "real" world events were almost as odd as those occurring at the Node.

Wakandan State Media was announcing an takeover bid for Fox News to the glee of a certain President.

In Tokyo a Shinto shrine was being raised to Godzilla who had just saved Tokyo AGAIN and was being offered the entire days contents of Tsukuji fish market as the first offering.

Ron and Jack were leading a convoy of British heroes to Stonehenge to help at the Node battle.

In Canberra Australia a talking Koala in clothes and a creature that looked at a pudding with legs wearing an old style ceramic kitchen bowl  were trying to explain to a Prime Minister and his Treasurer the economy was not a Magic Pudding.

Elsewhere a small hound was being whirled through time and space in search on herself !

And that ominously bubbling pit where we left Goldie?

Someone has just crawled out of it and she's in a really BAD mood!

You thought Godzilla's roar in the latest movie version was impressive.

This isn't a podcast! You'll just have to imagine how it sounds!


Yipe definitely a bad mood!

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Time is Loopy Two

Inside the now crowded control room people were franticly working on two projects, adjusting a Vortex Manipulator to be worn by a small hound and trying to create a multi-dimensional mailing list. People were of course arguing over who to invite or plea for help and whether to make a special harness or just duct tape the device to Sassy. Closer to the door Wolowiz was creating barricades of transuranic metals, synthetic diamond walls, and nanoclouds that could eat armor,  and anything that might slow down the inevitable collapse of even a door made of unobtanium which was being to crack.

Meanwhile on this world your Scribe is struggling with a broken arm. How typing with one finger of the other arm can cause twinges in the damaged arm  is an annoying mystery.

The door shuddered and shook into a million tiny pieces as the send message command was entered and a dachshund disappeared as Fluvia triggered the Manipulator with one hand while drawing one of her guns with the other.

She had probably just started or closed  a temporal loop.

To be continued next week after I find out what physio I need for my right arm.
Hey I type with my left but the twinges and aches are kinda very distracting?

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Time is Loopy

My right arm is broken so  a cut and paste job !

Time is Loopy ! Part One
in which the Scribe attempts to start sorting out the plot line disruptions caused by all those reality resets cosmic convergences and temporal loops etc

Previously on Temporal Pests ...

Future Sassy appeared twice to past and present Sassy

and that list mysteriously altered too ...

First Appearance ...

Sounds of violence begun to boom, and the hiss of energy beams forcing subatomic particles to change orbits could be heard, and sonic blasters zinging against walls, along with the screams of injured or angry beings. Midst all this chaos, riot,and mayhem, a small dog came sashaying up the corridor towards them.

“Hey that’s me!” barked Sassy.

 “Blahargh???” responded Goldie, stretching her head towards the door and fanning out both ear fins in bewilderment. The small figure walked over to a console, stretched up and placed its forepaws on a button, and the force field holding them back disappeared.

Sassy started towards her doppelganger.

“Don’t get too close! There’ll be temporal flashback if you do!” cried out her mirror image.

 “You are me!” cried Sassy, “How?”

“Look it’s going to take you about three days to figure out why we’re both here but its not a closed temporal loop yet, but it will be a crossover if we get this right! Hurry up and escape out of here and get help! Certain forces of evil and various villians are attempting to take over this node so they can rewrite their personal histories! Make sure you ask for help BEFORE you come back here. Tara told me so! The Buddhist one! And the help has to arrive three days from now or it can’t get here! Hurry!”

Sassy’s temporal doppelganger turned and raced away from them.

Appearance Two

The parking area at the node was curiously empty expect for one small figure, a cylindrically orientated canid with short legs and red scorched fur on one side that had been burnt very recently.

"Oh dear that's me again!" yelped Sassy.

"Look here I told you NOT to come back for three days well two and a bit or is that one and a half now?
Honestly if you cant trust meself who can you?" retorted herself.

Reg made a strange wheezing noise suspicously like suppressed laughter.

JonaHexed studiously avoided eye contact with Sassy, and Goldie blurted out in a huff,

"Well I say, surely you can trust me ... most of the time ... if I'm not near temptation and bling ... and then there  was that time I went shopping with Selina ... but of course you can trust me!"

"I have to go get some rest before the climactic scene or resolution or whatever happens next," sighed future Sassy,"Don't forget to come back and warn yourself and oh temporal loop timeline tip! Grab a Vortex manipulator if you have a chance to!"

She faded out like a Chesire Cat with one limb at a time disconcertingly slowly dissolving.

Appearance Three

Sassy and Goldie were trotting across through a section of the Node called the Gallifrey Memorial Garden when Sassy's future self appeared again.

"You're going the wrong way!" she snarled.

Sassy instinctively if impolitely barked back and Goldie coiled backwards and hissed.

The future self whined in exsperation sat down and used one back paw to pull out a note tucked in her collar.

"I got someone to write me a note. Here's a checklist of things I've done since I know how short some people's attention spans are!"

"Yes Sassy when chocolate's nearby your ..." interrupted Goldie.

"I was being VERY polite when I used an indefinite pronoun instead the word two!" grumbled future self Sassy, pointing her muzzle at a certain Goullawk.

Now a problem the girls havnt solved yet  ...

Sassy had picked up Goldie from Dragonmont and aboard Lady Zen Shipper they and Fluvia were discussing how to get hold of a Vortex Manipulator.
Fluvia's would not work for a Teckelsteiner unless she was carrying Sassy and future self Sassy clearly had been travelling on her own and the list she had given them clearly said get your own Vortex manipulator.

Unfortunately that required uptime travel which apparently had stopped working shortly after they fetched Fluvia since an attempt to visit the century in her universe in which time travel was discovered had lead only to Lady Zen Shipper repeatedly materializing on a rocky desert island with a large sign saying ALL UP TIME TRAVEL BANNED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE BY THE AUTHORITY OF THE ..... we'll spare you the bureaucratese.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

An Introduction to some of our Characters in Temporal Pests

#Temporal Pests are mostly a satire or parody or #fantasy or whatever you want to call it of all those cosmic crisises and convergences and crossovers. You'll encounter some familiar characters from a variety of genres.

Sassy a sentient dachshund from Teckelstein who with Goldie first appeared in a fanfic satire about a scifi program popular at the time and now defunct.

Goldie the Goullawk Queen. Like her friend Sassy she's escaped from fanfic and rampages across realities. I told you I'm just the scribe.

JonaHexed. Now who could he be? He sometimes has adventures with the girls because so long as he has a few readers he will not fade into oblivion. Fortunately he was written to be lucky!

Fluvia Canta. I guess not enough fans of a certain show know Latin. A gun slinging archaeologist with some interesting boyfriends and a spouse who's out of this world.  Then again her boyfriends are her spouse. She likes to go shopping with the girls and other fun activities like escaping prisons and shooting people who really do serve to be shoot.

Reg London's only  Dallawk taxi cab driver and yes it is a traditional black cab with a few extras under the bonnet. Yes Reg does resemble a certain type of mutant cyborg he has a heart of gold and a spouse who wears silver and steel.

HerInside likes to garden and cook and wears a frilly pinafore or apron to make it quite clear despite her outer form she's a lady inside.

The Wizards of London. That guy form Chicago said he was too busy.

However other people from London apart from a certain cynical chain smoker have magical powers including Young Robert apprentice to Dr A.

Yes Young Robert and Dr A do work in an occult clean up service.

The Technical Support crew from Pasadena. I have to explain this one?

Ron and Jack
Scholarly saints aiding our girls behind the scenes.
One was once a Catholic the other once a Protestant and both were famous writers.

Various dragons. One of these days some one is figuring to figure out who Mr BlackandSilver is however perhaps thankfully not everyone knows Sindarin or thought about the name of a certain character in a certain series.

Finally Teckelstein. Basically a large chunk of land including a lake islands surrounding mountains once allegedly part of Central Europe and now a planetoid with fusion ramjet and other drives plus dimension jumping devices and much more and a population of dachshunds and characters either taking a vacation or recovering from what their writers do to them in between issues episodes and novels.

Come and join us at Temporal Pests. The plot and the narrative are a bit of muddle but thats probably due to the temporal backlash from the girls reality altering adventures.

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Cosmic messaging

Cosmic Messaging

Yes readers despite the lack of interest our #satire # parody #explanation of #cosmic #crossover #crisies continues. Of course its fictional and yet given this years plot developments at a certain company ... well lets just say two or three of our characters are smirking and I'm worried since I know the ending even if you don't!

In the bunker behind a door now reinforced with unobtanium and similar metals courtesy of Wolowiz the Texan Praying Mantis and others were using every terminal to type up mailing lists for everyone they could think of  who either had net access or the local equivalent or could send on messages to others.

In a cave under a plateau near a certain Eastern Seaboard city on a bay a faithful retainer had his Second Life session disrupted by an incoming message.

On the screen of several timeships across the multiverse pleas for help and co-ordinates flashed.

Most importantly of all the inbox yapped on A.F. von Teckelstein's desk and a printer churned out a page of information.

One steaming mad queen a couple of hundred enraged Teckelsteiners who had nearly been erased from existence and quite a few other people now known who was responsible and where to go and now to get there.

Or try to get there.

The gates still needed to be opened.

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Glitter Goullawk

Copyright julie vaux 2014

this is what happens when a goullawk queen  rolls in glitter after a scale polishing session and her poor lowly scribe tries to draw it in colored pencil and marker and then decides to test her laptop webcam by holding up the piece of watercolor paper to it ...

hope you enjoyed this test piece 

Monday, 3 March 2014

Steaming Queens

Steaming Queens

Back at the Node the villains moved over to the control bunker and left a certain hole in the ground unattended. The hole was the shape of a giant robotic foot on its outer edges and in the middle, an indent in the soil, was the outline of a Goullawk.

Somewhere under that was what was left of Goldie's body in a comatose state.

A gardening robot came trundling over and filled the hole with water and then went off to get some soil and plants. The water soaked downwards and meet some unique biochemistry.

Some odd sounds arose from the hole. Fizzing bubbling popping and hissing  as the hole filled with something that looked like a purple soft drink.

There was a bulge as something at the bottom of the hole absorbed fluid and begun to UNflatten but slowly. The bubbling continued. Steam rose up.

The fluid rippled. A pair of breathing holes  could be seen if you were really close. There was a loud inhaling noise then all the bubbling hissing and steaming stopped except for a occasional plop of extra large bubbles.

The queen was steaming mad. Woe betide anything that got in her way when she emerged from healing.


Saturday, 22 February 2014

One Lab Accident Revisited and revised (sections in ( )
(original post nov 2012 )
Just to remind you who some of our characters are before the big battle!

"Now what's next on our list?" asked Goldie, although she was quite capable of reading it herself.

Sassy was squinting earnestly with a very serious expression at the list.

"We've got cavalry and air support but we need a flock of dodos and to arrange a freak storm in Pasadena to cause a lab accident to an (Princess) Amy (of the Apes) FF, some called pennypennypenny! and Bernie ... is ... gosh who wrote this for me ... is that name wolowiz?"

Meanwhile in Pasadena other people had similar ideas and two Ph.D.s, a Masters in Engineering and a waitress were setting up chemicals and other devices while Mrs Wolowiz and Superpandit were watching them. Superpandit was floating four feet off the floor as his new levitation abilities had gotten stuck on HOVER.

"Okay people," the male Ph.D,"if we're right about how the laws of physics have changed an open window a kitchen bench covered with dangerous chemicals and  a few of his hairs should allow us to locate the East Texan Mantis Monster along with this picture Stuie draw for us and the scrabble board on the table.

Now how do we get the freak weather or electrical dishcharge?"

Some short time later in the stratosphere Lady Zen Shipper was cloud herding disguised as an airship with camo gray cloud patterns.

"All right are we above Pasadena yet?  Everyone got their safety googles on?" asked JonaHexed dressed in a dashing 30s style lab jacket steam punk googles and black rubber boots.

"Oh can I do the count down when you pull the lever?" squealed Goldie!

"Lets all do it start chanting folks!" cried JonaHeXed as he started moving the lever downwards.

"TEN!" There was a humming sound.

"NINE!" An whiff of ozone!


Well yeah you're going to have to READ the SFX unless I suddenly start getting a helluva lot of Paypal tokens of appreciation so I can pay a PRO to draw this and other scenes and no one has used the paypal yet even once sheesh so ... read on.

"SEVEN" Fluvia's hair begun to frizz with static electricity and Sassy's heckles rose.

"SIX" Down in Pasadena the waitress looked out the window and exclaimed

"Oh a freak unforecast storm!"

"FIVE" "Everyone get inside the circle or stand next to the chemicals!" shouted one of the Ph.D's in Pasadena.




Okay everyone reader participation time!


A massive discharge of over excited molecules wove a mass of air into a pathway for power and flashed downwards thru the window.

Next time have our fearless heroines made new allies?

Friday, 21 February 2014

Still A Battle

Still A battle

(see prior post finally a battle )

Still A Battle

We last saw our characters (unless you caught up on older posts while the girls took an Xmas

break) besieged surrounded overwhelmed threatened and generally in trouble.

DEM grabbed Sassy by the collar and pulled her away from the Goullawk shaped dent in the

ground and then before the Dachshund could wriggle backwards out of the collar wrapped an arm around her and tucked her under her armpit firmly.

"Hey you're wearing armor! That hurts!" yelped Sassy.

"You'll hurt a lot more if you get squashed too by that robot!" scolded DEM.

The demiequinid character was whinnying as he fired off rounds from an antique pistol.

He stopped to reload and snorted at the others and swore in an obscure Germanic dialect.

"@##$% I told my author I wanted to retire!"

Just then in the distance there was a loud popping sound as air was displaced by a gate opening followed by the sound  of anti tank grenades  exploding and the ringing of steel capped hooves against robotic armour.

"Loving God" whinnied the Colonel, "Who invited my wife?"

Catholic Shrieking cut through the crowd bowling over several robots battle machines and

warsuits  and a variety of villains and also clearing a path to a nearby building.

By its door was Wolowiz and wife, P is for Persuasive and Super Pandit waving franticly.

Our beleaguered group of heros run for it.

P is for Persuasive stood outside guarding them as they retreated talking to the villians,

"You really need a coffee break about now!"

"These are not the droids you're looking for!"

"They went the other way!"

"Would you like to buy me shoes?"

Leon grabbed his girlfriend and pulled her inside and slammed the door before anyone could

respond to that offer.

Inside Reg and Jonahexed and others were studying the controls.

The Texan praying mantis was looking particularly petulant.

"Why one of the greatest minds in the multiverse can not break the decryptions on these controls..."

"Minds!?" snapped several other people in the room.

"I think since we just had another arrival incoming travel is possible but we can't open portals out.

Jonahexed eyes stated glowing. Literally.

"I ... I ... feel explanatory prose paragraphs forming!"

"The portal controls are locked but there's always a solution ... that s a cosmic law of narrative so ... soo ... soo ..." Jonahexed paused to look at the control panel ..."

"Is that a messaging system or comm icon?"

"Oh yes its got a RECYT / REPLY ALL command option!"

But what about Goldie?" howled Sassy.

To be continued at the same erratic pace.

Editorial Note if you are a new reader better check the archives!


Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Agent Phil's Family Fun Time and Furies explained

Meanwhile as worlds collide converge and become chaotic one sensible individual is staying out of trouble safely riding out the chaos on a plane with a fuel tank which apparently can circumnavigate the world several times without refuelling. But his boss is not happy about this.

Oh and an explanation of how a white 60s Fury became ... the new guy with the eye patch much darker tan ... and attitude!

A phone rings.

"Phil I need your admin skills! Get back here now!"

"But that require a dangerous transit through unstable areas of temporal and spatial distortions ... Wahrd stop teasing the Fitzes and go help Skype with her homework!"

" Phil you have to get back here due to those distortions my grandfather's trying to "volunteer" and return to service! Gramps please no put that gun down. No we don't use howitzers any more and no you can't have a rocket launcher! Gramps please! And stop going around the carrier telling people how proud you are of me! You're spoiling my image! "

Phil smirks. The yelling from the phone continues.

"No gramps of course I love you  but even with that youth serum you're in your 90s and seeing you is starting up that nepotism rumor again!"

Phil please come back please!"

Agents of Shield returns to Australian tv on wednesday night !

Saturday, 8 February 2014

the notes the notes where are the notes !

Previously on Temporal Pests our characters were imperilled and someone not me lost the notes on what happened next so you'll just have to endure a flashback to an older episode again ...

Let There be Ba#$s!

Reposted in honor of the imminent return of a certain fuzzy elf

"So why do we need the boys to build a transtellar transport device that generates wormholes," asked JonaHexed, who hadn't been allowed to read the list yet?

"Something happens to Reg's Taxi but that's not for another hour," answered Sassy.

"But we have Lady Zen Shipper?" stated Jonahexed.

"Apparently building the gate allows a lost and forgotten character to return."

"So who's next," asked Fluvia, leaning closer to read down the list which Goldie was holding up in her mouth for Sassy to read," THEM? the little blue pests!"

No Dear Readers not the ones starting with S.

Meanwhile a memorial statue of a fuzzy elfish being in San Francisco was  surrounded by a horde or swarm of small blue beings all wailing,

"They killed Daddy B@#f! They killed Papa B@#f!"

"And Hewlett finally caught the last of us and banned us from the school grounds!" bewailed another holding an empty whiskey bottle.

Lady Zen Shipper appeared next to the normally invisible yet oddly never a hazard to aircraft or avians giant comatose alien.

"Look!" squealed one of the smarter Bamfs who instead of crying had been panhandling from tourists, "it's the Dragon Queen and the Time Queen and the Teckel Princess!"

The Ba#$ stopped crying and swarmed over to the Girls.

"Hello boys!" barked Sassy, "wanna a job!"

To be continued in the usual erratic manner.

Look I told you this was about a temporal crisis ... must be causing timeloops ?

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Teckelmas Three

The  Final Part of the Xmas adventure.

Teckelmas Three

The shadow grew taller and thinner but did not wane and reached out over the dogs towards Gwillo. Its arm or arms turned gray and hazy as if turning to dust or  smoke and Gwillo shivered. He wasn't trained to hunt this kind of monster.

Then something happened. From overhead came a burst of sound and light and all his dogs came to glow. First Tau and Ankhet the most brightly and then the glow spread to the others and then something fell from the moving brightness overhead. Gwillo had once seen a picture showing a spirit with multiple wings and this ... it was the essence of small hounds with wings for legs and wings for flight and it lead the pack towards the darkness baying battle joy and the darkness fled and shrink withering like a plant in summer heat and then became nothing and the night seemed warmer. The spirit hovered for a moment and grinned at him and flitted off and up then there was a final burst of light and only the stars glowed overhead.

Three men were walking uphill to him.

"Come warrior come with us to Bethlehem to give gifts to the Holy Child!"

The rest of the night was equally strange. Gwillo remembered candles and golden lanterns and the scent of uncommon spices and all of them beasts barbarian herders and wise men kneeling to look at a child.

The thing that Gwillo remembered the longest was that all of his pack seemed healthier and smarter and the next day inspecting them he found their coats in perfect condition and old scars faded and his prize bitch returned by the magistrate had the most perfect litter of pups he had ever seen. And he had a new job guide and guard for the Magi as they returned home!

And that is how the ancestors of modern Teckelsteiners helped play a part in the first Christmas!