Sunday, 11 September 2016

Read Temporal Pests One !

Be warned therein is much silliness!

Temporal Pests ONE Copyright Julie Vaux 2012 - 2014 and 2016


In Which We meet Two Rather Unusual Little People and Some of Their Many Friends and Enemies.

There are places within the Multiverse, which are both in and outside of what some call the eleven dimensions of space-time and others an infinite standing wave. In these “between” places you can move and exist beyond the normal limits of sentient perception. Some folk call them spatio-temporal nodes, other shadow knots, or shimmer points, or stranger names. If you are there, then you can be and go almost anywhere, and yet also any when, for they are the places where time-slips and trans-dimensional gates manifest in densely woven clusters, instead of as scattered anomalies.

This particular one would look to most humans, when moving towards it, like a flower of many petals with each petal being a slightly different color. The colors move through the entire spectrum of possible radiation. Imagine also that this blossom has no stem and its petals rotate around what looks like a circle made of many tangents joining, with lines formed by waves converging in and out of existence.

Some of those lines flow into the petals in a way that suggests those petals are an illusion caused by the convergence of tangents and merely areas of stillness within a pattern of waves. The lines or pistils quiver endlessly like a harp string vibrating in such a way you see one primary string and several others at the same time. Perhaps they are echoes of cosmic or quantum strings.

Look closer and you will see that the petals seem to be joined by silver wire. Come even closer and you will the silver wire is multi-stranded. Here and there structures are attached to each strand and there are objects moving around those structures. You may also see shapes that suggest doors and gates, or mirrors, round, square, sealed, and open. Through these structures a variety of beings move. Some of them are humanoid and wear coverings suggesting uniforms. Others are not remotely humanoid, occasionally biped, and probably sentient.

Two of the non humanoid beings, who were definitely not two-limbed but allegedly sentient, depending on who you asked, and what experiences they had previously with them, were being forcibly placed into an enclosure in one of these structures, being thrown within actually, to accompanying bellows of, “AND STAY IN THERE!” A force-field sealed the enclosure to the protesting yelps and argles of two peculiar beings.

The one who yelped was female and looked like a Standard Red Long haired dachshund of impeccable bloodlines and powerful elegance. She appeared to be the sort of dachshund that occupants of the darkest densest forests of central Europe, from the smallest hare up to massive wild boars, hide from, shivering, as they hear the pack sniffling after them. This variety of Terran canine, also hunts and stalks small dangerous (well to canid livers) items like chocolate Lamingtons and Anzac biscuits. They also do population control for edible pests, like rats, and their range of predation varies upwards in scale to much larger prey, like time lost dinosaurs, and those dragons of the kith and darkling kin, whose behaviour gave more honorable dragons a bad reputation, and possibly also bandersnatchi and even stranger beasts and brutes.

The other female looked like the result obtained, if someone, who really should not have been allowed near genetic engineering devices, had created a cross between a small dragonoid and a seal, with more than a dash of otter and goldfish, but no visible scales or fur. A large finned tail curved into a torso which had two front flippers and the whole body was covered with a skin that seemed to shimmer as if scaled but also had a soft satiny texture. This torso narrowed into a long slender neck topped by a head and muzzle that tapered and split into four digits at the end, giving this being a rather snaggly smile. She had “teeth” or fangs or claws at the end of each flexible "finger".

The designer or creator was apparently fixated on using pink, gold, and purple, and their creation also appeared to be wearing purple makeup outlining its mouth parts and eyes, and was currently wearing glitter covered sunglasses, that a certain Aussie dame would have adored. Or possibly someone had carefully applied make-up? Certainly several individuals had expressed a wish to find out where Goldie, a.k.a. Gilda Dragonides, bought her make-up although with the aim of having her banned from shopping from wherever that was.

Sassy the canid member of this duet, shook out her fur, and snapped and snarled.
“Honestly I so did NOT do graffiti on the Sphinx of “Sassy was here!” in gold glitter! Like practically every one else has but not moi! That poor bulge of rock has been hacked at and scribbled on by Aliens, Atlanteans, Egyptians, Greeks, and oh yes, was it Napoleon’s army who used it for target practise? BUT NOT ME! Honestly if the Sphinx really was an alien construct they should have made it a robot so it can get up and walk into the desert away from all those vandals!”

The small dragonoid by her side argled in agreement making Goullawk utterances that translated into English as, “Yes, they even blamed us for some stuff we haven’t done, as if we would do anything like that, when we were busy doing other things, like transporting Frodo and Gandalf into that producer’s office! Teehee! And then we took those Kaledian mutant cyborgs to …”

“Quiet!” hissed Sassy, “You want more reality violations added to the list! We’re just going to have to stay here and behave until Uncle Gus bails us out! He’ll understand why we couldn’t resist sooling that gene construct based on a giant mutant lizard onto the Capital of a certain evil galactic mega-corp. So a few people got probably mmm ….”

“Squashed?!” squealed Goldie gleefully, “but they were evil clone slavers!”

Sassy sighed and lay down carefully arranging herself in the infamous “I’m so elegant and innocent so how could you believe I would do that?” position of head resting on crossed forelegs and slightly raised brow ridges with relaxed ears. Goldie copied her with differing results as a Goullawk with drooping ear fins but raised eye ridges lying down looks more a pathetic abandoned bath toy.

Goullawks vary considerably in size, according to age, gender, and diet. Goldie’s size could perhaps best be described as lap dragon although other Goullawks have been mistaken for traditional Celtic monsters of sea loch and shore.

After a while Sassy, being naturally optimistic cheered up and whispered to Goldie.
“They still haven’t found out where we parked Lady Zen Shipper so we can still have more adventures once Uncle Gus gets us out of here!”

Goldie argled a question, “Why hasn’t Uncle Gus bailed us out yet?”

“Uncle Gus will come and get us!” replied Sassy, “I’m one of his favorite grand-nieces!”

Goldie hakkegled a question, “mmm he has about three hundred grand nieces?”

“But he only has one me!” replied Sassy proudly tilting her muzzle.

This display of self-esteem was interrupted by noises from outside.

Sounds of violence begun to boom, and the hiss of energy beams forcing subatomic particles to change orbits could be heard, and sonic blasters zinging against walls, along with the screams of injured or angry beings. Midst all this chaos, riot, and mayhem, a small dog came sashaying up the corridor towards them.

“Hey that’s me!” barked Sassy.

 “Blahargh???” responded Goldie, stretching her head towards the door and fanning out both ear fins in bewilderment. The small figure walked over to a console, stretched up and placed its forepaws on a button, and the force field holding them back disappeared.

Sassy started towards her doppelganger.

“Don’t get too close! There’ll be temporal flashback if you do!” cried out her mirror image.

“You are me!” cried Sassy, “How?”

“Look it’s going to take you about three days to figure out why we’re both here but its not a closed temporal loop yet, but it will be a crossover if we get this right! Hurry up and escape out of here and get help! Certain forces of evil and various villians are attempting to take over this node so they can rewrite their personal histories! Make sure you ask for help BEFORE you come back here. Tara told me so! The Buddhist one! And the help has to arrive three days from now or it can’t get here! Hurry!”

Sassy’s temporal doppelganger turned and raced away from them. Sassy and Goldie looked fretfully at each other.

 “Now would be a good time to go home?” burbled Goldie who proceeded to flipper walk away from Sassy.

Sassy sat there for a moment still stunned by seeing herself. What had her doppelganger meant? Get help? This wasn’t her problem. This was an opportunity to escape?

Goldie not hearing the swash of fur behind or next to her turned around and hakkergled,
 “Hello is this that temporal flashie thing that being who looked like you talked about?”

She waddled back and nudged Sassy with her snout, blattering her eyelids, (a movement like fluttering but faster almost a flickering) and blurbled, “Hello Galpal Goldie to Super Sassy! Time to go, Go! GO!”

Sassy shook herself. “Yes let’s go find an active portal or a quantum tunnel and reach Lady Zen Shipper!”

 They trotted down the corridor, two small figures unnoticed amidst a confusion and commocion (a lovely Spanish word overdue to be borrowed into English) of giant, medium, and small sized, killer robots, evil cyborgs of several kinds, wicked druids and fashionistas, and various hooded and caped figures, and many individuals of several genders wearing the sort of tailored clothing that says I’m rich, powerful and probably have a dubious grasp of basic ethics along with dodgy dress sense! Yes the forces of evil were partying! Some of them even wore outfits that were actually tastefully frightening!

Along the way Sassy and Goldie trotted past some of the individuals from the various Time Space Patrols and Temporal Bureaus and other such agencies, who had placed them in the holding area to await judgement. A small group of humans in a variety of uniforms and suits were kneeling behind a console firing rayguns, bazookas, energy rifles, flechette guns, and just plain bullets, at an advancing cacophonic chaos of caped figures, fiends, and their cronies, devices, lackeys and hench-folk.

Sassy cheerfully hollered as she trotted past. “Hi guys! We’re free again!”

Goldie added in Goullawk, having remembered what the other Sassy had asked them to do, “and going to get help!!!” and bobbed her head up and down in a manner that was meant to look reassuringly cute. It did if you were a younger Goullawk worried about being eaten by its elders, who seemed to be considering whether it was too stupid or dysfunctional to enjoy the continual privilege of life, but to a human it just looked weird and demented! And so not reassuring!
“Commander” asked one of the humans, “May I please shoot them too?”

“No!” stated the Commander, “they might help!”

“Help do what make things more complicated or worse!” responded the questioner, “Them? Help? They’re Teckelsteiners! You know what their idea of help is, making such a mess of things we have to go in and rearrange people’s memories or remove anomalies or or or …”

“Incoming!” screamed someone else as fireballs were launched at them and they all ducked for cover. When they looked up again Sassy and Goldie were out of sight. A team of hench-folk were approaching with large nets and lassos and other objects such as nunchakus and knuckledusters designed to deliver stunning force viciously. Barely visible to the rear were a group of older semi-retired villains sitting on a shielded antigravity platform comfortably sipping drinks and apparently marking scores on clipboards. Just as the heroes, good guys, and other relatively righteous folk, and let’s not forget honorable lady amazons, were about to run out of weapon power, and the lackeys and henchpersons closed in on them, the commander turned to his men and made a promise while manfully posing.

“Have no fear! Help is on the way! If not those dachshunds then shirley someone else will send help soon!”

“I think that’s surely sir!” replied someone as he pivoted to kick a servant of evil in what he hoped was a delicate region, and gasped, as he contacted with hidden solid metal, “but the odds are sheerly against us! However,” he croaked and gasped, mentally cursing the inventor of metal codpieces, “could tiny lil dogs poss’ly help! AAARGH!”

“Have no fear,” bellowed the commander heroically; being a graduate of that type of Shakespearian theatre training which often ends up being used in cult sci-fi shows, “Dachshunds don’t know the meaning of the word impossible. And they’re fearless and courageous!”

“They don’t know the meaning of fear so they’ll front up to any threat?” yelled someone who sensibly had thrown their empty gun away and was swinging a sledgehammer towards a pale-skinned cyborg’s head.

“No they’re dachshunds” cried the commander. “They’re fearless about most things except bath time and they really don’t know the meaning of the word impossible. They just don’t understand it!”

He was about to explain that dachshunds, especially those from Teckelstein, had an attitude about reality and life best described as a belief that if you couldn’t do it yourself you just find some nice friendly kind human to con into doing it for you, but just then a giant robot vented a cloud of sleeping gas over them. Meanwhile Sassy and Goldie had quietly slipped through a quantum tunnel off to retrieve Lady Zen Shipper.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

Temporal Pests Returns


I am trying to revive Temporal Pests.
Please let me know if you want to see it as posts on a blog or offered as a reward over on patreon?

Thank you.

If you like supporting people via patreon

offered the first chapter as a reward for a MERE $1 pledge in August?

Patreon or paypal make your choice to support the girls!

Saturday, 27 December 2014

How the Teckelsteiners helped save Christmas

The Girls did not provide me with any thing new this year.

I think they spent part of xmas though harassing a certain show runner.
Apparently every time he opens a present he gets ANOTHER copy of the Dummies Guide to Digital Downloads: Special Edition. How to give Danny back his body.

Seriously the Doctor can't travel back in time and get a few genetic samples to create a clone body and then go forward to the future and find some one who can hack Gallifreyan tech?

Meanwhile for your Xmas reading pleasure.

 A Teckelstein Tale of the First Christmas

Apparently Three Wise Men and Some Shepherds needed a little help to reach that stable and witness a special event.

Bethlehem about 4 BC or 0 BCE ... whatever

There's a planetary conjunction or a supernova or whatever unusual celestial paranormal or other phenomen that will produce  the appearance of a star parking over Bethlehem after sunset.

Meanwhile in the local magistrate's office a specialist mercenary from Southern Germania has arrived. His speciality was normally getting well paid for hunting predators that might attack Roman soldiers setting up a camp and being an advance scout watching out for hostile locals.

He's from a little valley that will later be known as Teckelstein where there are many let us say ... protodachels!

Small valiant brave hounds so fearless the local wild pigs run and hide next to the giant elk deep in the darkest parts of the forest!

One such small valiant pack had accompanied that specialist into the office to the annoyment of the clerks who had been enjoying a couple of glasses of wine and a platter of the GOOD cheese and the WHITE bread and were now being pestered for pieces of cheese by the pack while the specialist Gwillhelmianus was speaking to the magistrate.

" NO you Judeans have a final l in your language so surely you can say Gwillo? Or Uillson?  Its so much shorter and easier?"

The magistrate glared and said

"I'm paying you not the Herodians or the Romans or the Temple.

Officially you're on leave but there's that little matter of the fight in the tavern about rooms and bookings and whether or not there was room in the tavern ...?

Some thing is bothering travellers on the roads. Some thing large and dark and sinister according to those travellers. Personally I think its just some lion or leopard or unusually large jackal thats come in from the desert but I need a expert now before there's a panic and one of the more sensible local herders tells me he's seen unusual tracks that he can't identify either so get out there and find out what it is before I have a delegation of irate smelly shepherders in my forecourt! Oh and if you're thinking of doing a runner ..."

The magistrate pointed at a cage on the floor,

"I have your prize hunting bitch who's about to whelp."

Gwillo growled.

"I'll need my weapons."

"Sign for them in the outer office." growled the magistrate back returning to the task of applying his seal to packets of census forms.

Gwillo glared at the contract he had to sign to get his weapons back.

It absolved the magistrate of any responsibility to pay for medical treatment if he got hurt  and was skilfully phrased to imply he was freelancing willingly for the magistrate.

"Hey there's no provision for a horse in this contract!"

The magistrate who didnt owe a horse himself despite being one of the richest people in town snorted.

"... or a litter with bearers or a chariot but I could spare one donkey or a riding mule perhaps?"

Some hours later Gwillo his pack and an unhappy mule carrying camping and hunting equipment had reached a sheepfold and were inspecting some very bizarre prints. Either several predators were in the area or one beast of indeterminate shape. Gwillo had never hunted shapeshifters and knew from stories from other hunters most claims of shapeshifters were caused by people wearing special boots or shoes with patterned soles trying to frighten others but these prints were just odd, disturbingly odd, blurred in one set and the very next quite crisp.

Both blurred and crisp prints were heading east towards the main road and then stopped.

"Every night the tracks are further east and some thing moving disturbs the herd," stated the  herder who had reported them to the magistrate. The tracks they stop at a spot overlooking the road as if whatever makes them is waiting for something or some one to arrive. They start where stories say there was once a shrine to the old ones the others who demanded blood sacrifices of children and ... last night I looked down the hill when I walked away from the fires to the ditch for you know what and I saw a shadow moving from shadow to shadow but in a straight line aiming for the road. Then the dogs started howling and some of them run towards the fires and away from the herds and something howled back. And what howled back was not a dog or wolf."

The senior herder made an ancient sign of protection sign with his fingers that would have gotten him in extreme trouble from the local priests and levites.

Gwillo set up a cold camp of a hide to protect the mule and unpacked nets and weapons set up to be easily grabbed and spear in one hand sat watching in a spot half way between where the herders camped at night and the road from the east where he could see the route the tracks had taken so far.  His pack of dwarf wolves patiently curled themselves up around his feet or beside him as they too waited for nightfall.


Night had came. Shadows deepened on the eastern slopes falling away from Bethlehem to the river Jordan and the road that brought traders merchants and tonight a monster.

Gwillo and his hounds did notice the stars seemed brighter than usual but he was looking away from the stars down towards the shadows waiting to see if they moved.

Suddenly it grew even colder and the hounds sniffed and growled and the sheep grew silent in their pens even the lambs and one of the shepherd's dogs whined fearfully.


Gwillo moved towards the shadow.

"Softly quietly lads and lassies let's see who's stalking who?"

The shadow stopped seemed to grow taller and turned north towards the road to Jerusalem.

In the distance Gwillo could see lights. He and the shadow moved towards them. A caravan had set up tents with lanterns on poles before them around fires. The tents were unusual styles not those of the local nomads. One seemed to be Egyptian or African the other possibly Parthian and a third tent was round not square. The fire and lantern light also showed these were tents made for wealthy people with no patches or sagging sections where a support or prop had broken and not been replaced. They were large tall tents a person could stand up inside of. And the lanterns were gold not copper!

The shadow that moved shrieked a cry of pain and envy.

"Aho one of those are you?" thought Gwillo who in the past had been called on to hunt men who were monsters. He still thought he was stalking a man wearing a dark cloak dyed a motley of colors that blended with the night shadows probably with pieces of shrub or plant or fur added to break up his outline.

From the distant fire chanting came and the scent of spices but the shadow moved closer. Gwillo followed.

The shadow stopped suddenly as if a fence or wall was there and instead of walking in a straight line moved off as if there was a circle around the camp. Someone closer to the fire got up and walked in a circle around it and just for a moment Gwillo thought he could see lines of light or a faint glow surging out in a pattern.

The shadow moved onwards and closer towards a group of what looked like camels maybe lying around or next to a heap of supplies covered with canvas. On the other side of the camels was a horseline with a guard.

The shadow started to scream again and the horses panicked and the camels rose to their feet.

Gwill and his pack started running crying out.

"Oy I know that Trick. Stay away thief you want to frighten those horses so they stampede through the camp!"

The shadow stopped and stood still arising its arms ... of which it seemed to have more than two.

Gwillo blinked. The dogs growled.

"NO its two men together carrying spears!" He thought and cried a command.

"High and low boys and girls high and low!"

The dogs knew their job. Jump up and grab a corner of clothing to hinder or divert the thrust of a sword or spear. Circle around feet and grab a cuff or end of a lacing of a boot or sandal  or butt and shove an ankle to make their prey lose their balance or concentration. And bark! Deep loud barks tearing straight the darkness!

They charged and leapt and yelped as they landed shivering and shaking as if they leapt into cold water. Gwillo swung his sword. It moved through the edge of the cloak as if the cloak was made of shadows. Gwillo took one step back but only to regain his  balance before he thrust a hunting spear at where a torso should be.

The spear passed through the shadow again. The shadow chittered mockingly and reached a limb out. One that looked ... Gwillo thought of an octopus he'd seen but octopuses had their beaks between their tentacles not at the end of a limb that curled and writhed and had things that looked like long thorns instead of fingers.

Gwillo took another step back.

The Shadow spoke.

"Unguarded. Unsealed. Unsworn. Mine."

"Bait Take take take you dangle like fish on hook to lure wise away from protections."

The dogs shackled and growled at it.

"Bah little dogs" The shadow made a wheezing noise.

"Scent? scent of holy place! scent of North. Other powers.

Bah too small. Ruin blessing of wise. Poison spice. Will hinder binding of avatar to this realm. No Willing Sacrifice Nonsense. Break myth pattern."

The shadow  grow taller and seemed to be about to throw itself over Gwillo.

"Hey you this knife is cold iron?"

"Not that kind of being!" taunted the shadow back. "Iron not pure blood use."

The stars suddenly grow brighter. Gwillo had the strangest feeling that somewhere behind him back up slope near where the shepherds were the cover had been removed from a very large bright lantern. He noticed two of his dogs were less afraid than others. Tau and Ankhet. Both of whom had silver amulets a tau cross and an ankh symbol. He'd had an exceptionally well paid job in Egypt for a temple and the priests had gave those  two in particular amulets and collars they said were blessed. The other hounds only had copper or lead amulets hanging from their collars or coins with holes drilled on them.

Will Gwillo survive and stop the demon?

Join us for the next instalment of Teckelmas A Teckelsteiner First Christmas adventure.

and yes that bright light upslope is  a certain messenger arriving!

Saturday, 6 December 2014

The past future and present crimes of the Temporal Pests

Earth 2 point something.

someone is smugly contemplating the damage his arrival has caused when a shrill greeting disrupts his revery.

"Hey stoneface howsait going!?"

Some one shudders.

Several hours later

" ... and blah blah blah "

Stoneface hisses  cos final letter of the greek abc doesnt work on Goullawks
" just eff off will you!"

"Oh I won the bet I made him swear ! "

Stoneface sobs

There are things even neogodlings dread and an afternoon spent with a Goullawk is one of them.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Hints for Grant Ward

Apparently next week if you're a US viewer lucky people sob
  #GrantWard of #AgentsofShield will be having some very special family fun time with his brother Satan er Xtian er well he's an evil Republican senator so here are some suggestions for things they can do together.

1)Throw Xtian into the boot of your car along with a phone set on speaker and as you drive sing into your phone to the tune of 10 Green bottles on a wall


2) He's a Republican Senator

tie him up and make him watch his own mid term advertising  several hundred times

3) He's a Republican Senator

You tube clips of Obama talking and smiling and being happy !

4) Tell him you're going to visit the last of your SHIELD and HYDRA emergency caches and donate to whoever his Democrat opponent is

5) He's a Republican Senator.

Give him some drug that temporarily blocks him from speaking dress him as a homeless person or remove all his ID and then leave him at a public hospital emergency room with a note taped to his clothing.

"I voted against Affordable Healthcare and extra funding for homeless vets!"

I do wonder what the script writers will come up with?

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Ward Wolf


I just got a delivery of some memos from someone's desk.

Director C&*#$% to All Staff

The Smoked Salmon is missing again!
I refuse to believe it was stolen by a talking dachshund.
There is NO such thing as a dimensional hopping sentient dachshund!

The pawprints leading to Vault D were NOT Funny.

When I'm on the subject of Vault D there is no truth to the claim Agent Skype walks "the monster from the vault" on a leash when there's a full moon.

I also want to speak to the person who smuggled a chocolate labrador Retriever onto the base. It is currently in my office trying to be friendly and wears a tag with the name "Buddy". Not funny!

Director C@#$%^# to all agents.

There is now a shoot on sight authorization for anyone entering food storage without written authorization. My clearance level has its privileges. Smoked salmon is one of them.

While I was off consulting with that Doctor from UNIT someone graffitied these words  on my office wall ...It's KREE! No spray paint is to be removed from the machine shop without authorization. Also why is there a copy of something called the Guide to the Marvel on my desk? We all know there are NO mutants or hidden cities in the Himalayas! Really People!

Director C#$%&*@ to All Staff

Wardwolf has escaped.
 More importantly my smoked salmon is still going missing!
And that chocolate labrador is still on base!
It is drooling at my plate of cookies!
I want that dog off base and the salmon returned or a locker search will be made!

Have I mentioned Goullawks and Teckelsteiners love salmon?