Sunday, 27 January 2013

Milk and cookies and guns and goullawks

Milk and cookies

   . . .  and guns and goullawks

Sassy and Goldie had taken Lori Zee$%^&N back to Lady Zen Shipper and Fluvia Canta  was pouring Tea for all of them. Lori spotted the gun holstered to Fluvia's hip and asked about it.

"You have a gun?"

"Yes and it's dual action projectiles and energy beams!"

Fluvia pulled it out of her holster and placed it on the table.

" ... and it was hand crafted by ..." she paused to swat Goldie away from it. The Goullawk had been eyeing it with an acquisitive look and was slowly reaching towards it finger claws opening to grab it.

"You KNOW why you're not allowed near guns ...hand guns pistols rifles semi- automatics machine guns cannonry death rays ... and especially MY GUN!" scolded Fluvia picking it up.

Lori looked at both of them.

The goullawk was muttering to herself " ... but its shiny and pearly on the handles and blingy and ..."

"Is there a story? " asked Lori," and havnt I seen you on TV or somewhere with a different name?"

"Hush darling SPOILERS so hush and I'll tell you a story that demonstrated why responsible adults ONLY should have weapon licences and weapons should be in safe places when they're not in use.

"SHINY!" protested the Goullawk overwhelmed with dragonish instincts.

Fluvia holstered her gun reclined backwards with her cup of tea and begun the story in between elegant sips from her tea cup.

"Once upon a time I went to a gun show looking for something rumored to be a weapon from a lost and legendary world hoping those rumors might attract the attention of a very special GOOD MAN. This weapon was going to be auctioned or maybe stolen and legend had it that what it projected was a field that caused localized temporal flux effects. You could age or rejuvenate an object or person or speed up some thing slowing down or vice versa for a brief while."

"Was that when you met a very good doctor person who likes bow ties?" asked Sassy.

Lori was slowly working it out ... " time ... weapons ... good man ... doctor ... hey Fluvia's Latin for ..."

(Scribal Note What a pity so few judging from the visitor stats Whovians learn Latin?)

"Yes dear but tell me continue the story.

" A.F. Von Teckelstein was there too looking for weapons modified to be used by people who have paws and no opposable thumbs and he had brought along Sassy and Goldie to keep them out of trouble. I heard this gorgeous baritone voice saying

"Now you two will please stay here at the eatery and have that plate of cookies and biscuits and bowl of chocolate milk while I finish my transaction with the craftspersons ja!?"

I looked behind me and there was my dear friends Sassy and Goldie and .."

You disobeyed this A.F guy and went shopping?" interrupted Lori.

"No we were not misbehaving just sitting there quietly  eating drinking and gossipping when an alarm went off and we saw security run past and heard a canid life form growling. So we followed that sound and the security people.

The growling was being done by the DREADWOLVES from the Planet with Three and a Half Moons who looked like wolves standing on their hind legs but with really badly groomed fur and weapons holsters around their torsos and cyborg attachments in odd places not just over eyes and ears but lower down and ... and ... a tap where his never mind ... they had taken hostages in the auction area and were demanding the time gun be given to them..."

"And they were holding my Uncle by his neck! He had tried to leapt up and attack them but they are very fast and grabbed him mid leap but he was still growling at them..." interrupted Sassy, "so I valiantly leaped into the fray and bite one of them and he kicked me and I landed ..."

"right next to the modified weapons A.F. had been trying to purchase whose display area was right next to the auction area, " continued Fluvia, " and Goldie flumped over to you looked around and saw the signs labelling the weapons.

"Which was Child Safe Voice Activated AI controlled Ethical Weaponry!" recalled Goldie gleefully.

"So what happened?" asked Lori.

"Someone" stated Fluvia, "decided to test that and we couldn't grab her in time. Sassy was concussed and I couldn't get past the security people!"

"It was awesome. They had an operator protective shield and I got up onto the control panel and activated it and quickly read the instructions and selected the EMERGENCY RANDOM FIRING PATTERN OPTION!"

The manufacturers claimed it was totally safe when operated by an responsible trained adult sentient and couldn't be used to hurt civilians and non combatants but some people ..." Fluvia stopped and looked at Goldie.

What had actually happened was that the AI ran an user authorization sequence.

"Query sentient adult?
Query legal ownership?
Query criminal record?
Query accept legal liability for all damages?"

Goldie of course answered YES to all the questions and selected the ERFPO and then a further option,

"MAXIMIZE FIRE POWER" "Thats what I yelled cried Goldie.

"The results," stated Fluvia resuming her narration, "were rockets and missiles and flares and flame throwers and stun rays and tranquillizer darts and absolute chaos and confusion for the next five minutes. No sentients were harmed tho some were slightly damaged and singed but lets just say that conference hall took some serious damage along with most of the weapons on display and then there was the damages and then after you got down off the weapon control you had accidentally blasted the display case for the time gun open and you rejuvenated the Dreadwolves and half the sales staff and there was a gun fight and more damage and eventually ... you're banned from using guns dear." finished Fluvia.

"But they made lots of lovely noise and they're shiny and things boom and I could learn to shoot straight!" wailed Goldie.

"Uncle A.F. had to use ALL his credit cards, the Bank of Dale, and the psychic paper one, and the Bank of Michel Delving, and we actually ran low on chocolate and other supplies to pay them all off and uncle was VERY VERY VERY unhappy!" stated Sassy.

"I had to sell off most of my hoard and jewellery and pearls and my golden Smaug collectible to pay off the damages for trying to be a hero!" wailed Goldie.

And that gentle readers is why the girls do not use guns and probably why you shouldn't either whether you want to use them for target shooting or to make a big noise or try to be a hero because even sentient sensible adults can have trouble with them and its usually them who have to fix the damage other people make.

Weaponry and Goullawks do not go well together as just as many dachshunds especially Teckelsteiners don't understand the meaning of fear Goullawks have trouble with the concept of concept and knowing when to hit the stop button.

So how are our girls going to stop evil dudes who love weaponry?

Hey this is a serial! I'm not telling you yet!

Monday, 21 January 2013



Whats going on with our heroes and villians.

Back at the node a certain megalomaniac with a fondness for green and purple armor was having a quiet gloat at the latest sitrep report. His plan seemed to  be proceeding and succeeding beautifully. On the screen behind him was a view of his greatest frenemy being nagged by ALL of his past and present possible and actual girlfriends wives and immediate family cloned adopted and natural.

"Yes" he hissed gleefully to himself, "using the other villians to overrun the Node while I made my wish at the Cintamani worked gorgeously!"

"The Node's reality alteration devices are resonating to the Cinatamani reinforcing my wish and anyone whose plans might slash with mine, villianous or heroic, is either locked up here or being kept very very busy elsewhere, signing autographs, suing their creators, attending chat shows with their actors, trying to edit their Face book Fan Pages, invading small countries, or going into therapy!"

"This time when Reality resets my son will survive!"

A small mad scientist with very big glasses who had been listening from the doorway walked into the room asking,

"and we will all get our wishes? No more dachshunds and goullawks being disruptive influences? I caught them in my daughter's bedroom trying to tempt her onto the boring path of virtuous righteousness."

"Relax Sivvy I promised you we'ld  will take care of  minor pests as well as the big cheese and the stupid wizard.

Look what I did to the Justice Elsoc teams! That island of women warriors is under siege from hordes of feminist neopagans hoping to interview them  and academics who were sent an anonymous tip off they had copies of the contents of the original Library of Alexandria. The Atlantic ocean has several new islands and various submarine aquatic  amphibian types are  busy protecting refugees and fending off delusional Atlantis cultists. The Chinese have military forces advancing towards various hidden cities and temples that some one sent them a map of and every major magic worker has had their address posted on the Internet and is being pestered by wannabe mages acolytes and guardians. The Bat is in Venice with his feline girlfriend ... "

"Some people are still NOT under our control or surveillance!"

"Oh those minor characters in Respite Street! Bah!"

"What if they come here?"

"I rather think we outnumber them?" replied our chief villian gesturing at the windows at a congerie of robots henchfolk and general villianry.

Yes gentle readers what will our band of characters do next to achieve the return of Teckelstein and the restoration of balance to the Multiverse!

to be continued real soon!

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Explaining Temporal Pests

This blog is the place to follow the adventures of the Temporal Pests Sassy and Goldie.

Sassy is from Teckelstein so she's an extra ordinary super sentient dachshund aristocrat from a pocket universe that can move throughout the multiverse and thru time and space and alternate realities, dreamings and fictionalities.

Goldie is a Goullawk a small dragon like creature with front flippers and tail flukes no wings and a magnificent crest of head feathers plus large fin like ears. She is a refugee from fan fiction who's definitely a character.

Other Characters.

Lady Zen Shipper. She's ...well let's just say two someones visited the same junkyard or museum or what ever that a certain other famous timeship came from.

Lay Zen Shipper however is a slightly more modern and less damaged model.

Well Lady Zen Shipper needs repairs or a rest or just occasionally wanders off on her own the girls use the services of REG the only Dawllawk London Taxi Cab Driver. Reg is NOT a D#$%& not really not despite the close physical resemblance ... really but if a D#$%& became sane it would probably be as cynical and sarcastic as REG.

I'm trying to arrange to have various pro artists do portraits of the girls but that requires MONEY so please use that Paypal tip jar and maybe suggest an artist too? Apart from that we're free though if there's ever the demand I'll put the girls' portraits onto merchandise?

IF I do ever get Paypal donations or sell some cups or mugs or something you have my promise 50% of Paypal and sales will be go to charity!

Posts to this post will continue until I either find some one who wants to publish this as a print novel or ebook or comic or whatever.

Please move on to the next post and enjoy!

Temporal Pests Copyright Julie Vaux 2013

Friday, 11 January 2013

Back in the Homeland

Back in the Home Land

Meanwhile back in beautiful scenic Teckelstein things were not getting better or fixed. Those residents who could tolerate darkness cold and shadows had retreated to the deepest caverns. Others were huddled around fireplaces in the main palace or other of the castles ringing the central lake. Aquatic and amphibian citizenry were occupied a swimming pool.

Augustus Friedrich von Teckelstein first Minister for Just about everything was consulting a big red book whose cover read Final Desperate Solutions in case of the world ending and the Sky Falling. And indeed the sky was falling slowly freezing and settling as snow flakes on the ground as the cold of whatever void Teckelstein was drifting seeped through the forcefields which were fading. Those occupants with weather powers had tried to form ice shields just inside the force fields but they were cracking.

"Gentle beings it would appear our readership has lowered to a critical limit and we have but one last solution left the Stone of Darkened Destiny!" announced AF grimly. Several people would have attempted to run out of the room but they were wearing so many layers of clothing running was impossible though there was some furtive shuffling.

"We need volunteers who are innocent virgins who love their pack !" shouted AF.

"Couldnt we try prayer again?" asked one person.

"That's why the power hasnt gone out completely yet!" answered AF.

Still one last time might help! Altogether now!

"oh mighty congeries of fannish readers and whosoever loveth dachshunds and complicated continual pop culture cross genre references and whosever has a sense of humor and can appreciate parody and satire and metatext and intertext cry out to all the powers and persons that have been are in being and will become moved by the power that by sweet Charity and Agape that moves the sun and stars shout out these words.


Shout it out threefold tenfold a hundred fold!



And as they prayed a small brave black and tan soul crept out of the hall to sacrifice himself.

to be continued  sooner or later hopefully sooner

Monday, 7 January 2013

Whatever happened to Lori Zech$%^ ?

Whatever happened to Lori Zech&*?

"Well this is going to be a difficult one!" stated Goldie once again reading over Sassy's head, "Has anyone seen that girl in ages?"

"Which girl?" asked HerInside

"Young Lori from Ohio. Wears Black. Into Goth. Power borrower." responded Goldie.

"Hang on I think I took her to the House of Mystery a few months back."

"But is she still there Reg?" answered Sassy, "With her powers she could be anywhere!"

In the House of Mystery the disgruntled landlord and his brother were tallying up the damages done by previous tenants. This lot had left knife and bullet marks in the walls and some very bizarre toys and dolls along with a troop of pet monkeys.

Then there was the mess currently being created by a desperate teenager trying to  figure out where her adult "friends" had gone. Lori was franticly going through desks and drawers looking for any clues to their whereabouts.

Finally exhuasted she huddled down crying on a certain killer acrobat's bed .

That was where Sassy and Goldie found her after REG had transported them there.

Sassy very quietly walked up to the bed with a bx of tissues in her mouth and held them out to Lori Zech#$%.

"Wha ... oh Sassy where is everyone ? I've been scrying and I just can't find anyone. One minute I'm in Latin class and the next minute the school disappears and I go down to the mall and  people are asking me why I'm dressed like a fictional character and there's this headlines and stories about worlds merging and ... and ... I cant find Oracle or my father and my  borrowing power isnt working properly and  ... and I'm getting this strange urge to wear a color apart from black."

Sassy and Goldie shuddered.

One of the most powerful females in the multiverse had been reduced to emo tantrums by the cosmic convergence.

Goldie inhaled ominously taking such a deep breath her sides inflated. Shr slapped the floor with her tail flukes and then raised them in a manner that cuased Sassy to step backwards lie down and cover her ears with her front paws.

There was a sudden blast of sound like a steam whistle combined with an flute layed by a shrieking bat that got everyone's attention.

"Now you listen here Lori Zech#$%. A girl who can walk in and out of Hell who can defy angels demons and villians should not be cowering on a bed. You come with us right now. There will be milk and cookies and we found one of your friends too!"

A somewhat dazed goth girl followed them out of the House of Mystery.

To be continued at the usual erratic pace.


Friday, 4 January 2013

(RE) introducing Temporal Pests

I'm doing a re introduction to Temporal Pest for those infrequent visitors who may be confused about the plot.

To be honest sometimes I wonder if we do have a plot since I'm taking narration from a pair of characters whose grasp of linear time is rather uncertain.

Our two main characters are Sassy a  sentient dachshund from Teckelstein and Goldie aka Gilda Dragonides aka that annoying Goullawk.

Our girls have been having adventures across the Multiverse  and through time and space and various realities and fictionalities and dreamings and other dimensions.

They are aided by

LADY ZEN SHIPPER a techno-organic travelling device saved from a junkyard on  Galli#$%^ before the timelock. She is probably related to the more famous TARDIS.

When LADY Zen is docked for repairs or just gone off shopping or wandering on her own the girls have often resorted to the services of London based taxi driver REG the Dawllawk. Not really a DAL#$ no really not at all.

Reg lives in East London on Respite Street with his lovely wife HerInside who just might be a Cyber er person.

The unfortunate survivor of a lost plot line JonaHexed sometimes gets dragged into  the girls' activities as a sidekick since neither of them have opposable thumbs. Yes JonaHexed does have a certain resemblance to an unpopular and abused Stargate character.

Currently a certain super villian got his hands on a reality altering Cintamani a wish granting jewel and made a wish that has lead to various parts of the Multiverse converging with our reality. This has involved Sassy and Goldie since there are certain cosmic laws you really shouldnt mess with.

You especially shouldnt make wishes that can only be fulfilled by cutting off Teckelstein from the rest of the Multiverse or promises to  other super villians who have had plans thwarted by Teckelsteiners.

Now Sassy and Goldie have to gather allies and gain access to the  Cintamani  to reset the Multiverse.

Now go back to the novel.

Thank you for hopefully choosing to continue reading Temporal Pests.