Saturday, 26 May 2012

Really Very Big Robots

Really Very BIG robots !

The Node didnt really have a horizon. You were either there or not there. Its edge if you could call that faded out into something like mist and clouds so you perceived it as a platform floating ina very pale "sky". A very large platform with a slight curve with objects and buildings scattered across it.

Coming aorund the edge of one of those buildings was a line of advancing robots, mechanical men, and giants of cold steel and other alloys, of varying models and sizes, from realms of anime, manga, and intergalactic space opera, and the wild beyonds of time and space and mortal dreaming.

Goldie and Jonahexed franticly begun pulling weapons and other things out of the saddle bags of the bike and Reg went back to his taxi's dashboard and pulled a few levers and the taxi levitated up just a few feet to give clearance for gunports to open and extend down and out.

The robots lumbered trundled stomped and rolled closer.

Goldie finally found her skateboard. The saddlebags were actually dimensional folds larger inside than outside so Jonahexed was now surrounded by a clutter of guns he was frantically checking the ammunition and power levels of.

The nearest robot raised a leg slowly and Jonahexed fired at its joints. Projectiles opened mid flight into strands of sticky entangling threads jamming its knee and ankle.

Sassy had an idea

"Er why don't we just drive or run under or around them?"

"whaa ... " cried Jonahexed as he was hit by a gas grenade and passed out falling to the ground in an elegant and melodramatic spiral.

Reg managed to toppled a few of the robots with ultra sharp flechettes shredding their limbs and screamed out
"Run Sassy Run!"

Goldie shrieked her crest raised.

"Yes Run Diversionary Tactic ....ack eraaah was it  36?!"

(Scribal note look up the ancient Chinese strategies of war gentle readers!"

Goldie screamed again.


Two words that some one really should have added to the robotic hordes' memories.

Two minijets lowered from her skateboard and ignited and the board whizzed off looping round and between and round again in a shifting random pattern.

Several of the robots fell over, losing their balance, trying to bend over and catch her. A  couple of robot tanks crashed into each other. More entangled themselves together reachng down to try and snatch up the Goullawk and Dachshund.

Reg muttered to himself unheard praise.

"That dragon does do lovely chaos."

Sassy was demonstrating why there are dachshund races.

A fit dachshund while not greyhound fast can achieve quite remarkable speeds due to the combination of a torpedo shaped torso and muzzle reducing wind resistance and two very powerful front legs with shock absorber front paws for kicking off the ground.  Plus avoiding giant robot feet trying to stomp you is an excellent adrenalin trigger!

However for the robots trying to swat or catch Sassy and Goldie was rather like swatting at flies and the swooping flight of Reg's taxi was like being divebombed by an Australian magpie in nesting season a sReg skilfully veered off in a different direction at the last possible moment before contact or impact.

The robots begun to turn and lumber after the goullawk and the dachshund and Reg took the opportunity to move upwards beyond their reach switch to sleath mode hovering silently praying the Gravity manipulators would overheat for his for lights of amber orange and blood red were flickering warnings on his dashboard.

Sassy had reached the doorway of the Cintamani Chapel when she heard a very close and loud stomp and a nyargle.

To be continued. Hopefully soon. sorry I'm late again folks!
Sick relative to tend to and other problems and obligations.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Wimbly Time

Ever wondered why a certain subset of linked universes and timelines has been beset by continual reality resets over the last few decades? READ THIS!?

Timelines wimble and Wobble and why!

Reg and company had an easy journey back to the Node apart from having to steer

around some cosmozooans and stopping to give a star whale directions.

The parking area at the node was curiously empty expect for one small figure, a

cylindrically orientated canid with short legs and red scorched fur on one side

that had been burnt very recently.

"Oh dear that's me again!" yelped Sassy.

"Look here I told you NOT to come back for three days well two and a bit or is

that one and a half now?
Honestly if you cant trust meself who can you?" retorted herself.

Reg made a strange wheezing noise suspicously like suppressed laughter.

JonaHexed studiously avoided eye contact with either Sassy, and Goldie blurted

out in a huff,

"Well I say, surely you can trust me ... most of the time ... if I'm not near

temptation and bling ... and then there  was that time I went shopping with

Selina ... but of course you can trust me!"

"I have to go get some rest before the climactic scene or resolution or whatever

happens next," sighed future Sassy,"Don't forget to come back and warn you and

oh temporal loop timeline tip! Grab a Vortex manipulator if you have a chance


She faded out like a Chesire Cat with one limb at a time disconcertingly slowly


"So what were we looking for again?" asked Goldie.

JonaHexed assumed a rhetorical position.

"Girls and gentleborg logic dictates .."

"or tyrannizes?" remarked Goldie flicking her tail flukes in a disrespectful


" a logical analysis suggests..." resumed JonaheXed glaring at the Goullawk, who

unable to resist the temptation of making a pun responded by asking him, "You

have a girl friend called Ana Lousis?"

(Scribal TIP consider theoriginal pronounciation of analysis in Greek)

JonaHexed glared at her again and continued,

 "that somehow Villians United! and gained access to the Wishing Jewel!"

"Er that is a Buddhist myth isn't it? The Cinatamani?" asked Sassy very

respectfully to soothe JonaHeXed.

"I don't speak Sanskrit..." muttered Reg, " but I take this is some kind of

crystalline based technology that converts energy to mass in response to a

psionic scan of users stationed within its receiving range?"

"Wow awesome technobabble Reg ... that .... that was a truly excellent

expository paragraph ... I think I'm just a bit jealous, " sighed JonaHexed.

"so there's this Wishing Jewel around here somewhere and the Villians probably

snuck one person in and then used it to open all the gates at once or shut down

the defences or some such thing and since they're  ..."

"still here and waiting for it to reset" stated a certain future version of

Sassy re-appearing once again with a sulphurous bamf of displaced air, "cos the

wish they made was for it to be highly improbable that anyone could help stop


"oh well that's easy then," burbled Goldie, "we do stuff other people find

atonishingly improbable, or nearly impossible.."

"... and extremely annoying ..." muttered Jonahexed,

"all the time and with grace and style!

So where's this Cintamani wishy thing?" finished Goldie.

"You forgot to ask me why I need to travel back to learn you!" grumbled Future


Everyone shut up to politely allow for a more dramatic pause, even Goldie.

"You can only reset the Cintamani every three days and you have to offer it

something a sacrifice a soul a destiny something big and reality altering!"

Reg groaned. "One of those! Mkranky Crystals, Cosmic Cuboids, Crystal Skulls,

Grail Cups, honestly you humanoids!"

"I wonder who offered their soul?" said Jonahexed.

Flashback The Cintamani A day and a half ago.

A mysterious figure who's bald and thinks green and prple look good on power

armor ... er not so mysterious for some readers is reciting these words.

"I A@#$^&*@( L56789 of Continuum %@ offer up my soul in return for denying

access to this node and wishing jewel for three days Earth Greenwich Time

twentieth century to any being or power who can stop me re-inserting my cloneson

back into my reality on the understanding that a) whatever happens after the

three day period my clone son remains real and gets to live to a healthy old age

dying a heroic death and b) related and linked condition the first person to

make a wish after that three day period can not undo this one whatever happens

to me so may it be!"

Ah the capacity of English for recursivity!

However it didnt occur to the speaker that that meant some one who had no

interest whatsoever in whether his offspring was dead or alive could have access

or make another wish the very moment the three day period ended.

He walked off to join his villians to rounding up and confining anyone being

currnetly at the Node capable of making a better wish.

To quote a certain Gallifrey History can be rewritten

There was a sound of something grinding to a stop and then stiffly painfully

altering its course. A sound like a river flowing backwards forced into a new

course. Then a sound like a strawberry jelly wobbler quivering.

Time is wimbly!

"So why are we here if we cant change things for another day and a half and bit

?" asked Sassy.

"Cos you are going to need a lot of help to make sure one of you is first in

line to make a wish that brings Teceklstein back and fixes the mess here,

hopefully a wish that stops or limits all these annoying reality resets!"
stated Future Sassy who then disappeared again.

Jonahexed groaned quietly.

Then the giant robots appeared.

to be continued ...

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

A Sensible Civil Sorcerer

Dr A@#$%^&* was enjoying a cup of Darjeeling when his phone rung.

He put down the catalogue of exotic plants he had been holding in his other hand and lifted up the old fashioned receiver. He refused to use a cell phone especially after that incident with the modified iphone and the extra paper work and meetings it had created.

"DR A I wonder if you could pop in after work?"

"AH Silver lady of course it would be a pleasure. Have you been ... baking?"

"Oh Dr A you know I always make extra in case friends drop in and this afternoon two very special friends did with information you might want. Is this line clear? Is anyone in your office? We may have a Code Sky is falling situation."

"Some one is planning an illegal crossover that will weaken or even fracture the zone between worlds?"

"Possibly worse. Sassy and Goldie came to afternoon tea, and No, they're N _ O _ T causing problems but they came because my darling Reg had to do an emergency pickup from L.A."

The Silver Lady also know as HerInside went on to describe in brief the day's events.

Dr A after listening to her account placed the phone down swore in Mongolian then Latin and a strange unhuman language and summoned the apprentice he referred to as young Robert to his office.

"CodexRedSkyDissolving" he uttered solemnly three times.

Young Robert shuddered and cringed. There were few things as scary as his boss' ability to pronounce capitalisation. Dr A's use of that ability indicated some of those few things were active and that he might have to work UNPAID overtime.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Goullawk Sketch

While your humble scribe is finishing off the next few chapters here's a rough sketch of Goldie

Gilda Dragonides AKA Goldie Copyright J. Vaux 2012

Tuesday, 1 May 2012


Transdimensional devices can be larger inside than outside.

And also have doors that change size when you really need to move!.

A useful feature indeed when you have a human a dachshund and a motor bike with a side car plus a bundled up goullawk all trying to get thru a door as quickly as possible while the henchfolk outside are aiming weapons at them.

Inside at the front of the cab where the driver's seat should be was the mobile casing for a mutant cyborg.
 A sign hanging down from the ceiling advised passengers.

NOT A DA#$%!

The driver turned an optical sensor towards his passengers in the back seat.

"SO ladies and gentlebeings where to?
I was heading home for afternoon tea myself!
HerInside is making Devonshire Tea !
Care to join us in a restorative cup?."

The passengers barked assented and in the case of a still muzzled Goldie mumbled thru McGyver standard duct tape as Reg deftly considering he only apparently had one external digit hit the accelerator triggered the inertial dampers and the cab took off through the skies heading eastwards at near light speed.

They passed a couple of UFOS three black ops sleath aircraft and a time bubble with some teenagers in it as they crossed the Atlantic Ocean and then veered south and moved to a lower altitude to avoid the temporal anomalies and stray pterodactyls near Cardiff.

Reg took the scenic route over the Weald and then circled up towards the Thames and descended to a quiet suburban street in Eastern London.

As they climbed out of the taxi onto the pavement a woman with a pram waved at them.

"'Ello Reg 'Avin' a good day!"

"The best!"
chortled Reg gliding towards his front door past a shrubbery of plants neatly trimmed into robot shapes.
 The door had a knocker featuring the head of the famous fembot from Metropolis.

"Cosplay excuse still working Reg?" asked Sassy.

"Well that, and half the residents on this street being werewolves, vampires, refugees from cancelled series, escapees or holiday rentals from book realms, and the perceptual filter fractals hidden in the paintwork, that  Dr A designed for us."

Reg called out to his spouse as his passengers sat down in the front parlour.

"Sweet silver and sugar your spice pot is home!"

"Tea's just reached the perfect pouring temperature dearest!
I've have the tea trolley there in a minute!
Did I hear Sassy come in with you?"

A tall slender being with a skin of flexible metallic silver mixed with armor and wearing a frilly apron, pushed a trolley loaded with a basket lined with a linen tea towel to keep scones warm, a English creamware teapot with steam rising from its spout, and a small bowl of strawberry conserve, into the room.

(Real strawberry conserve not some vaguely fruity gelatine pretending to be jam)

"Hello darlings you haven't dropped in on us for ages!"

Jonahexed was still trying to untape and tie Goldie.

HerInside glanced at this.

"I'lll just go and get my scissors and the Stanley knife shall I so Goldie can join us and some extra straws, yes?"

"That's my very practical darling!" stated Reg proudly.

A shirt while later after some lovely scissor work by HerInside Goldie and Reg were sipping tea thru straws into their orifices, Sassy was licking cream and jam off a scone, and Jonahexed was sticking out one finger at a time trying to remember which one you kept straight while drinking tea.

"Well ladies and friends why were people shooting at you this time?" asked Reg.

Jonahexed opened his mouth ready to go to explanatory mode but Sassy barked first.

"You know that node where ALL well nearly ALL the various Time patrols Agencies and Temporal Bureaus have offices well its been overrun by villains from their own universes and others, ALL of them at once! They're having a massive crossover collision crisis!
The oddest thing though," continued Sassy, "well I saw myself and she told me not to come back for three days?"

"UM" muttered Reg thoughtfully, "now the other day I was in one of the Book Realms picking up a fare and the passengers were talking about how a reset takes three days and they were going towards a node?!"

"So?" asked JonaHexed, " do we go back one day or forward two and half or what?

When exactly did they reset the node to lower the quantum thresholds between realities?"

"Who cares! I need someone to massage salve into the marks the duct tape left!" hissed Goldie.

"Then SO," continued JonaHexed who had a great fondness for  conjunctions , "are we going to do some sensible planning and get some expert advice or go looking for trouble?"

"Reg can you take us to the node?" asked Sassy.

JonaHexed moaned and HerInside thoughtfully passed him another scone and returned to the kitchen, calling out as she went,

"I'll just pack some lunches for you then!"

Later after they left Her Indoors with equal thoughtfulness and concern rang a London phone number, which was a direct line to the office of  the deeply scary sorcerer called Dr A******* .

(Yes an office which probably has a nickname starting with L. Probably?)

Join us later this week or next week for the the next part which I haven't even thought of a name of yet!

and think about using that paypal tip jar I have a birthday coming up!