Saturday, 30 June 2012


Reg being a skilful driver evaded some curiously half hearted pursuit and soon had the girls back at Lady Zen Shipper who was soaking up the SoCal sunlight.

"Now ladies Supper's at Seven! Sure you don't want me to fly along you?"

"Really Reg how much trouble can we get into just flying to London?"  retorted Sassy.

Reg swivelled a sensor down at the dachshund and went into ominous silence mode being unable to glare at them with no neck external eye or indeed face. He sighed which for him was a low buzz of static.

"Just be careful girls!"

And being a careful driver he went into sleath mode as soon as he took off but the girls however were not and it was Goldie's turn to drive.

It wasnt long before they were being buzzed by USAF jets.

"Honestly Goldie did you have to fly over Nevada!" snapped Sassy as she nuzzled the speed dial up to supersonic,"you know how much that disturbs certain people!"

"But it makes the Area 51 campers so happy when they spot a UFO!" replied Goldie.

The UFO spotters down in Area 51 might have been excited to spot two UFOs if the vessel following them hadn't been in sleath mode.

Its one fully conscious occupant was chortling while evilly draped around the shoulders of a person who was familiar with Sassy and Goldie's piloting skills and battle strategies or lack thereof.

The sinister sentient cloth known as Dark Caper to some and Idiot Cousin to family had possessed  Jonahexed!

As they reached the Eastern Seaboard the first sleath missile struck Lady Zen Shipper not only marring her exterior but releasing a swarm of nanites that began to eat through her surface.

The ship shuddered and begun to spin faster and faster trying to shake them off and then resorted to the dangerous strategy of literally shedding her outer layers and shielding. Chunks of metal plastic and wierd alloys fell to the ground however causing no more than minor damage as most of them landed on a toxic waste dump not occupied by any mutants or monsters and the nanites eat up all the toxic waste before becoming inert so it eventually became a wetland and nesting site for migrating birds. Another piece  burnt through the windshield of a car full of Creationists on their way to a school board meeting thereby making them too late to vote to ban text books, and yet another fragment set fire to a nearby drug dealer's house.

These three events ultimately led to a group of witnessing teenagers deciding science might be more interesting than getting stoned, actually passing  the next day's chemistry exam, since with no illegal drugs available they went home and studied, and then going on to become a group of researchers who developed life saving drugs.

Normally if this  badly damaged Lady Zen Shipper would have automatically done an emergency transdimensional either to Teckelstein or a friendly nearby reality but with a horrible churning noise she jumped elsewhere and landed on something metallic with a loud clanking noise.

"Where are we now?" asked Goldie shaking dust out of her crest feathers.

"Oh even I thought that was a legend!" exclaimed Sassy looking at the forward screen, "I think ... maybe ... really .... wow we're in the space Sargasso ... the Full Metal Junkyard ... or some's private museum?"

Outisde parked or cabled to asteroids or just drifting were starships and air ships and strange devices and steam punk machines and flotsam and debris and a few giant robots with space travel capacity.

One asteroid however seemed to have several buildings on it and a sign saying "The End of the Line".

"No Sassy this is  simply can not be the dreadful Space Sargasso. That would mean our following of active readers has fallen low the fannish inverse critical threshold ... " Goldie paused to check to see if her tail flukes were fading.

Sassy whimpered "  ...aa ... an .... some of those ships look like they're fading out at the edges ... losing color ... becoming  flat and twodimensional..." She spun around trying to nip her tail and feet to check they were still there.

"oh happy idea Galpal if there are people out there we can use them to repair the Lady or swap for spare parts or something."

"Swap what this time? Your lingerie collection? Silk is only a barterable item in some parts of the multiverse."

"Oh well you know me I might just have a few collectables stashed around the ship mmm?" Goldie flumped out to to do a tally.

The End of the Line was probably one of the dreariest saddest pathetic bars in the multiverse full of depressed beings or worse people trying the cheer them up or people trying to get drunk or recovering from hangovers and everything was shades of gray or worse faded pastels and smelt of bleach.

There were clone troopers with cracked armor and cyborgs with plastic patches in odd places and robots with missing eyes and a fat bartender with tentacles instead of a beard who was slumped over the bar unconscious and the occupants barely stirring even when Goldie surged inot the middle of the barroom shrieking,

"Rise and shine people two ladies in distress are looking for repairs for their ship!"

A few people blinked. One person even stood up but instead of approaching them moved to a position where he could ignore them more easily.

Sassy tried nudging one of them on the knee and using the winsome charm of tilted head and wistful eyes. No response.

"We have money!" shrieked Goldie.

Some one laughed bitterly.

"We have fans and an author typing struggling to get us out of here!"

"Your author is still alive?" asked a woman wearing a silver overall.

"You could have her rewrite us into an active story?" asked another?

Fresh air suddenly moved through the bar and the bartender woke up and started serving drinks.

" and Lady Zen shipper just needs some shielding and spare ammo and we'll take as many of you as we can back to London with us."

"The REAL London ..." sighed a minor character," to be real and solid and ... and ... "

"Sassy" whispered Goldie none of these people are on your list?
Is this the right way to get back to London?"

"MMM well we went the wrong way going over Nevada," Goldie humphed,
"but helping these people puts us back the right way surely?"

"so the worng way is the right way is the wrong way is the ... er lets just fix the ship and get out of here!"

Help power up the girls above the fannish threshold!

Tell a friend or two or three or hundred about Temporal Pests!

Next The long wrong way to London!

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Toil and Trouble and Time Machines.

Sassy and Goldie were trotting across through a section of the Node called the Gallifrey Memorial Garden when Sassy's future self appeared again.

"You're going the wrong way!" she snarled.

Sassy instinctively if impolitely barked back and Goldie coiled backwards and hissed.

The future self whined in exasperation sat down and used one back paw to pull out a note tucked in her collar.

"I got someone to write me a note. Here's a checklist of things I've done since I know how short some people's attention spans are!"

"Yes Sassy when chocolate's nearby your ..." interrupted Goldie.

"I was being VERY polite when I used an indefinite pronoun instead the word two!" grumbled future self Sassy, pointing her muzzle at a certain Goullawk.

"Number One obtain strap on time travel device."

"But we have Lady Zen Shipper!  ... has something happened to her?" asked Sassy.

"Number Two contact ALL the people listed on the back of this note.

Number Three release prisoners! by the way they have Jonahexed!

Number Four

 One wish is all it takes but apparently I willnt be the one making it according to the person who told me that

Number Five Watch out for people who look like  two middle aged hikers with English accents and a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara."

The paper with the list fell to the ground as Future Self Sassy either disappeared or imploded with a loud POP.

Sassy and Goldie sat there puzzled until Reg came out of sleath mode and descended to land next to them.

Reg came out of his taxi saw the list and started to read it and turned over and read the list on the other side.

"Well you two have work to do don't you?

There's an awful lot of dragons on this list Goldie?"

"WHY do I have to do the dragons!?" complained the the Goullawk swashing her tail and imperiously rising her head and spreading her crest.

Reg retorted with a list.

"Dragonoid being with scales. Who speaks several darkish lingos.
 Domineering personality. Dates other dragons. Dates outside her species.
Has one reluctant boyfriend who's a dragon mage.
Goes shopping with someone even more obsessed with bling with her for gold plated prosthetics for poor whassa his Gra ... "

"Gold is good!" hissed the Goullawk, " . . . so I helped Iski pick up out a commissioned piece of art work over in Ankh and Morpor ..."

"I thought you were banned from most of the dwarvish jewellers there?" asked Reg in a tone of almost malevolent innocence.

"I really don't need a trip to Longshan at the moment," hissed Goldie.

"It's Luau night there! You always try to get barbecue nights unless ... oh you haven't been banned again have you? OH Goldie what was it this time?" cried Sassy.

"er mmm er uh well I might have to apologize for both of us to a few people for pamphleteeering again on P.#.$.N." stated Goldie trying too obviously to be cool and nonchalant.

"OOOOH" sniggered Reg," You two been handing out copies of Workers of P.#.$.N UNITE AGAIN!"

Scribal note For some curious reason this song has NOT been widely distributed throughout Fandom.

 "Tunnel Hounds of P.#.$.N Unite
to regain your hearth Rights.

Who keeps the watch wherriess warm at Night
under the cold dread starlight?

who turns the spit for your steaks
who chases off tunnelsnakes ?

Who gets all the darn glory
who hogs most of the story?

who does the work down in the gloom
while dragonkin thru the skies zoom

workers of P.#.$. N. Unite
Regain your ancient right

tunnel hounds no longer ignore
or we'll gnash and smash and gnaw!

oops theres the sound oh so distinct
wonder why lizardies nearly went extinct?

Tunnel Hounds of P.#. $. N. Unite
Regain your ancient Hearth rights!"

"But its for the good of Teckelstein!" barked Sassy

"Er I forget to trim off Proudly Printed by Teckelsteins' Radicals and Rebels Workshop off the bottom" answered Goldie.

The dachshund groaned and slumped to the ground.

"Well ladies I need to get home for supper. You two better come with. Perhaps some of my friends and neighbours might have ideas?"

Monday, 11 June 2012

Meanwhile back in A real world.

There are several worlds universes continuums and dimensions that are (self) regarded as being the prime original source of the all the others.

For sanity and plotting sake I'll presume mine is real.

Anyway in A real world possibly this one a gracious cyborg was offering tea and biscuits to Doctor A who had dropped in on his way home from the office to his own residence further along the road.

"...and I've kept the tea leaves for you to feed the triffids. Are you still having trouble training the delivery people?"

"Well I did get the girls pruned just to be on the safe side but no they all know to leave things by the front door now" replied Dr. A

"So when will Reg be getting back? Do you mind if I watch the evening news here? I'vn't had a chance to finish unpacking the new plasma big screen."

"Oh I'm so looking forward to that!" responded HerInside.

Meanwhile at another REAL world Sassy and Goldie were inside the Cintamani Chapel reading the visitor's book. NO Goldie didnt get stomped by a giant robot it was a near miss though!

"Why are we doing this again if we already know we cant make a wish for three days?" asked Goldie.

"cos if there's not a proper time loop time may branch and guess who will probably have to make the timestreams converge again? "

"oooh that would be you and Jonahexed. You know how I am with physics and there's the whole lack of an opposable thumb thing," answered Goldie.

"ah here's the page with a copy of the wish ... oh Mr. L@$%^# what have you done! But why would that make Teckelstein fade out?" Oh I think we need to phone this and show the page to greater and more twisty minds than ours.

Meanwhile back on Another REAL World Dr. A was turning an interesting shade of pale under his usual public servant pallor as he and HerInside watched the Evening News.

"Another update on the global fan prank trend. Yes all across the world people presumably fans are dressing up as characters and attacking rioting or demonstrating in right or inside of authors home and publishing companies. Live from Ter.. "

Two elderly ladies dressed in dark clothing and holding broomsticks were standing in front of a cowering gibbering author  yelling at a mob consisting of dwarves, trolls, vampires and others, including a group of people who seemed to be wearing Roman armor but carrying police batons, and some very academic looking wizards.

"Clearoff you lot and go home. Leave the poor man alone!"

"And over in the USA there's a herd of angry white horses in the front yard of a certain noted fantasy author In Pasadena  geeks are running riot shouting Bazinga!  and  in New York the head office of a certain media ... well there's explosions screaming and a mob in costumes down in the street demanding friends and relatives be re-inserted into ..."

Dr.A changed the channel yet again.

"Live from Cardiff People are claiming to have seen pterodactyls and ghosts and just in we have footage on what has to be a fan prank a woman in Victorian clothing chasing the producers of Dah she really shrieking  stop damaging my fresh paintwork...!?"

"Reports from Tokyo. Large balloons resembling Gozdilla and other movie monsters are drifting across the bay and are approaching the shoreline. Well we hope they're balloons?!

Meanwhile reports from the South Pacific of undersea volcanoes forming small isles with unusual speed and other odd activities around the Lord Howe rise and certain deep sea ridges ..."

"A publicity stunt or filming for a new War of the Worlds or H. G. Wells movie seems to have misfired literally with reports of explosions, a forest fire, and a replica of his Time Machine falling from the sky and blocking a major roadway ..."

"Scotland yard is under siege or would be if the several versions of Sherlock Holmes hadn't gotten into a fight in the car park. Meanwhile across  people claiming to be fictional detectives pathologists and consultants have showed up for work and taken over offices."

The TV showed a group that seemed to consist of Lord Peter Wimsey, Hercules Poiret, and a small child called Bertie who really should have been in Edinburgh.

Stay tuned for more mayhem and mischief with the Temporal Pests!

Monday, 4 June 2012

A note from your Scribe

Hey people I had to take a week off nursing a sick relative and because it was my birthday so here's a quickie filler post.

Yes like its my birthday so did anyone notice the tipjar?

Popular culture and Science fiction Fantasy references that have been made so far indirectly in Temporal Pests

surely ... shirley okay who missed that one?

shakespearean actors and scifi

cosmic crystals

auditors of reality

time patrols

torchwood and a certain captain

doctor who

charlie stross' laundry novels

oh and I think I forgot to mention that Teckelstein is basically a giant planoforming device or rather a large asteroid planetoid size chunk of terrain enclosed in a planoforming field  now who's read Cordwainer Smith?

next time a look at the consequences for the "real" world of a certain person's wish