Sunday, 27 January 2013

Milk and cookies and guns and goullawks


Milk and cookies


   . . .  and guns and goullawks

Sassy and Goldie had taken Lori Zee$%^&N back to Lady Zen Shipper and Fluvia Canta  was pouring Tea for all of them. Lori spotted the gun holstered to Fluvia's hip and asked about it.

"You have a gun?"

"Yes and it's dual action projectiles and energy beams!"

Fluvia pulled it out of her holster and placed it on the table.

" ... and it was hand crafted by ..." she paused to swat Goldie away from it. The Goullawk had been eyeing it with an acquisitive look and was slowly reaching towards it finger claws opening to grab it.

"You KNOW why you're not allowed near guns ...hand guns pistols rifles semi- automatics machine guns cannonry death rays ... and especially MY GUN!" scolded Fluvia picking it up.

Lori looked at both of them.

The goullawk was muttering to herself " ... but its shiny and pearly on the handles and blingy and ..."

"Is there a story? " asked Lori," and havnt I seen you on TV or somewhere with a different name?"

"Hush darling SPOILERS so hush and I'll tell you a story that demonstrated why responsible adults ONLY should have weapon licences and weapons should be in safe places when they're not in use.

"SHINY!" protested the Goullawk overwhelmed with dragonish instincts.

Fluvia holstered her gun reclined backwards with her cup of tea and begun the story in between elegant sips from her tea cup.

"Once upon a time I went to a gun show looking for something rumored to be a weapon from a lost and legendary world hoping those rumors might attract the attention of a very special GOOD MAN. This weapon was going to be auctioned or maybe stolen and legend had it that what it projected was a field that caused localized temporal flux effects. You could age or rejuvenate an object or person or speed up some thing slowing down or vice versa for a brief while."

"Was that when you met a very good doctor person who likes bow ties?" asked Sassy.

Lori was slowly working it out ... " time ... weapons ... good man ... doctor ... hey Fluvia's Latin for ..."

(Scribal Note What a pity so few judging from the visitor stats Whovians learn Latin?)

"Yes dear but tell me continue the story.

" A.F. Von Teckelstein was there too looking for weapons modified to be used by people who have paws and no opposable thumbs and he had brought along Sassy and Goldie to keep them out of trouble. I heard this gorgeous baritone voice saying

"Now you two will please stay here at the eatery and have that plate of cookies and biscuits and bowl of chocolate milk while I finish my transaction with the craftspersons ja!?"

I looked behind me and there was my dear friends Sassy and Goldie and .."

You disobeyed this A.F guy and went shopping?" interrupted Lori.

"No we were not misbehaving just sitting there quietly  eating drinking and gossipping when an alarm went off and we saw security run past and heard a canid life form growling. So we followed that sound and the security people.

The growling was being done by the DREADWOLVES from the Planet with Three and a Half Moons who looked like wolves standing on their hind legs but with really badly groomed fur and weapons holsters around their torsos and cyborg attachments in odd places not just over eyes and ears but lower down and ... and ... a tap where his ...er never mind ... they had taken hostages in the auction area and were demanding the time gun be given to them..."

"And they were holding my Uncle by his neck! He had tried to leapt up and attack them but they are very fast and grabbed him mid leap but he was still growling at them..." interrupted Sassy, "so I valiantly leaped into the fray and bite one of them and he kicked me and I landed ..."

"right next to the modified weapons A.F. had been trying to purchase whose display area was right next to the auction area, " continued Fluvia, " and Goldie flumped over to you looked around and saw the signs labelling the weapons.

"Which was Child Safe Voice Activated AI controlled Ethical Weaponry!" recalled Goldie gleefully.

"So what happened?" asked Lori.

"Someone" stated Fluvia, "decided to test that and we couldn't grab her in time. Sassy was concussed and I couldn't get past the security people!"

"It was awesome. They had an operator protective shield and I got up onto the control panel and activated it and quickly read the instructions and selected the EMERGENCY RANDOM FIRING PATTERN OPTION!"

The manufacturers claimed it was totally safe when operated by an responsible trained adult sentient and couldn't be used to hurt civilians and non combatants but some people ..." Fluvia stopped and looked at Goldie.

What had actually happened was that the AI ran an user authorization sequence.

"Query sentient adult?
Query legal ownership?
Query criminal record?
Query accept legal liability for all damages?"

Goldie of course answered YES to all the questions and selected the ERFPO and then a further option,

"MAXIMIZE FIRE POWER" "Thats what I yelled cried Goldie.

"The results," stated Fluvia resuming her narration, "were rockets and missiles and flares and flame throwers and stun rays and tranquillizer darts and absolute chaos and confusion for the next five minutes. No sentients were harmed tho some were slightly damaged and singed but lets just say that conference hall took some serious damage along with most of the weapons on display and then there was the damages and then after you got down off the weapon control you had accidentally blasted the display case for the time gun open and you rejuvenated the Dreadwolves and half the sales staff and there was a gun fight and more damage and eventually ... you're banned from using guns dear." finished Fluvia.

"But they made lots of lovely noise and they're shiny and things boom and I could learn to shoot straight!" wailed Goldie.

"Uncle A.F. had to use ALL his credit cards, the Bank of Dale, and the psychic paper one, and the Bank of Michel Delving, and we actually ran low on chocolate and other supplies to pay them all off and uncle was VERY VERY VERY unhappy!" stated Sassy.

"I had to sell off most of my hoard and jewellery and pearls and my golden Smaug collectible to pay off the damages for trying to be a hero!" wailed Goldie.

And that gentle readers is why the girls do not use guns and probably why you shouldn't either whether you want to use them for target shooting or to make a big noise or try to be a hero because even sentient sensible adults can have trouble with them and its usually them who have to fix the damage other people make.

Weaponry and Goullawks do not go well together as just as many dachshunds especially Teckelsteiners don't understand the meaning of fear Goullawks have trouble with the concept of concept and knowing when to hit the stop button.

So how are our girls going to stop evil dudes who love weaponry?

Hey this is a serial! I'm not telling you yet!