Saturday, 30 June 2012


THE WRONG WAY TO LONDON

Reg being a skilful driver evaded some curiously half hearted pursuit and soon had the girls back at Lady Zen Shipper who was soaking up the SoCal sunlight.

"Now ladies Supper's at Seven! Sure you don't want me to fly along you?"

"Really Reg how much trouble can we get into just flying to London?"  retorted Sassy.

Reg swivelled a sensor down at the dachshund and went into ominous silence mode being unable to glare at them with no neck external eye or indeed face. He sighed which for him was a low buzz of static.

"Just be careful girls!"

And being a careful driver he went into sleath mode as soon as he took off but the girls however were not and it was Goldie's turn to drive.

It wasnt long before they were being buzzed by USAF jets.

"Honestly Goldie did you have to fly over Nevada!" snapped Sassy as she nuzzled the speed dial up to supersonic,"you know how much that disturbs certain people!"

"But it makes the Area 51 campers so happy when they spot a UFO!" replied Goldie.

The UFO spotters down in Area 51 might have been excited to spot two UFOs if the vessel following them hadn't been in sleath mode.

Its one fully conscious occupant was chortling while evilly draped around the shoulders of a person who was familiar with Sassy and Goldie's piloting skills and battle strategies or lack thereof.

The sinister sentient cloth known as Dark Caper to some and Idiot Cousin to family had possessed  Jonahexed!

As they reached the Eastern Seaboard the first sleath missile struck Lady Zen Shipper not only marring her exterior but releasing a swarm of nanites that began to eat through her surface.

The ship shuddered and begun to spin faster and faster trying to shake them off and then resorted to the dangerous strategy of literally shedding her outer layers and shielding. Chunks of metal plastic and wierd alloys fell to the ground however causing no more than minor damage as most of them landed on a toxic waste dump not occupied by any mutants or monsters and the nanites eat up all the toxic waste before becoming inert so it eventually became a wetland and nesting site for migrating birds. Another piece  burnt through the windshield of a car full of Creationists on their way to a school board meeting thereby making them too late to vote to ban text books, and yet another fragment set fire to a nearby drug dealer's house.

These three events ultimately led to a group of witnessing teenagers deciding science might be more interesting than getting stoned, actually passing  the next day's chemistry exam, since with no illegal drugs available they went home and studied, and then going on to become a group of researchers who developed life saving drugs.

Normally if this  badly damaged Lady Zen Shipper would have automatically done an emergency transdimensional either to Teckelstein or a friendly nearby reality but with a horrible churning noise she jumped elsewhere and landed on something metallic with a loud clanking noise.

"Where are we now?" asked Goldie shaking dust out of her crest feathers.

"Oh even I thought that was a legend!" exclaimed Sassy looking at the forward screen, "I think ... maybe ... really .... wow we're in the space Sargasso ... the Full Metal Junkyard ... or some's private museum?"

Outisde parked or cabled to asteroids or just drifting were starships and air ships and strange devices and steam punk machines and flotsam and debris and a few giant robots with space travel capacity.

One asteroid however seemed to have several buildings on it and a sign saying "The End of the Line".

"No Sassy this is  simply can not be the dreadful Space Sargasso. That would mean our following of active readers has fallen low the fannish inverse critical threshold ... " Goldie paused to check to see if her tail flukes were fading.

Sassy whimpered "  ...aa ... an .... some of those ships look like they're fading out at the edges ... losing color ... becoming  flat and twodimensional..." She spun around trying to nip her tail and feet to check they were still there.

"oh happy idea Galpal if there are people out there we can use them to repair the Lady or swap for spare parts or something."

"Swap what this time? Your lingerie collection? Silk is only a barterable item in some parts of the multiverse."

"Oh well you know me I might just have a few collectables stashed around the ship mmm?" Goldie flumped out to to do a tally.


The End of the Line was probably one of the dreariest saddest pathetic bars in the multiverse full of depressed beings or worse people trying the cheer them up or people trying to get drunk or recovering from hangovers and everything was shades of gray or worse faded pastels and smelt of bleach.

There were clone troopers with cracked armor and cyborgs with plastic patches in odd places and robots with missing eyes and a fat bartender with tentacles instead of a beard who was slumped over the bar unconscious and the occupants barely stirring even when Goldie surged inot the middle of the barroom shrieking,

"Rise and shine people two ladies in distress are looking for repairs for their ship!"

A few people blinked. One person even stood up but instead of approaching them moved to a position where he could ignore them more easily.

Sassy tried nudging one of them on the knee and using the winsome charm of tilted head and wistful eyes. No response.

"We have money!" shrieked Goldie.

Some one laughed bitterly.

"We have fans and an author typing struggling to get us out of here!"

"Your author is still alive?" asked a woman wearing a silver overall.

"You could have her rewrite us into an active story?" asked another?

Fresh air suddenly moved through the bar and the bartender woke up and started serving drinks.

" and Lady Zen shipper just needs some shielding and spare ammo and we'll take as many of you as we can back to London with us."

"The REAL London ..." sighed a minor character," to be real and solid and ... and ... "

"Sassy" whispered Goldie none of these people are on your list?
Is this the right way to get back to London?"

"MMM well we went the wrong way going over Nevada," Goldie humphed,
"but helping these people puts us back the right way surely?"

"so the worng way is the right way is the wrong way is the ... er lets just fix the ship and get out of here!"

Help power up the girls above the fannish threshold!

Tell a friend or two or three or hundred about Temporal Pests!

Next The long wrong way to London!