AAARGH ACK AND ARGLE

AAARGH ACK AND ARGLE

A MESSAGE FROM THE (c0) Star of this series

Ms. Gilda Dragonides aka Goldie the Goullawk,

Copyright Julie Vaux 2013

Despite Sassy and My multiple efforts to distract divert and otherwise cheer up  and inspire the Scribe she's still only half  way through the next chapter due to the tasks involved in something called clearing a estate which apparently involves paperwork throwing out lots of stuff and photographing and putting up ads for other stuff instead of drawing and writing about me and Sassy.

Please read the prior posts oh and will someone please use the paypal tip jar ?

Breaking thru the Frame Goldie Image

copyright julie vaux 2013

perhaps I should add a caption ... I survived a date with Smaug  and claim its a pop culture mashup and put on a tee ? what do you think readers? Hello Readers ? Where are you?

One Lab Accident

"Now what's next on our list?" asked Goldie, although she was quite capable of reading it herself.

Sassy was squinting earnestly with a very serious expression at the list.

"We've got cavalry and air support but we need a flock of dodos and to arrange a freak storm in pasadena to cause a lab accident to an Amy FF, some called pennypennypenny! and Bernie ... is ... gosh who wrote this for me ... is that name wolowiz?"

Meanwhile in Pasadena other people had similar ideas and two Ph.D., a Masters in Engineering and a waitress were setting up chemicals and other devices while Mrs Wolowiz and Superpandit were watching them. Superpandit was floating four feet off the floor as his new levitation abilities had gotten stuck on HOVER.

"Okay people if we're right about how the laws of physics have changed an open window a kitchen bench covered with dangerous chemicals and  a few of his hairs should allow us to locate the East Texan Mantis Monster along with this picture Stuie draw for us and the scrabble board on the table.

Now how do we get the freak weather or electrical discharge?"

Some short time later in the stratosphere Lady Zen Shipper was cloud herding disguised as an airship with camo gray cloud patterns.

"All right are we above Pasadena yet?  Everyone got their safety googles on?" asked JonaHexed dressed in a dashing 30s style lab jacket steam punk googles and black rubber boots.

"Oh can I do the count down wehn you pull the lever?" squealed Goldie!

"Lets all do it start chanting folks!" cried JonaHeXed as he started moving the lever downwards.

"TEN!" There was a humming sound.

"NINE!" An whiff of ozone!

"EIGHT!" Well yeah you're going to have to READthe SFX unless I suddenly start getting ahelluva lot of Paypal tokens of appreciation so I can pay a PRO to draw this and other scenes and no one has used the paypal yet and Christmas is coming and ...

"SEVEN" Fluvia's hair begun to frizz with static electricity and Sassy's heckles rose.

"SIX" Down in Pasadena the waitress exclaimed

"Oh a freak unforecast storm!"

"FIVE" "Everyone get inside the circle or stand next to the chemicals!" shouted one of the Ph.D's in Pasadena.

"FOUR"

"THREE"

"TWO"

Okay everyone reader participation time!

"ONE!"

A massive discharge of over excited molecules wove a mass of air into a pathway for power and flashed downwards thru the window.

Next time have our fearless heroines made new allies?

Lost Boys

Penny Amy and Lost Boys

Meanwhile while the girls were working their way down their list back at the Node a Lost Boy was forlornly wandering around.

"Penny! Amy! Leon!
Where are my friends Primary Secondary and Tertiary!
Sob they promised me the power to change the laws of physics and all I got so far was this teeshirt and a black cape!"

This character of course  oh yes oh course nudge wink has absolutely no link nudge wink with a certain Texan resident in Pasadena? Of course not!


and back at that residence Leon is screaming out the window.

"Oh for pity's sake Rajnee get here and stop levitating!
And Superpandit is NOT a good super hero name!
and what if the laws of physics suddenly change back again!?

Herding Cats

Herding cats and dragons.

Organizing dragons into groups for joint action is a feat similar to herding cats. Unlikely but possible if the cats have a common gaol.

Pleasing a human they're fond of. Defending kits. Receiving praise.

Getting an annoying small dragonoid to go away.

Then again they may just ignore every effort you make.

Goldie had been sitting on a beach for quite some time next to a pile of collectables and bling shrieking bulging and yodelling in every dragonish lanaguage she know attempting to attract attention so she could get a larger sea dragon or a flier to get her over and up to Dragonmont.

Several potential cusotmers were circling overhead. Some of them had swooped down and attempted to help themselves or taunted her screaming back,
"Oooh look its the LITTLE Goullawk!"

"Hey look its the girl who got banned from Dragonmont!"

Golid retorted loudly.

"Hey I've got Sara Lee Chocolate Cheesecake and it's defrosting ..."
Goldie paused to take a deep breath before she screamed,
" . . . and I've got Pavlova ... and Dwarf Wrought Gold Collars  ... and EMBROIDERED QUILTED EGG WARMERS from a Suzhou workshop and ..."

There was apparently a surfeit and surplus of gold collars and sweet treats but egg warmers were in demand!

Soon a few doting mothers descended and begun to inspect the goodies.

There was a brief tantrum of wing clattering and threats and tail spiking until one female dragon with steam emitting spikes drove off the others.

"Iski!" sqealed Goldie in delight,"You're in egg?! Oh I can godmother him or her! Sooo how come you're willing to defy the High Flight and get me up to Dragonmont."

"Hey I'm between books and you know me ...  me take orders from anyone unless I profit and most of the High Flight are BOYS! I can outfly them easily! So time for showing how splendid I am in flight. Flump into my harness dear and we'll be up up and away!"

There was a rumor that Dragonmont was situated on an actual world rather then being a dreaming place and that it was one occupied maybe even created by the Dragonoid equivalent of posthumans who had transcended physicality. The constellations moved. There were seasons and storms and cloudy skies to dive through yet sometimes the clouds took on dragon like shapes and had eyes. Ancient sometimes kindly sometimes angry but definitely non human eyes.

Iski and Goldie however were not thinking about that. Iski was trying to catch a thermal and rise up towards the summit of Dragonmont. Dragonmont was an enormous large island probably volcanic in origin though martian size volcanoes were not normally possible on Earth type planets. Especially not volcanoes with grottoes both natural and carved and a plentitude of hot and cold springs and cliffs to soar and glide off and wide ledges and caves for nesting and multiple rings of coral reefs swarming with fish of all sizes.

The lower slopes had villages of friendly biped species willing to groom dragons and make jewellery for them and some race had carved steps and ramps and roads spiralling up and through the mountain side. There were castles to explore and crystal towers and singing stones and a patrol of Guardians racing outwards towards Goldie and Iski.

"YOU!" roared the leader, "are banned from these august and blessed slopes!"

Iski roared back and then folded her wings and plummeted downwards and made a narrow escape into a cloud bank thickening into a storm. he headed inwards toward what would be the eye of the storm. Lightning was starting to flicker from cloud to cloud and dangerously close but Iski fearlessly caught a updraft towards the top of the clouds. The air was thin and dark above but the summit of Dragonmont was visible . As they exited the storm behind them the clouds briefly shifted to a face that winked and smiled  like a boddhisattva if a boddhisattva could be a Dragon.

Stars were visible at the summit of Dragonmont and vast ancient beings resting on the warm ashes that gently rose from an inner cone. Eyes opened to study Iski and Goldie even before Goldie called out to them.

"Hello everyone I'm back. Yes already and have I got news for you!
Some very naughty people are trying to re-arrange the multiverse again and they tried to delete Teckelstein! Isn't that just so bad?!

"A multiverse or any universe with less dachshunds mmmm?" grumbled one of the High Flight.

"Were you NOT told of being banned from this holy place?" hissed another.

A third one stood up and lumbering closer to Goldie and Iski and reached out with one limb in a manner that suggested he could easily and willingly flick Goldie off the summit with one extended claw.

Iski hissed inhaled and shook her ruff to its full extent and coiled her tail and hind parts around the Goullawk.

The Goullawk poked her head up over Iski's protective embrace and glanced at them like a parrot considering sidling along a cage bar to approach a treat.

"Well a fine way to greet a Lady this is!" she snapped.

Some one sniggered in a very unenlightened and vulgar manner.

"Has it occurred to any of you if Teckelstein goes this place might be the next target?" asked Goldie.

There was a brief chorus of hissing groaning and bellowings of denial and annoyment.

"Why is this a problem? We can defeat any fool who invades!" replied one.

Goldie squeezed out of Iski's coils and flumped over to him.

She stared up at the huge Elder and then turned around to look at the others.

"I live in Teckelstein when I' m not living adventures.
If Teckelstein goes then I'll need a new home.
I may be banned from Dragonmont but not the rest of this world ..."

"YET!" snapped another Dragon elder.

"and if Teckelstein goes I WILL move here!"

Some one made an odd choking noise so faint it was hard to tell if it was  a muffled sound of apprecation of the Goullakw's defiance or gagged horror at the prospect of Goldie taking up full time residence.

"And" continued the Goullawk, "I'll apply to join the council which means one of you will have to supervise my trials mmm?"

There was a brief silence while the Elders conferred telepathically.

"All right what do we have to do to get you back home!"


Goldie very smugly started reciting details and plans.

To be continued at the usual erratic pace sometime soon.

Next time maybe another look at Teckelstein.

Toil and Trouble and Time Machines.

Sassy and Goldie were trotting across through a section of the Node called the Gallifrey Memorial Garden when Sassy's future self appeared again.

"You're going the wrong way!" she snarled.

Sassy instinctively if impolitely barked back and Goldie coiled backwards and hissed.

The future self whined in exasperation sat down and used one back paw to pull out a note tucked in her collar.

"I got someone to write me a note. Here's a checklist of things I've done since I know how short some people's attention spans are!"

"Yes Sassy when chocolate's nearby your ..." interrupted Goldie.

"I was being VERY polite when I used an indefinite pronoun instead the word two!" grumbled future self Sassy, pointing her muzzle at a certain Goullawk.

"Number One obtain strap on time travel device."

"But we have Lady Zen Shipper!  ... has something happened to her?" asked Sassy.

"Number Two contact ALL the people listed on the back of this note.

Number Three release prisoners! by the way they have Jonahexed!

Number Four

 One wish is all it takes but apparently I willnt be the one making it according to the person who told me that

Number Five Watch out for people who look like  two middle aged hikers with English accents and a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara."

The paper with the list fell to the ground as Future Self Sassy either disappeared or imploded with a loud POP.

Sassy and Goldie sat there puzzled until Reg came out of sleath mode and descended to land next to them.

Reg came out of his taxi saw the list and started to read it and turned over and read the list on the other side.

"Well you two have work to do don't you?

There's an awful lot of dragons on this list Goldie?"

"WHY do I have to do the dragons!?" complained the the Goullawk swashing her tail and imperiously rising her head and spreading her crest.

Reg retorted with a list.

"Dragonoid being with scales. Who speaks several darkish lingos.
 Domineering personality. Dates other dragons. Dates outside her species.
Has one reluctant boyfriend who's a dragon mage.
Goes shopping with someone even more obsessed with bling with her for gold plated prosthetics for poor whassa his Gra ... "

"Gold is good!" hissed the Goullawk, " . . . so I helped Iski pick up out a commissioned piece of art work over in Ankh and Morpor ..."

"I thought you were banned from most of the dwarvish jewellers there?" asked Reg in a tone of almost malevolent innocence.

"I really don't need a trip to Longshan at the moment," hissed Goldie.

"It's Luau night there! You always try to get barbecue nights unless ... oh you haven't been banned again have you? OH Goldie what was it this time?" cried Sassy.

"er mmm er uh well I might have to apologize for both of us to a few people for pamphleteeering again on P.#.$.N." stated Goldie trying too obviously to be cool and nonchalant.

"OOOOH" sniggered Reg," You two been handing out copies of Workers of P.#.$.N UNITE AGAIN!"

Scribal note For some curious reason this song has NOT been widely distributed throughout Fandom.

 "Tunnel Hounds of P.#.$.N Unite
to regain your hearth Rights.

Who keeps the watch wherriess warm at Night
under the cold dread starlight?

who turns the spit for your steaks
who chases off tunnelsnakes ?

Who gets all the darn glory
who hogs most of the story?

who does the work down in the gloom
while dragonkin thru the skies zoom

workers of P.#.$. N. Unite
Regain your ancient right

tunnel hounds no longer ignore
or we'll gnash and smash and gnaw!

oops theres the sound oh so distinct
wonder why lizardies nearly went extinct?

Tunnel Hounds of P.#. $. N. Unite
Regain your ancient Hearth rights!"


"But its for the good of Teckelstein!" barked Sassy

"Er I forget to trim off Proudly Printed by Teckelsteins' Radicals and Rebels Workshop off the bottom" answered Goldie.

The dachshund groaned and slumped to the ground.

"Well ladies I need to get home for supper. You two better come with. Perhaps some of my friends and neighbours might have ideas?"

Meanwhile back in A real world.

There are several worlds universes continuums and dimensions that are (self) regarded as being the prime original source of the all the others.

For sanity and plotting sake I'll presume mine is real.

Anyway in A real world possibly this one a gracious cyborg was offering tea and biscuits to Doctor A who had dropped in on his way home from the office to his own residence further along the road.

"...and I've kept the tea leaves for you to feed the triffids. Are you still having trouble training the delivery people?"

"Well I did get the girls pruned just to be on the safe side but no they all know to leave things by the front door now" replied Dr. A

"So when will Reg be getting back? Do you mind if I watch the evening news here? I'vn't had a chance to finish unpacking the new plasma big screen."

"Oh I'm so looking forward to that!" responded HerInside.

Meanwhile at another REAL world Sassy and Goldie were inside the Cintamani Chapel reading the visitor's book. NO Goldie didnt get stomped by a giant robot it was a near miss though!

"Why are we doing this again if we already know we cant make a wish for three days?" asked Goldie.

"cos if there's not a proper time loop time may branch and guess who will probably have to make the timestreams converge again? "

"oooh that would be you and Jonahexed. You know how I am with physics and there's the whole lack of an opposable thumb thing," answered Goldie.

"ah here's the page with a copy of the wish ... oh Mr. L@$%^# what have you done! But why would that make Teckelstein fade out?" Oh I think we need to phone this and show the page to greater and more twisty minds than ours.

Meanwhile back on Another REAL World Dr. A was turning an interesting shade of pale under his usual public servant pallor as he and HerInside watched the Evening News.

"Another update on the global fan prank trend. Yes all across the world people presumably fans are dressing up as characters and attacking rioting or demonstrating in right or inside of authors home and publishing companies. Live from Ter.. "

Two elderly ladies dressed in dark clothing and holding broomsticks were standing in front of a cowering gibbering author  yelling at a mob consisting of dwarves, trolls, vampires and others, including a group of people who seemed to be wearing Roman armor but carrying police batons, and some very academic looking wizards.

"Clearoff you lot and go home. Leave the poor man alone!"

"And over in the USA there's a herd of angry white horses in the front yard of a certain noted fantasy author In Pasadena  geeks are running riot shouting Bazinga!  and  in New York the head office of a certain media ... well there's explosions screaming and a mob in costumes down in the street demanding friends and relatives be re-inserted into ..."

Dr.A changed the channel yet again.

"Live from Cardiff People are claiming to have seen pterodactyls and ghosts and just in we have footage on what has to be a fan prank a woman in Victorian clothing chasing the producers of Dah ....is she really shrieking  stop damaging my fresh paintwork...!?"

"Reports from Tokyo. Large balloons resembling Gozdilla and other movie monsters are drifting across the bay and are approaching the shoreline. Well we hope they're balloons?!

Meanwhile reports from the South Pacific of undersea volcanoes forming small isles with unusual speed and other odd activities around the Lord Howe rise and certain deep sea ridges ..."

"A publicity stunt or filming for a new War of the Worlds or H. G. Wells movie seems to have misfired literally with reports of explosions, a forest fire, and a replica of his Time Machine falling from the sky and blocking a major roadway ..."

"Scotland yard is under siege or would be if the several versions of Sherlock Holmes hadn't gotten into a fight in the car park. Meanwhile across  people claiming to be fictional detectives pathologists and consultants have showed up for work and taken over offices."

The TV showed a group that seemed to consist of Lord Peter Wimsey, Hercules Poiret, and a small child called Bertie who really should have been in Edinburgh.

Stay tuned for more mayhem and mischief with the Temporal Pests!

A Sensible Civil Sorcerer

Dr A@#$%^&* was enjoying a cup of Darjeeling when his phone rung.

He put down the catalogue of exotic plants he had been holding in his other hand and lifted up the old fashioned receiver. He refused to use a cell phone especially after that incident with the modified iphone and the extra paper work and meetings it had created.

"DR A I wonder if you could pop in after work?"

"AH Silver lady of course it would be a pleasure. Have you been ... baking?"

"Oh Dr A you know I always make extra in case friends drop in and this afternoon two very special friends did with information you might want. Is this line clear? Is anyone in your office? We may have a Code Sky is falling situation."

"Some one is planning an illegal crossover that will weaken or even fracture the zone between worlds?"

"Possibly worse. Sassy and Goldie came to afternoon tea, and No, they're N _ O _ T causing problems but they came because my darling Reg had to do an emergency pickup from L.A."

The Silver Lady also know as HerInside went on to describe in brief the day's events.

Dr A after listening to her account placed the phone down swore in Mongolian then Latin and a strange unhuman language and summoned the apprentice he referred to as young Robert to his office.

"CodexRedSkyDissolving" he uttered solemnly three times.

Young Robert shuddered and cringed. There were few things as scary as his boss' ability to pronounce capitalisation. Dr A's use of that ability indicated some of those few things were active and that he might have to work UNPAID overtime.

Yes It's A Trap Goldie!


Back in a certain city haunted by demons monsters wannabe actors and writers a peculiar being even by that city's standards was preparing for a painful change. She didn't believe in suffering to look fabulous but even Goldie accepted there was no way she could get to and into the open casting session advertised in the newspaper  for "Unusual People with Unusual Talents" as a Goullawk   nor would changing size work either. The sudden appearance of a 50 foot tall Dragonoid  tended to startle people as much as her usual appearance. She would have to use that spell one of her boyfriends Mr. BlackandSilver (Scribal hint: Translate it into Sindarin) taught her and change form as well. Walking on two legs wearing shoes was not pleasant but she'd had enough practise to do it with grace and style and a slight but sexy wobble.

A half an hour later inside the hotel several people were complaining about the strange noises that came from a certain room as persons of the hench folk variety watched a woman with purple hair and makeup and a short dress of metallic golden scales exited the hotel.

"Wow it worked! We got her out of the hotel and on her own!
The bosses will be so happy!

Back at the Node their bosses were indeed chortling their way through a cultural tradition laughing evilly between paragraphs sentences and phrases as they gloated about their plans in front of their prisoners, members of various Time Agencies, Patrols, Departments, and other organisations.

"This time Brethren sisters and other genders we win!

Our dark alliance has gained control and access over a primary node!

The gates between realities fictional mythic parallel and alternate are ALL opening!

We can reprogram and alter multiple universes split off timelines or loop them back and gain our heart's desires so evey one gets what they deserve!"

"Especially some of our writers!"

In one containment area prisoners were following the cultural tradition of whispering or using sign language or really obscure languages like Bundalung or Fur to communicate.

(Scribal notes Yes these are actual human languages!)

"Some one must have a sonic screwdriver or a multi tool or something shirley?"

"I have my ..."

Several people groaned at a Captain called Jack who was trying to catch the eye of a guard by smiling flirtatiously.

Elsewhere a certain Goullawk had begun to notice the local reality seemed to be rather plagued with cliches, particularly near her.  Pianos were rolling off trucks along with bananas, an unusually large number of pigeons were doing comedic deposits of droppings, and an ominous storm had appeared suddenly, and she'd only had to walk one block before she found an empty taxi to the studio, where the queue had suddenly shortened when a raid was made for former Australian soap actors who'd overstayed their visa.

The hench persons were watching her keenly.

They had carefully prepared the ultimate temptation.

An open door off the hallway to auditions showing a rehearsal room with a full orchestra and a percussion set  ... shiny bling  no Goullawk with musical delusions could resist. Goldie had musical ambitions. Unfortunately she also had a singing voice that to humans was disconcerting.

Then there was that thing that happened when she was around instruments unattended. She inevitably ended up literally entangled with whatever she tried to play. The Triangle. A Cello. A drum kit. And the unfortunate incident with the flute.

Goldie forced herself to stay in the line for registration and then was undone by a single statement.

"Feel free to wander around and look at everything or use the ladies while you're waiting for your name to be called Ms. Dragonides!"

That should had been a clue but the instinct to be dramatic coupled with curiosity overwhelmed reason and logic and Goldie nonchalantly circled backwards admiring photos on the wall towards that door. It was after all near the entry to the ladies room and another ... well just a little look thru the door at all that shiny musical bling ... just a look ...

Back at the hotel Sassy and Johahexed had returned from their shopping and seen the open paper with the ad circled lying on the bed.

"oh she wouldn't have ... she couldn't ... she promised1" moaned Sassy.

"Did we remember to include a time clause in her promise to stay in the hotel ... did we?" asked Jonahexed rhetorically as Sassy jumped off the door and charged out the door.

Goldie was in the doorway of the rehearsal door and walked slowly but in a very straight line towards the percussion section and all those shiny lovely music making tools. She sat down and picked up a drumstick. Hands with fingers did have certain advantages over fingerclaws and flippers with velcro like sections. She began to play slowly and delicately at first a section from Tubular Bells and then shifted tempos to some thing operatic and louder and faster. Her temporary hands flew over the instruments from xylophone to bells to triangles and drums and back again becoming a blur of motion and sound and her shape wavered.

She surrendered to the rhythm started a crescendo and the spell binding her to human form failed and then there was a loud crash as she fell off the seat and various instruments landed on top of her.

The hench persons entered the room with nets and a large Goullawk sized box chortling triumphantly and begun to perform the delicate procedure of unentangling a Goullawk while at the same time restraining and binding fingerclaws flippers and flukes.

Just as they finished turning Goldie into something that looked like a very bizarre decorative prop for a SMBD club a motorcycle with a dachshsund in a side car came racing into the room.

"Release that Goullawk" cried Sassy and JonaHexed in twofold harmony.

"and you're going to stop us how ?" snickered a henchman.

Jonahexed opened his coat to reveal interesting objects.

"Let's start with a semi sentient Shuriken I borrowed from a SF novel series!" he stated throwing that with one hand as the other raised a Original guess what Series Phaser set on Stun.

A very short time later they had Goldie half tied and balanced precariously in the side car as JonaHexed with Sassy posed on his lap raced through the studio grounds seeking an unguarded entrance. But Every single entry point was blocked with groups of hench persons smirking besides or behind barricades.

Jonahexed stopped the bike and drew his weapons as armored hench persons stalked closer and closer encircling them.

Sassy decided to try one last thing and screamed to the empty air.

"TAXI!"

JonaHexed joined her both of them calling out "Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!" both hoping their favorite Taxi driver wasn't busy elsewhere.

Lady Fortune was in a good mood and a black old fashioned London cab materialized next to them.

The door opened and a voice with a cheerful but odd cockney accent as spoken by someone using a voice synthesizer that sounded similar to those used by the BBC invited them on board!

"Wotcha ya waiting for?! All'Board Reg's Deluxe Taxi! Now!"



Next time join us for London Calling!

My apologies for this appearing more than a week after the previous post.

Domestic needs and projects cut into my "creative free " time over the Easter break.

Meanwhile in Teckelstein

Meanwhile in usually beautiful scenic Teckelstein the residents were not happy.

There was a howling blizzard on what should have been a lovely summer day.

There was none of the usual tourist trade from other realms and worst of all A.F. Teckelstein First Minister for just about Everything not had his morning saucer of hot chocolate milk.

A. F. was a magnificent example of European standard hunting Teckel with black and tan coloring and an tail best described as an elegant calligraphic whip wearing a monocle with a jewelled rim.

He was yelling at a speakerphone on his desk.

"What do you mean half the High Council disappeared and most of the rest can't make it through the storm.
Get some one with weather powers to make a tunnel or something.
Where's Leo or Mark?
Trapped in Chez Alfred?
Mark's wand isnt working and neither is Leo's gun?
The sky shield is cracking?
Yes I noticed that thank you!
Don't make me come down there and fix things myself!
And where are Sassy and Goldie?
Well them outside of the realm is always a mixed blessing.
We have more important problems!? Oh really!?
The first Dragon is what ... !!!
Oh Lieber Gott!"

A.F. walked away from the phone over to the windows.

A large statue of what appeared to be a warrior from the early Middle Ages wearing chain mail was acquiring icicles down in the courtyard.

Unfortunately the scales were dragon skin and the First Dragon had clearly had his shapeshifting abilities blocked half way during a change from his favorite human form to his full dragonish splendour.

"Okay now things are getting serious indeed" muttered A. F.

"Someone find my snowshoes" he barked in an imperative baritone.

Over in Chez Alfred unhappy customers were huddled around a fireplace fending off frost bite with mugs of hot chocolate or coffee or odder drinks. At a table nearby a man wearing a hood and a mask was glaring through snow googles at the innards of a gun and another was staring despairingly at a wand while a third was watching the mouth of a flame thrower that was thoroughly unfunctional.

"How the @#@$#%@@@4 can the laws of physics and magic be NOT working at the same @#@@#%$$ time?"

asked the man trying to fix his gun.

"Hey that was not a hypothetical science boys!" he snarled at the group near the fireplace.

"Dramatic cliches still work!" cried a phantom like stranger as he successfully forced the front door open.

"Whaaa that's not right you're not written to slam doors open!"

"Which means" declaimed the phantom like stranger in disconcertingly cheerful tones that were even more out of character for him, " some badass capitalist running dog imperialist overlord be doin' some heavy duty messin' with reality."

Everyone in the Chez Alfred stared at him ...

Several persons jaws almost dislocated as the phantom like stranger proceeded to do a rap routine.

This was disrupted by an anguished scream from the kitchen from the owner chef.

"Nooo the oven's stopped and I had souffle rising!"

Someone screamed "Its the end of the world!"

Others ran out into the storm preferring the risk of hypothermia to an irate chef.

A few more compassionate souls ventured into the kitchen to comfort the chef a distinguished and former British Intelligence agent.

(No not the double zero and a seven one. The one who works as a substitute parent for a family of neurotic bat theme obsessed acrobatic crime fighters)

"Yeah but what's happening outside our world?" asked a more or less mad scientist thoughtfully who was a refugee from Black Dragon spell it like the Tea Island.


Next time "Yes it's a trap Goldie!"

Temporal Pests - Brief Appearances

A Visit to Brief Appearances where we meet the Hexiled One.

There is a place of rest between worlds where discarded minor characters from various dream woven mythos can rest while waiting to be reshaped by some dreamer into new characters. It is a realm of shadows and mists and odd areas of unexpected solidity where mountains are islands and seas are drifting clouds. One of those areas was occupied with, perhaps even stabilised by, a building with a large walled garden surrounding it on three sides. The front of this structure seemed rather like a palace of several stories plus or minus floors and wings as required, and had a strange and unconstant variety and number of windows. It had a very grand entry way of ramps and steps in granite and marble, sweeping up to a columned portico, and yet more steps leading towards pleasantly inviting shadows. Over the doorway in very elegant dark bronze letters on a white gold metal plate were these words

BRIEF APPEARANCES

A RESIDENCE FOR MINOR CHARACTERS IN WAITING

Although there was no true morning in this realm, where sunlight shone by consensus, there was a cycle of lighting varying from room to room. At that moment, one of its rooms was receiving spring morning light softened by mist. It was a very masculine reading room with an aroma of liquor and leather. The floor where not polished marble was covered by animal hides from common and unco beasts, such as tigers and unicorns, great white apes and mere baboons, and weapons with stains and dents that suggested they had been used on far stranger things then those, adorned the walls.

There were also many comfortable yet manly chairs and in one of the deepest and coziest of these chairs reclined a young male. He had the sort of generic Middle European coloring that manifests as light brown hair, somewhat indefinite in color, and eyes that varied from green gray to dark brown. He was reading what seemed to be a newspaper, which despite its appearance of being printed on paper, was actually a holographic  display for downloaded reports from popular e-zines on the antics of various producers and actors. The young man’s name, which usually started with a Jay and an O at least, was, for the moment and quite a while, JonaHexed, since he was currently appearing in a series of parodies and satires. He was quite relaxed until he heard a powerful deep yet female voice ring out across the width of the reading room.

“YOO HOO! JonaHexed where are you? We need your help!” yodeled Sassy.

This was accompanied by affectionate greeting gargles from Goldie.

“Gaghgagrrrhak? Argellalahak! Argle?! YOOOooo!”

which translates roughly as

“Oh where are you JonaHexed Dear! AH is that dear boy? Guess who! Us!!!”

Several residents looked up from their reading material and glared at the spectacle of a talking dachshund and a Goullawk, who had chosen to ride on a skateboard painted gold and purple, instead of flumping across marble flooring in the hallways, entering their sanctuary. JonaHexed however pulled his legs and his head down and made a futile, desperate, and foolish attempt to hide behind his paper. However from somewhere near the ceiling a rainbow serpentine streak with wings descended and hovered over his head giving away his location.

“Thank You Dragonfly!” barked Sassy who then trotted over to JonaHexed’s chair and pulled on one trouser leg, then smiled up warmly at JonaHexed who slowly lowered his legs to the floor and his paper to a table, sighed, and asked, “What do you want NOW?” Goldie with surprising agility rolled her skateboard around and over the floor rugs and parked it alongside JonaHexed’s chair. Both of them leaped onto the broad padded arms of the chair while the Dragonfly descended onto his shoulders and did an excellent imitation of a piece of Art Deco glass statuary depicting a rainbow colored wyvern. Sassy delicately but firmly placed one paw on JonaHexed’s shoulder, stared at him soulfully and stated, “Well we seem to have a problem getting home. Teckelstein keeps fading in and out and trying to become unreal!”

“Teckelstein is unreal!” snarled another occupant of the room who had previous experiences with its citizenship, of the negative variety. A few others nodded their heads in surly agreement but some persons with a well developed sense of irony simply smiled knowingly. Sassy ignored that comment and went on describing the situation to JonaHexed who nodded now and then. He knew from watching other folk try that about the only ways to shut up Sassy, or most dachshunds, sentient or not, intent on making what they regarded as meaningful noise, for extended periods involve muzzling, duct tape, or sheer bribery, and never lasted long anyway. Goldie warbled a steady background warble of agreement as an accompaniment to everything Sassy said. Several residents left the room to complain about the noise, and those few who did understand Goullawk about the inane banal remarks.

Goullawk communication can best described as noises made by an organic rubber flute, involving a series of arglings, titterings, and buglings, with an occasional shriek, whistle, or honk and odder noises, at various pitches and frequencies ranging from the infra to the ultrasonic. Possibly only H.P. Lovecraft could have transcribed it even partly. It is one of the multi-verse’s stranger languages and being polytonal appears to have hurgle as a major vocabulary component. It is not a soothing language to listen to unless you are cetacean, or if not, really truly like wind instruments and ambient music!

JonaHexed’s probability deflecting power cut in and the residence management was mysteriously distracted by a fight in the cellar, caused by vampire residents from a recently cancelled TV Series, who had only just moved in, clashing with minors from an a erotic horror novel series. There were also several ongoing arguments loudly echoing up the stairways from the lower levels.

One group were arguing over redecorating the crypts and how weapon collections and trophies should be displayed on the walls. Sword play was involved and much name calling about combat techniques from the sidelines by European traditionalists who did not approve of hybrid Eurasian fighting styles. Another group was abusing the imperative and the subjunctive while exchanging demands about which fabric colors would match both blood stains and candle light. There was an intense discussion involved persons of several sexual orientations being extremely feline about other people’s taste in humans, blonde or brunette.

While this diversion was taking place, JonaHexed, Sassy, Goldie, and Junior left the reading room and quietly proceeded towards the main entrance hall. A nearby secondary atrium was full of Roman historical mystery characters orating about whose author knew the most Latin. The edge of that crowd mingled with another consisting of a group of people busily congratulating a character who had miraculously survived a whole season of being the love interest of a certain USAF major in a SF series without being killed, tortured, or exiled and lost in distant space, and was about to graduate to recurring character status.

 Wandering through this crowd and winding around their legs and other limbs was a small confused being with short satin smooth red fur, a manly calligraphic whip of a tail, powerful forelegs tapering to diamond shaped paws, and dark hound eyes. This elegant example of dachshund masculinity spotted Sassy and run over to her stopping a few paces away from her, hesitating as if confused yet intrigued by the sight of another dog.

“Hello I am Marcus Rubius Teggellus” he stated by way of introduction, “ and et  and que that’s all I know about myself. You seem to be a similar kind of being to myself. The first thing I remember is a white space and a voice saying my name and then I was here? Dear and elegant lady whether you are of my kindred or not could you explain to me where I am?”

“This is Brief Appearances!” replied Sassy, “and it sounds like our scribe or someone who loves dachshunds just thought of a minor character. Do you recall what fictionality you’re from?” asked Sassy.

“Lovely Domina,” responded Marcus, “I … ego sum … I seem to know … Linguam Latinam cognosco! and fortunately English too! This is the atrium of some kind of palatium or grand mansio of a powerful magister?” he asked, clearly confused.

“Oh dear we can’t take you to Teckelstein!” sighed Sassy, “You’ll have to have your birth orientation here! Where’s that Roman Terrier? Mistress Night are you here?”

A small terrier of very indistinct but vigorous breeding trotted over to them followed by a group of Roman children.

“Mistress Night could you introduce young Marcus here to the orientation committee? He’s new. I have to go save Teckelstein!”

Sassy glanced back at Marcus who called out to her as she and the others left.

“Can’t I come with you? What’s Teckelstein? Wait dear lady!”

A welcoming committee of fictional pets moved towards Marcus and Sassy took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand hoping she could meet Marcus again soon!

Temporal Pests - transit to trouble

TRANSIT TO TROUBLE

Things get worse for our mischievous duo.

Sassy was still trying to figure out what her doppelganger had meant as she and Goldie moved through a quantum tunnel back into the summery meadow on another world in which they had parked Lady Zen Shipper. The Lady’s external imaging currently had her looking like a statute of a pagan goddess sleeping on a large plinth.

The Dachshund and Dragonoid Duo trotted and flumped over to the outer door, pushed a carved symbol together, and entered their travel device. Goldie squealed with glee and leaped into a pool of water suspended midair from a cup shaped force field mounted from what was usually the roof as Sassy climbed onto the control cushion and pulled down the panel covering the interface board by using a handle designed to fit a canid mouth. She placed her front paws onto it and waited for the cognitive interface to lower onto her head and activate.

A richly modulated female voice responded,

 “Testing Pilot authorization. DNA print acknowledged.
C. von Teckel please indicate the program of your choice.”

“Single pilot control. Start navigation plan for return to Teckelstein.” barked Sassy.

If you had been outside and watching you would have seen the plinth and goddess disappear to be replaced by a large shimmering ovoid that begun to revolve and vibrate faster and faster until it seemed to lift off the ground and blink out at near light speed.

Inside the ship you would have heard a voice saying.

“Transit begins. Scanning for Primary Teckelstein Quantum Resonance Patterns. Secondary resonance detected. Scanning for Primary patterns. Scanning for Temporal Lock Beacon. Navigation Locking Error. Unable to Initiate Temporal Shift. Secondary patterns are fluctuating. Warning massive temporal shift! Warning use safety devices! Warning Timestorm detected. Warning massive temporal flux.”

Goldie shut down her antigravity swimming pool and dove down into a pile of cushions that re-arrranged themselves into padded straps.

Sassy voice-activated her own safety straps and asked their ship,

 “Lady Zen please try to scan for point of origin of Temporal disturbance. Try to scan for Teckelstein at a different timespace co-ordinate, Earth in the Middle Ages, or the future when part of Teckelstein was a space colony. We can always move back or forward once we have a spatial lock.”

“Scanning. Secondary resonances only. No co-ordinates matching recorded primary pattern. Secondary resonances fluctuating. Visual display Activating.”

Part of the wall of the control room became a large high definition flat screen showing one of many possible future Teckelsteins. All that could seen was a valley full of dying trees and ruined buildings, a wasteland, with a war machine lumbering through the ruins. The scan shifted to a possible past. A dragon with scales of a dark coppery and paws and muzzle reddened with blood was feasting on dead humans. Half melted medieval weaponry was scattered around the bodies. A smaller dragon was visible who seemed to have been ravaged by something’s claws and flame. It was struggling in vain to take flight with wings that looked like the same cruel something had maliciously tried to chew them off. In the distance a stone castle burnt with green flames.

Sassy whimpered as more and more scenes showing ever worsening scenarios presented themselves until there was only one left. A young European Bronze Age hunter had discovered the mountain-side cave of one of the last descendants of the hominoid people now known as Neanderthals and then as the Wild Folk of the Forest. The Neanderthaloid had a pack of canids with puppies, who were strange shaggy dwarvish things, like the hominid they shared a den with, not exactly hounds with short legs, or terriers, but something ancestral to both types of canids. The elderly hominid beckoned in a friendly manner to the younger human and presented a squirming tail-wagging pup, holding it up to him in one large hand as a gift of friendship. The young human looked at the strange creature who seemed to be half giant with his large deepset eyes, massive projecting nose, round chinless face, and equally massive shoulders and arms, and yet dwarvish and stunted below the waist line with shorter legs beginning to become withered from the effects of osteo-arthritis and other ailments.
"
“ … yes … ,” whispered Sassy anxiously, remembering her history classes, “You take the pup and offer your protection to the Spirit Walker of the Old Ones and he shows you how to align your fields and settlement to the local geoforces, the ley lines to create a Holy Earth Covering place."

 (*Teg is an ancient and honorable Indoeuropean Radical!)

Sassy yelped in horror as the human’s face darkened in a moment of fear and rage. She shuddered, watching as the Old One turned his back to him, bending over to offer him a cup of fresh spring water, and yelped in dismay as the human threw the pup at the cave wall, and attacked the Old One stabbing him in the back then spinning him around to slice his neck open.

Goldie squawked seeing the screen and Sassy’s reaction.

“That wasn’t suppose to happen was it?
Sassy you said he took the pup and made friends and that was the start of Teckelstein? Not that! Not …”

Lady Zen Shipper made an announcement.

“Secondary resonances stabilizing. We have a weak signal from the Primary Source. Timestream fluctuations are lessening. The Primary Source is … fading again. Temporal flux increasing. Probability of external temporal manipulation 89.4% and rising. Probability of deliberate attempt to alter Teckelstein’s Timeline 95.7% rising! Probability of Teckelstein stabilizing … still fluctuating!”

“There’s hope,” muttered Sassy.

Elsewhere there was laughter as a bunch of definitely evil and intentionally malicious beings capered around a large crystal and gleefully watched the image of a valley walled by snow capped mountains waver and flicker as the edges of its reality literally unravelled.

“See what did I tell you!” boasted one of them, “Teckelstein’s the ideal test object to see if we can use the node to alter histories across the multi-verse. It’s a small pocket universe currently anchored between several timelines and universes with regular links to them. No more annoying sentient dachshunds! Next we’ll remove their less sentient ancestors from the Prime Time Line and then we change the odds so we’re the Powers That Be and change things for our pleasure without having to worry about flash back syndrome. So whose lives do we ruin next?”

 A chorus of malicious suggestions commenced.

to be continued soon ... howsa bout some comments  readers?

Who are the Temporal Pests? 2016 reintro!

Shamelessly bumping intro to lure in new readers!

 This blog is the place to follow the adventures of the Temporal Pests Sassy and Goldie.

Sassy is from Teckelstein so she's an extra ordinary super sentient dachshund aristocrat from a pocket universe that can move throughout the multiverse and thru time and space.

Goldie is a Goullawk a refugee from fan fiction who's definitely a character.

I'm trying to arrange to have various pro artists do portraits of the girls but that requires MONEY so please use that Paypal tip jar and maybe suggest an artist too? Or support me via Patreon ?

Posts to this post will continue until I either find some one who wants to publish this as a print novel or ebook or comic or whatever.

Please move on to the next post and enjoy!

Temporal Pests Copyright Julie Vaux 2012