The past future and present crimes of the Temporal Pests

Earth 2 point something.

someone is smugly contemplating the damage his arrival has caused when a shrill greeting disrupts his revery.

"Hey stoneface howsait going!?"

Some one shudders.

Several hours later

" ... and blah blah blah "

Stoneface hisses  cos final letter of the greek abc doesnt work on Goullawks
" just eff off will you!"

"Oh I won the bet I made him swear ! "

Stoneface sobs

There are things even neogodlings dread and an afternoon spent with a Goullawk is one of them.

The Wizards of London

LONDON CHURNING
 and burning too!
and the resident wizards are not happy!

Sassy Goldie and Jonahexed had intended to park Lady Zen Shipper at the park at the end of Respite Street.
The street however was a smouldering ruin with fires still burning in some houses, others destroyed completely, and the surface of the street cracked and split with holes and impact craters.

"where are all the people?" cried Sassy, "oh no, Reg, Her, Dr. A!"

"One of those piles of rubble is moving?" Fluvia stated.

A metallic arm could be seen punching upwards moving rubble aside. Very soon a cyborg housewife wearing a charred frilly apron could been seen smashing rubble and heard screaming too.

"My garden! My garden!"

Reg was the next to emerge from the cellar moving over to the part of the rubble apparently covering his taxi and was using his levitators to bob up and down in a manner both erratic and irate.

"My taxi! My beautiful cab! OY! I just had her waxed polished last week! #$!@##@$#%$$@!"

JonaHexed pointed towards the centre of the city.

The ground was churning. Roads leading towards the city were rippling and cracking. Something was moving under the ground. The buildings of the city were moving too shaking and swaying. Tentacles were rising from the ground. Burning tentacles belonging to some being with a biochemistry allowing it to have a body temperature so high its touch burnt and melted everything around it.

The Subchthonic races were rising to the surface.

Squads of angry archaeozooic reptilians awakened from hibernation were also rampaging the streets along with survivors from buried alien shipwrecks and mole like people and pale skinned subterranean adapted hominids plus a light scattering of fast and slow swarms of zombies.

Directly below them other survivors were climbing up out of the ruins.

Dr A was amongst them and he was very unhappy with a look that could quall civil servants of several ranks. He was so angry he was actually visibly using magic. Fires were going out around him and frost forming on the ground immediately about him.

"Should we be worried that Dr. A might be going dark?" asked Fluvia.

"There's one than one Wizard in London," stated JonaHexed.

"So?" asked Fluvia.

"Yes there they are walking up the street towards us!" replied JonaHexed pointing at a group walking towards them. The group included a beraggled middle aged mage with what could only be called dirty blonde hair in a rather grotty trench coat who was smoking, the owner of a shop that was really more a storage unit for arcane items, and some clearly upper class individual with an air of authority in a very expensive but well kept older coat and suit. He had an apprentice with him a young man part West African in appearance but all Londoner.

The smoker stopped walking opened his mouth to speak and begun to his horror to cough and wheeze.

The others glared at him and one of them muttered cynically
" ... well that proves the Laws of Magic have changed his anti-lung damage spell has stopped working."

"I don't suppose ..." asked the authoritative looking man "Young Timothy or any of the Potters have shown up amongst this chaos or that fellow from Chicago or that New York based mage or any of the Merlins?"

"I am here!" snapped Dr. A giving them a look that could have turned Epping Forest into a barren polar waste.

"We're here too!" remarked Sassy with distracting cheeriness sensing a possible fight.

There was an equally distracting hissing noise in the distance as larges wave suddenly surged up out of the Thames and its tributaries putting out many of the fires in the city.

"ah the Ladies of the River have taken action!" remarked the man in the old but stylish overcoat.

"some one is going to pay for the damage to my triffid collection!" snarled Dr. A who was glaring at the ruins of his house and garden.

"AH" cooed fluvia using her most seductively dangerous tone of voice,"speaking about that perhaps you gentlemen would like to assist us ...?"

to be continued sooner or later

Milk and cookies and guns and goullawks

Milk and cookies


   . . .  and guns and goullawks

Sassy and Goldie had taken Lori Zee$%^&N back to Lady Zen Shipper and Fluvia Canta  was pouring Tea for all of them. Lori spotted the gun holstered to Fluvia's hip and asked about it.

"You have a gun?"

"Yes and it's dual action projectiles and energy beams!"

Fluvia pulled it out of her holster and placed it on the table.

" ... and it was hand crafted by ..." she paused to swat Goldie away from it. The Goullawk had been eyeing it with an acquisitive look and was slowly reaching towards it finger claws opening to grab it.

"You KNOW why you're not allowed near guns ...hand guns pistols rifles semi- automatics machine guns cannonry death rays ... and especially MY GUN!" scolded Fluvia picking it up.

Lori looked at both of them.

The goullawk was muttering to herself " ... but its shiny and pearly on the handles and blingy and ..."

"Is there a story? " asked Lori," and havnt I seen you on TV or somewhere with a different name?"

"Hush darling SPOILERS so hush and I'll tell you a story that demonstrated why responsible adults ONLY should have weapon licences and weapons should be in safe places when they're not in use.

"SHINY!" protested the Goullawk overwhelmed with dragonish instincts.

Fluvia holstered her gun reclined backwards with her cup of tea and begun the story in between elegant sips from her tea cup.

"Once upon a time I went to a gun show looking for something rumored to be a weapon from a lost and legendary world hoping those rumors might attract the attention of a very special GOOD MAN. This weapon was going to be auctioned or maybe stolen and legend had it that what it projected was a field that caused localized temporal flux effects. You could age or rejuvenate an object or person or speed up some thing slowing down or vice versa for a brief while."

"Was that when you met a very good doctor person who likes bow ties?" asked Sassy.

Lori was slowly working it out ... " time ... weapons ... good man ... doctor ... hey Fluvia's Latin for ..."

(Scribal Note What a pity so few judging from the visitor stats Whovians learn Latin?)

"Yes dear but tell me continue the story.

" A.F. Von Teckelstein was there too looking for weapons modified to be used by people who have paws and no opposable thumbs and he had brought along Sassy and Goldie to keep them out of trouble. I heard this gorgeous baritone voice saying

"Now you two will please stay here at the eatery and have that plate of cookies and biscuits and bowl of chocolate milk while I finish my transaction with the craftspersons ja!?"

I looked behind me and there was my dear friends Sassy and Goldie and .."

You disobeyed this A.F guy and went shopping?" interrupted Lori.

"No we were not misbehaving just sitting there quietly  eating drinking and gossipping when an alarm went off and we saw security run past and heard a canid life form growling. So we followed that sound and the security people.

The growling was being done by the DREADWOLVES from the Planet with Three and a Half Moons who looked like wolves standing on their hind legs but with really badly groomed fur and weapons holsters around their torsos and cyborg attachments in odd places not just over eyes and ears but lower down and ... and ... a tap where his ...er never mind ... they had taken hostages in the auction area and were demanding the time gun be given to them..."

"And they were holding my Uncle by his neck! He had tried to leapt up and attack them but they are very fast and grabbed him mid leap but he was still growling at them..." interrupted Sassy, "so I valiantly leaped into the fray and bite one of them and he kicked me and I landed ..."

"right next to the modified weapons A.F. had been trying to purchase whose display area was right next to the auction area, " continued Fluvia, " and Goldie flumped over to you looked around and saw the signs labelling the weapons.

"Which was Child Safe Voice Activated AI controlled Ethical Weaponry!" recalled Goldie gleefully.

"So what happened?" asked Lori.

"Someone" stated Fluvia, "decided to test that and we couldn't grab her in time. Sassy was concussed and I couldn't get past the security people!"

"It was awesome. They had an operator protective shield and I got up onto the control panel and activated it and quickly read the instructions and selected the EMERGENCY RANDOM FIRING PATTERN OPTION!"

The manufacturers claimed it was totally safe when operated by an responsible trained adult sentient and couldn't be used to hurt civilians and non combatants but some people ..." Fluvia stopped and looked at Goldie.

What had actually happened was that the AI ran an user authorization sequence.

"Query sentient adult?
Query legal ownership?
Query criminal record?
Query accept legal liability for all damages?"

Goldie of course answered YES to all the questions and selected the ERFPO and then a further option,

"MAXIMIZE FIRE POWER" "Thats what I yelled cried Goldie.

"The results," stated Fluvia resuming her narration, "were rockets and missiles and flares and flame throwers and stun rays and tranquillizer darts and absolute chaos and confusion for the next five minutes. No sentients were harmed tho some were slightly damaged and singed but lets just say that conference hall took some serious damage along with most of the weapons on display and then there was the damages and then after you got down off the weapon control you had accidentally blasted the display case for the time gun open and you rejuvenated the Dreadwolves and half the sales staff and there was a gun fight and more damage and eventually ... you're banned from using guns dear." finished Fluvia.

"But they made lots of lovely noise and they're shiny and things boom and I could learn to shoot straight!" wailed Goldie.

"Uncle A.F. had to use ALL his credit cards, the Bank of Dale, and the psychic paper one, and the Bank of Michel Delving, and we actually ran low on chocolate and other supplies to pay them all off and uncle was VERY VERY VERY unhappy!" stated Sassy.

"I had to sell off most of my hoard and jewellery and pearls and my golden Smaug collectible to pay off the damages for trying to be a hero!" wailed Goldie.

And that gentle readers is why the girls do not use guns and probably why you shouldn't either whether you want to use them for target shooting or to make a big noise or try to be a hero because even sentient sensible adults can have trouble with them and its usually them who have to fix the damage other people make.

Weaponry and Goullawks do not go well together as just as many dachshunds especially Teckelsteiners don't understand the meaning of fear Goullawks have trouble with the concept of concept and knowing when to hit the stop button.

So how are our girls going to stop evil dudes who love weaponry?

Hey this is a serial! I'm not telling you yet!

Let there be Ba#$

Let There be Ba#$s!

"So why do we need the boys to build a transstellar transport device that generates wormholes," asked JonaHexed, who hadn't been allowed to read the list yet?

"Something happens to Reg's Taxi but that's not for another hour," answered Sassy.

"But we have Lady Zen Shipper?" stated Jonahexed.

"Apparently building the gate allows a lost and forgotten character to return."

"So who's next," asked Fluvia, leaning closer to read down the list which Goldie was holding up in her mouth for Sassy to read," THEM? the little blue pests!"

No Dear Readers not the ones starting with S.

Meanwhile a memorial statue of a fuzzy elfish being in San Francisco was  surrounded by a horde or swarm of small blue beings all wailing,

"They killed Daddy B@#f! They killed Papa B@#f!"

"And Hewlett finally caught the last of us and banned us from the school grounds!" bewailed another holding an empty whiskey bottle.

Lady Zen Shipper appeared next to the normally invisible yet oddly never a hazard to aircraft or avians giant comatose alien.

"Look!" squealed one of the smarter Ba#$fs who instead of crying had been panhandling from tourists, "its the Dragon Queen and the Time Lady and the Teckel Princess!"


The Ba#$ stopped crying and swarmed over to the Girls.

"Hello boys!" barked Sassy, "wanna a job!"

To be continued in the usual erratic manner.

In the Oval office or somewhere near by.

"Well?"

"Definitely a crisis!
We have ten alien battle invasion fleets in orbit fortunately all currently fighting each other!
Ryleh has risen up out of the Pacific Ocean.
Godzilla is break dancing in Tokyo.
An island full of mutated people with unusual abilities has appeared off San Francisco.
The Deep Ones took a bus from Boston to Washington and are outside demanding Marine Hybrid rights lead by some one called Ramona.
K.A.O.S. now has an office in New York."

"and?"

The SHIELD helicarrier is now hovering near the Statue of Liberty.
Homeland Security and the CIA are having a collective hissy fit over that Sir."

"Afraid they'll lose funding?"

"Some possible good news Sir!
Drs.Richards, Pym, McCoy, Strange, Samson, Nemesis, and Savage, along with Larsen, are getting ready for a Skype conference with you."

"and the rest of the world?"

"Satellite photos show various islands phasing in and out off the East Coast, in the Black Sea, and the Caribbean, and the Scillies are bobbing up and down like a yoyo. The Brits and U.N.I.T are trying to find what's left of some specops group called Torch something and where Winston left the special phone that can call an freelancer specialist called the Doc and several mysterious previously  Lost cities have appeared in Tibet, Africa, and South America. Shoggoth have been spotted attacking the Japanese Whaling fleet and that town where they do things to dolphins and the HQs of various dolphin capture organizations.

Finally sir we found the Chocolate Phone."

"The one that rings Teckelstein?"

"That's not good news Sir. We tested it and all we're getting is out of order and this number is no longer available messages."

"Okay the Vaults at AREA 51? and do we have Vampire Agents now?"

They've escaped or gone on strike sir!"

"Do we have a head count of superheros yet?"

"They're all attacking the offices and studios of their creators Sir and we now have giant wolves and elves on the streets of  L.A. San Francisco and Poughkeepsie and Gargoyles in New York and there's more bad news Sir."

"Really?"

"Republican party representatives are driving towards Storybrooke Maine hoping to recruit that Mills woman."

"Where did my wife hide the cigarettes this time!"

Next time more dachshund and goullawk action !

LONDON CALLING!

Transdimensional devices can be larger inside than outside.

And also have doors that change size when you really need to move!.

A useful feature indeed when you have a human a dachshund and a motor bike with a side car plus a bundled up goullawk all trying to get thru a door as quickly as possible while the henchfolk outside are aiming weapons at them.

Inside at the front of the cab where the driver's seat should be was the mobile casing for a mutant cyborg.
 A sign hanging down from the ceiling advised passengers.

"DO NOT BE ALARMED!
YOUR DRIVER IS CALLED REG
(ALMOST) THE LAST DAWLLAWK
NOT A DA#$%!
REALLY!"

The driver turned an optical sensor towards his passengers in the back seat.

"SO ladies and gentlebeings where to?
I was heading home for afternoon tea myself!
HerInside is making Devonshire Tea !
Care to join us in a restorative cup?."

The passengers barked assented and in the case of a still muzzled Goldie mumbled thru McGyver standard duct tape as Reg deftly considering he only apparently had one external digit hit the accelerator triggered the inertial dampers and the cab took off through the skies heading eastwards at near light speed.

They passed a couple of UFOS three black ops sleath aircraft and a time bubble with some teenagers in it as they crossed the Atlantic Ocean and then veered south and moved to a lower altitude to avoid the temporal anomalies and stray pterodactyls near Cardiff.

Reg took the scenic route over the Weald and then circled up towards the Thames and descended to a quiet suburban street in Eastern London.

As they climbed out of the taxi onto the pavement a woman with a pram waved at them.

"'Ello Reg 'Avin' a good day!"

"The best!"
chortled Reg gliding towards his front door past a shrubbery of plants neatly trimmed into robot shapes.
 The door had a knocker featuring the head of the famous fembot from Metropolis.

"Cosplay excuse still working Reg?" asked Sassy.

"Well that, and half the residents on this street being werewolves, vampires, refugees from cancelled series, escapees or holiday rentals from book realms, and the perceptual filter fractals hidden in the paintwork, that  Dr A designed for us."

Reg called out to his spouse as his passengers sat down in the front parlour.

"Sweet silver and sugar your spice pot is home!"

"Tea's just reached the perfect pouring temperature dearest!
I've have the tea trolley there in a minute!
Did I hear Sassy come in with you?"

A tall slender being with a skin of flexible metallic silver mixed with armor and wearing a frilly apron, pushed a trolley loaded with a basket lined with a linen tea towel to keep scones warm, a English creamware teapot with steam rising from its spout, and a small bowl of strawberry conserve, into the room.

(Real strawberry conserve not some vaguely fruity gelatine pretending to be jam)

"Hello darlings you haven't dropped in on us for ages!"

Jonahexed was still trying to untape and tie Goldie.

HerInside glanced at this.

"I'lll just go and get my scissors and the Stanley knife shall I so Goldie can join us and some extra straws, yes?"

"That's my very practical darling!" stated Reg proudly.

A shirt while later after some lovely scissor work by HerInside Goldie and Reg were sipping tea thru straws into their orifices, Sassy was licking cream and jam off a scone, and Jonahexed was sticking out one finger at a time trying to remember which one you kept straight while drinking tea.

"Well ladies and friends why were people shooting at you this time?" asked Reg.

Jonahexed opened his mouth ready to go to explanatory mode but Sassy barked first.

"You know that node where ALL well nearly ALL the various Time patrols Agencies and Temporal Bureaus have offices well its been overrun by villains from their own universes and others, ALL of them at once! They're having a massive crossover collision crisis!
The oddest thing though," continued Sassy, "well I saw myself and she told me not to come back for three days?"

"UM" muttered Reg thoughtfully, "now the other day I was in one of the Book Realms picking up a fare and the passengers were talking about how a reset takes three days and they were going towards a node?!"

"So?" asked JonaHexed, " do we go back one day or forward two and half or what?

When exactly did they reset the node to lower the quantum thresholds between realities?"

"Who cares! I need someone to massage salve into the marks the duct tape left!" hissed Goldie.

"Then SO," continued JonaHexed who had a great fondness for  conjunctions , "are we going to do some sensible planning and get some expert advice or go looking for trouble?"

"Reg can you take us to the node?" asked Sassy.

JonaHexed moaned and HerInside thoughtfully passed him another scone and returned to the kitchen, calling out as she went,

"I'll just pack some lunches for you then!"

Later after they left Her Indoors with equal thoughtfulness and concern rang a London phone number, which was a direct line to the office of  the deeply scary sorcerer called Dr A******* .

(Yes an office which probably has a nickname starting with L. Probably?)

Join us later this week or next week for the the next part which I haven't even thought of a name of yet!

and think about using that paypal tip jar I have a birthday coming up!

Yes It's A Trap Goldie!


Back in a certain city haunted by demons monsters wannabe actors and writers a peculiar being even by that city's standards was preparing for a painful change. She didn't believe in suffering to look fabulous but even Goldie accepted there was no way she could get to and into the open casting session advertised in the newspaper  for "Unusual People with Unusual Talents" as a Goullawk   nor would changing size work either. The sudden appearance of a 50 foot tall Dragonoid  tended to startle people as much as her usual appearance. She would have to use that spell one of her boyfriends Mr. BlackandSilver (Scribal hint: Translate it into Sindarin) taught her and change form as well. Walking on two legs wearing shoes was not pleasant but she'd had enough practise to do it with grace and style and a slight but sexy wobble.

A half an hour later inside the hotel several people were complaining about the strange noises that came from a certain room as persons of the hench folk variety watched a woman with purple hair and makeup and a short dress of metallic golden scales exited the hotel.

"Wow it worked! We got her out of the hotel and on her own!
The bosses will be so happy!

Back at the Node their bosses were indeed chortling their way through a cultural tradition laughing evilly between paragraphs sentences and phrases as they gloated about their plans in front of their prisoners, members of various Time Agencies, Patrols, Departments, and other organisations.

"This time Brethren sisters and other genders we win!

Our dark alliance has gained control and access over a primary node!

The gates between realities fictional mythic parallel and alternate are ALL opening!

We can reprogram and alter multiple universes split off timelines or loop them back and gain our heart's desires so evey one gets what they deserve!"

"Especially some of our writers!"

In one containment area prisoners were following the cultural tradition of whispering or using sign language or really obscure languages like Bundalung or Fur to communicate.

(Scribal notes Yes these are actual human languages!)

"Some one must have a sonic screwdriver or a multi tool or something shirley?"

"I have my ..."

Several people groaned at a Captain called Jack who was trying to catch the eye of a guard by smiling flirtatiously.

Elsewhere a certain Goullawk had begun to notice the local reality seemed to be rather plagued with cliches, particularly near her.  Pianos were rolling off trucks along with bananas, an unusually large number of pigeons were doing comedic deposits of droppings, and an ominous storm had appeared suddenly, and she'd only had to walk one block before she found an empty taxi to the studio, where the queue had suddenly shortened when a raid was made for former Australian soap actors who'd overstayed their visa.

The hench persons were watching her keenly.

They had carefully prepared the ultimate temptation.

An open door off the hallway to auditions showing a rehearsal room with a full orchestra and a percussion set  ... shiny bling  no Goullawk with musical delusions could resist. Goldie had musical ambitions. Unfortunately she also had a singing voice that to humans was disconcerting.

Then there was that thing that happened when she was around instruments unattended. She inevitably ended up literally entangled with whatever she tried to play. The Triangle. A Cello. A drum kit. And the unfortunate incident with the flute.

Goldie forced herself to stay in the line for registration and then was undone by a single statement.

"Feel free to wander around and look at everything or use the ladies while you're waiting for your name to be called Ms. Dragonides!"

That should had been a clue but the instinct to be dramatic coupled with curiosity overwhelmed reason and logic and Goldie nonchalantly circled backwards admiring photos on the wall towards that door. It was after all near the entry to the ladies room and another ... well just a little look thru the door at all that shiny musical bling ... just a look ...

Back at the hotel Sassy and Johahexed had returned from their shopping and seen the open paper with the ad circled lying on the bed.

"oh she wouldn't have ... she couldn't ... she promised1" moaned Sassy.

"Did we remember to include a time clause in her promise to stay in the hotel ... did we?" asked Jonahexed rhetorically as Sassy jumped off the door and charged out the door.

Goldie was in the doorway of the rehearsal door and walked slowly but in a very straight line towards the percussion section and all those shiny lovely music making tools. She sat down and picked up a drumstick. Hands with fingers did have certain advantages over fingerclaws and flippers with velcro like sections. She began to play slowly and delicately at first a section from Tubular Bells and then shifted tempos to some thing operatic and louder and faster. Her temporary hands flew over the instruments from xylophone to bells to triangles and drums and back again becoming a blur of motion and sound and her shape wavered.

She surrendered to the rhythm started a crescendo and the spell binding her to human form failed and then there was a loud crash as she fell off the seat and various instruments landed on top of her.

The hench persons entered the room with nets and a large Goullawk sized box chortling triumphantly and begun to perform the delicate procedure of unentangling a Goullawk while at the same time restraining and binding fingerclaws flippers and flukes.

Just as they finished turning Goldie into something that looked like a very bizarre decorative prop for a SMBD club a motorcycle with a dachshsund in a side car came racing into the room.

"Release that Goullawk" cried Sassy and JonaHexed in twofold harmony.

"and you're going to stop us how ?" snickered a henchman.

Jonahexed opened his coat to reveal interesting objects.

"Let's start with a semi sentient Shuriken I borrowed from a SF novel series!" he stated throwing that with one hand as the other raised a Original guess what Series Phaser set on Stun.

A very short time later they had Goldie half tied and balanced precariously in the side car as JonaHexed with Sassy posed on his lap raced through the studio grounds seeking an unguarded entrance. But Every single entry point was blocked with groups of hench persons smirking besides or behind barricades.

Jonahexed stopped the bike and drew his weapons as armored hench persons stalked closer and closer encircling them.

Sassy decided to try one last thing and screamed to the empty air.

"TAXI!"

JonaHexed joined her both of them calling out "Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!" both hoping their favorite Taxi driver wasn't busy elsewhere.

Lady Fortune was in a good mood and a black old fashioned London cab materialized next to them.

The door opened and a voice with a cheerful but odd cockney accent as spoken by someone using a voice synthesizer that sounded similar to those used by the BBC invited them on board!

"Wotcha ya waiting for?! All'Board Reg's Deluxe Taxi! Now!"



Next time join us for London Calling!

My apologies for this appearing more than a week after the previous post.

Domestic needs and projects cut into my "creative free " time over the Easter break.