Hints for Grant Ward

Apparently next week if you're a US viewer lucky people sob
  #GrantWard of #AgentsofShield will be having some very special family fun time with his brother Satan er Xtian er well he's an evil Republican senator so here are some suggestions for things they can do together.

1)Throw Xtian into the boot of your car along with a phone set on speaker and as you drive sing into your phone to the tune of 10 Green bottles on a wall

10 MORE MILES TO THE WELL

2) He's a Republican Senator

tie him up and make him watch his own mid term advertising  several hundred times

3) He's a Republican Senator

You tube clips of Obama talking and smiling and being happy !

4) Tell him you're going to visit the last of your SHIELD and HYDRA emergency caches and donate to whoever his Democrat opponent is

5) He's a Republican Senator.

Give him some drug that temporarily blocks him from speaking dress him as a homeless person or remove all his ID and then leave him at a public hospital emergency room with a note taped to his clothing.

"I voted against Affordable Healthcare and extra funding for homeless vets!"

I do wonder what the script writers will come up with?

Ward Wolf

#fanfic

I just got a delivery of some memos from someone's desk.

Director C&*#$% to All Staff

The Smoked Salmon is missing again!
I refuse to believe it was stolen by a talking dachshund.
There is NO such thing as a dimensional hopping sentient dachshund!

The pawprints leading to Vault D were NOT Funny.

When I'm on the subject of Vault D there is no truth to the claim Agent Skype walks "the monster from the vault" on a leash when there's a full moon.

I also want to speak to the person who smuggled a chocolate labrador Retriever onto the base. It is currently in my office trying to be friendly and wears a tag with the name "Buddy". Not funny!

Director C@#$%^# to all agents.

There is now a shoot on sight authorization for anyone entering food storage without written authorization. My clearance level has its privileges. Smoked salmon is one of them.

While I was off consulting with that Doctor from UNIT someone graffitied these words  on my office wall ...It's KREE! No spray paint is to be removed from the machine shop without authorization. Also why is there a copy of something called the Guide to the Marvel on my desk? We all know there are NO mutants or hidden cities in the Himalayas! Really People!

Director C#$%&*@ to All Staff

Wardwolf has escaped.
 More importantly my smoked salmon is still going missing!
And that chocolate labrador is still on base!
It is drooling at my plate of cookies!
I want that dog off base and the salmon returned or a locker search will be made!

Have I mentioned Goullawks and Teckelsteiners love salmon?

"DAD SKILLS"

Fans of a certain  Cardiff produced TV program have noticed after a major tiff a certain English teacher changed her mind about a certain Traveller the next episode.

Someone apparently improved or had a refresher for their "dad skills" .

Others of you may remember a certain fan joke about Coulson referring to using the services of one of UNIT's consultants.


MMM

We now bring you yet another irresponsible piece of cross genre fanfic!

The office of a certain Director. All is quiet. The sound proofing is muffling the the howling from the basement. The damaged Brit is sharing the Xbox with a friend. The girls are practising on the target range. The Director is watching ballroom dancing videos on youtube.
Cloenig is on the phone with ... how many brothers does he have?


Suddenly a familiar noise fills the air and a large six sided object with doors on one side appears and a frantic figure leaps through the doors and bounds towards the Director's desk.

"You! You! You have to help me!" he screams in a mildly Glasgow Scots accent.

"How did you find this location!" snaps the Director.

"Oh I used to work for UNIT and my sort of maybe not yet dead wife goes shopping with a dragonoid and a dachshund who apparently know someone who "Ships" for some one ... was it Granite or Warden ... look I'll pay ... I'll give you my phone number!"

"Are you a certain xenobiology expert?" asks the Director.

"Yes! Yes thats me and I need a refresher in dad skills. My girl is being impossible! ... and I'll buy you a FULL tank of fuel for your AIRBUS!"

"DONE!"

Some time later his pupil having left the Director is sitting at his desk typing up class notes having had a bright idea for a best selling DIY book to raise funds!

DAD SKILLS
BOSS SKILLS
by Fil Martini

Lesson One Share and cook family meals!
Includes my recipe for kale and steak !

Is there any chance Whedon is reading this?

Come on humor include at least one reference to that British consultant!

A Taste of Temporal Pests

A Taste of Temporal Pests.

Temporal Pests invites you to check out older posts while  I am editing and finishing another project. !

Expect more bumping!

Temporal Pe(s)ts are ...

Temporal Pests is a shamelessly self indulgent piece of fan fic ... well we better hope its fan fic. Fictional characters don't really have adventures between the frames and pages ... do they ... reality doesn't really edit alter and reset ... there is no such thing as sentient dachshunds or dragonoids ... really?

Time is Loopy Two

Inside the now crowded control room people were franticly working on two projects, adjusting a Vortex Manipulator to be worn by a small hound and trying to create a multi-dimensional mailing list. People were of course arguing over who to invite or plea for help and whether to make a special harness or just duct tape the device to Sassy. Closer to the door Wolowiz was creating barricades of transuranic metals, synthetic diamond walls, and nanoclouds that could eat armor,  and anything that might slow down the inevitable collapse of even a door made of unobtanium which was being to crack.

Meanwhile on this world your Scribe is struggling with a broken arm. How typing with one finger of the other arm can cause twinges in the damaged arm  is an annoying mystery.

The door shuddered and shook into a million tiny pieces as the send message command was entered and a dachshund disappeared as Fluvia triggered the Manipulator with one hand while drawing one of her guns with the other.

She had probably just started or closed  a temporal loop.

To be continued next week after I find out what physio I need for my right arm.
Hey I type with my left but the twinges and aches are kinda very distracting?

Time is Loopy

My right arm is broken so  a cut and paste job !

Time is Loopy ! Part One
in which the Scribe attempts to start sorting out the plot line disruptions caused by all those reality resets cosmic convergences and temporal loops etc

Previously on Temporal Pests ...

Future Sassy appeared twice to past and present Sassy

and that list mysteriously altered too ...

First Appearance ...


Sounds of violence begun to boom, and the hiss of energy beams forcing subatomic particles to change orbits could be heard, and sonic blasters zinging against walls, along with the screams of injured or angry beings. Midst all this chaos, riot,and mayhem, a small dog came sashaying up the corridor towards them.

“Hey that’s me!” barked Sassy.

 “Blahargh???” responded Goldie, stretching her head towards the door and fanning out both ear fins in bewilderment. The small figure walked over to a console, stretched up and placed its forepaws on a button, and the force field holding them back disappeared.

Sassy started towards her doppelganger.

“Don’t get too close! There’ll be temporal flashback if you do!” cried out her mirror image.

 “You are me!” cried Sassy, “How?”

“Look it’s going to take you about three days to figure out why we’re both here but its not a closed temporal loop yet, but it will be a crossover if we get this right! Hurry up and escape out of here and get help! Certain forces of evil and various villians are attempting to take over this node so they can rewrite their personal histories! Make sure you ask for help BEFORE you come back here. Tara told me so! The Buddhist one! And the help has to arrive three days from now or it can’t get here! Hurry!”

Sassy’s temporal doppelganger turned and raced away from them.


Appearance Two


The parking area at the node was curiously empty expect for one small figure, a cylindrically orientated canid with short legs and red scorched fur on one side that had been burnt very recently.

"Oh dear that's me again!" yelped Sassy.

"Look here I told you NOT to come back for three days well two and a bit or is that one and a half now?
Honestly if you cant trust meself who can you?" retorted herself.

Reg made a strange wheezing noise suspicously like suppressed laughter.

JonaHexed studiously avoided eye contact with Sassy, and Goldie blurted out in a huff,

"Well I say, surely you can trust me ... most of the time ... if I'm not near temptation and bling ... and then there  was that time I went shopping with Selina ... but of course you can trust me!"

"I have to go get some rest before the climactic scene or resolution or whatever happens next," sighed future Sassy,"Don't forget to come back and warn yourself and oh temporal loop timeline tip! Grab a Vortex manipulator if you have a chance to!"

She faded out like a Chesire Cat with one limb at a time disconcertingly slowly dissolving.

Appearance Three


Sassy and Goldie were trotting across through a section of the Node called the Gallifrey Memorial Garden when Sassy's future self appeared again.

"You're going the wrong way!" she snarled.

Sassy instinctively if impolitely barked back and Goldie coiled backwards and hissed.

The future self whined in exsperation sat down and used one back paw to pull out a note tucked in her collar.

"I got someone to write me a note. Here's a checklist of things I've done since I know how short some people's attention spans are!"

"Yes Sassy when chocolate's nearby your ..." interrupted Goldie.


"I was being VERY polite when I used an indefinite pronoun instead the word two!" grumbled future self Sassy, pointing her muzzle at a certain Goullawk.

Now a problem the girls havnt solved yet  ...


Sassy had picked up Goldie from Dragonmont and aboard Lady Zen Shipper they and Fluvia were discussing how to get hold of a Vortex Manipulator.
Fluvia's would not work for a Teckelsteiner unless she was carrying Sassy and future self Sassy clearly had been travelling on her own and the list she had given them clearly said get your own Vortex manipulator.

Unfortunately that required uptime travel which apparently had stopped working shortly after they fetched Fluvia since an attempt to visit the century in her universe in which time travel was discovered had lead only to Lady Zen Shipper repeatedly materializing on a rocky desert island with a large sign saying ALL UP TIME TRAVEL BANNED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE BY THE AUTHORITY OF THE ..... we'll spare you the bureaucratese.

An Introduction to some of our Characters in Temporal Pests

#Temporal Pests are mostly a satire or parody or #fantasy or whatever you want to call it of all those cosmic crisises and convergences and crossovers. You'll encounter some familiar characters from a variety of genres.

Sassy a sentient dachshund from Teckelstein who with Goldie first appeared in a fanfic satire about a scifi program popular at the time and now defunct.

Goldie the Goullawk Queen. Like her friend Sassy she's escaped from fanfic and rampages across realities. I told you I'm just the scribe.

JonaHexed. Now who could he be? He sometimes has adventures with the girls because so long as he has a few readers he will not fade into oblivion. Fortunately he was written to be lucky!

Fluvia Canta. I guess not enough fans of a certain show know Latin. A gun slinging archaeologist with some interesting boyfriends and a spouse who's out of this world.  Then again her boyfriends are her spouse. She likes to go shopping with the girls and other fun activities like escaping prisons and shooting people who really do serve to be shoot.

Reg London's only  Dallawk taxi cab driver and yes it is a traditional black cab with a few extras under the bonnet. Yes Reg does resemble a certain type of mutant cyborg he has a heart of gold and a spouse who wears silver and steel.

HerInside likes to garden and cook and wears a frilly pinafore or apron to make it quite clear despite her outer form she's a lady inside.

The Wizards of London. That guy form Chicago said he was too busy.

However other people from London apart from a certain cynical chain smoker have magical powers including Young Robert apprentice to Dr A.

Yes Young Robert and Dr A do work in an occult clean up service.

The Technical Support crew from Pasadena. I have to explain this one?

Ron and Jack
Scholarly saints aiding our girls behind the scenes.
One was once a Catholic the other once a Protestant and both were famous writers.

Various dragons. One of these days some one is figuring to figure out who Mr BlackandSilver is however perhaps thankfully not everyone knows Sindarin or thought about the name of a certain character in a certain series.

Finally Teckelstein. Basically a large chunk of land including a lake islands surrounding mountains once allegedly part of Central Europe and now a planetoid with fusion ramjet and other drives plus dimension jumping devices and much more and a population of dachshunds and characters either taking a vacation or recovering from what their writers do to them in between issues episodes and novels.

Come and join us at Temporal Pests. The plot and the narrative are a bit of muddle but thats probably due to the temporal backlash from the girls reality altering adventures.

Finally a Battle

Finally a Battle Scene.

Well almost there!

"Okay people final checklist!

Do we have ...


Guns that look so heavy you should fall over trying to pick one up.

Assorted swords knifes and artifacts techno and magical.

Wizards. Dragons. Witches.

A half horse and a Horde of Lost girls.

People from Pasadena for technical and other support.

Dodos and a whole family of people comfortable with the idea of them being fictional and real at the same time.

A vortex manipulator adjusted to fit a Dachshund.

Londons finest Immigrant Taxi driver and his cyborg wife.

Space people and ..."

"Oi oi oy am I too late?" shouted a ginger headed woman leaping out of a car driven by her grandfather.

Yes gentle readers due to the cosmic crisis a certain ginger Donna's not dim any more and can be doctorish without her brain exploding.

The Doctorish Donna has returned!

"Do we have a battle plan though?" asked a character,"we're out gunned out powered and outnumbered by villianry and henchfolk?"

"We're the heroes restoring balance to the multiverse of course we win!" barked sassy confidently.

Another character made a dark inquiry.

"Don't these cosmic resets usually require a tragic sacrifice or great loss of some one?"

"You'ld be surprised what you can lose and still survive and love," responded Fluvia somewhat grimly.

JonaHexed looked at fluvia and asked,

"There's this rumor you're been talking to your future self ..."

"Oh that rumor that my future self gets uploaded into a planet sized AI and that with that much power I could maybe transcend time and space ... just a rumor!" smirked Fluvia.

(Scribal note you have figured out who fluvia is by now gentle readers?)

"Yes well do we have a battle plan?"

"Teamwork just like in WOW!" shouted one of the People from Pasadena.

"Seriously we need a plan!"

"Okay" stated D.E.M. "We go to the Node kick butt majorly and sieze control of the Node and put everything back the way it was!"

"We could make things better?" some one asked wistfully.

"lets just finish loading and up up and away!" barked Sassy.

Gentle readers if you've dropped in the Node is one of those places outside our universe from which one can access and even alter several parts of the Multiverse. The technology or device for doing this is called a Cintamani in Sanksrit. Think Wishing Jewel Psionic Amplifier Laran Stone Infinity Gem Cosmic Crystal Cubic thingies ... getting the idea?

A leading Villian Mr L tired of all the endless reality resets along with a few dozen of his friends and frenemies and allies has over run the Node and made a wish that caused realities and fictionalities to converge with our reality.

Sitcom characters and superheroes and a few antiheroic types who normally deal with these crises this time are aware they have artists and authors and are harassing their creators instead of trying to fix the crisis.

Example this battle via Skype.

Two familiar faces of consulting detectives are screaming at each other via their computer monitors

"I'm the REAL Sher ...

Meanwhile in the background two Doctors with the same family name but differing ethncities are conversing via their mobiles

"Sooo in this new reality we have the same great grand parent and one of his children went to Hong Kong and the other stayed in Britain and ..."

Who's left to fix things ? Sassy a sentient dachshund and Goldie a Dragonoid and an assortment of characters.

Lady Zen Shipper took off from Respite Street heading for a battle even more deadly than that between two massive yet immature egos with giant intellects and an emotional age not particularly adult.

The Node seemed curiously empty. Lady Zen landed facing the Cintamani Shrine which seemed to rise unguarded from a field of grass like growths surrounded by a forest of trees.

There was however a large slab of crystal nearby displaying a map of the current configuration of the Node.

Princess Amy of the Apes was Invisible again and wandered over to the crystal. She touched it just to see what would happen and a path appeared in red from the Node to a spot marked Gate Control and Your true love is here!"

Amy of the Apes briefly shifted into Princess Mode,became visible,  picked up her skirts and begun to ran. The Pasadena People followed her.

"Hey wait you're our tech support don't run off!" screamed Jonahexed.

And that of course was when the giant robots appeared.

Sentinels Battle Suits Iron Giants Computos dropped their cloaking fileds and moved to surround Lady Zen Shipper. Evil cyborgs droids robots nanoswarms and other synthetic beings raced towards them.

The Wizards of London raised a shield over our valiant minority.

Then to add to their problems several infamous sorcerers necromancers wizards dark mages and wicked witches along with their minions familiars and pet demons and monsters joined the forces arrayed against them.

"Come moving forward everyone!" shouted DEM slashing at a tentacled montrosity while JonaHexed blasted a group of minor rock demons with fragmentation rounds and Fluvia fired her guns. The equine person was using a vintage machine pistol. The Lost Girls were using swords nunchakus, and winsomely sweet innocent smiles that caused several people to have to stop and throw up. The dodos were running around in chaotic circles plocking and confusing the villians who couldn't decide each one to shoot first. The people from Swindon employed a wide variety of weaponry they'd collected over the years and then ... it happened.

Goldie raced ahead on her rocket sled beyond the wizards' shields just as a giant robot foot slammed to the ground.

There  was a large deep footprint and no sign of the Goullawk.

"Keep moving!" shrieked DEM grabbing Sassy by her collar as she tried to reach the hole in the ground.

To be continued.

Do Goullawks really have a high body density best compared to rubber?

Will Amy of the Apes find her lost love and receive true Love's kiss.

Where are those backup dragons?

And why haven't the forces of Teckelstein arrived yet?

Questions to be answered some time in the future.














 

A Really Long List

A Really Long List and Slighter longer than usual Chapter Too

Sassy and Goldie were surrounded by the Lost girls and Goldie whispered to her.

"question we had to look for a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara and look for girls listed on the back of your future self note right?  so how many girls do we need? ?"

"Let me look at that list again .." whispered Sassy back.

Sassy looked up at Fluvia who had the list tucked into her belt.

"Fluvia we need to double check the list.

Sassy frowned as she squinted at it. Dachshund eyes weren't the best at reading print.

"Yes it definitely says a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara."

"SO it could also been any of the lost girls here?" pointed out Fluvia.

"So we just take as many of them as want to come with us?" pondered Sassy.

"if we can get them to stop playing with Goldie." stated Fluvia studying the Goullawk who in the few seconds they'd stopped looking at her to read the list had flumped over to a water slide and was shrieking gleefully as she was pushed down it by a gang of small girls.

Fluvia took another look at the list and asked Sassy,

"Whoever wrote on the back of this wasn't me and managed to crowd a really long list onto the back of this note. Are we going to be able to find and recruit all these people over the next day and get back to the Node?"

"Who's still on the list? Let's see ... mmm why does Number Five say Watch out for people who look like two middle aged hikers with English accents and a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara. Together?"

"Oh that!" said Fluvia,"that's not my handwriting either but it looks like someone was just trying to fit everything on one side of the page. Look the and is & an ampersand to save space  or is it a blurred six?"

"Er Fluvia if you didn't write this for me who did?" asked Sassy.

"That hand writing looks vaguely familiar ..." murmured fluvia.

"mmm can I interrupt?" asked Lena, "I was almost going to be called Tara as a middle name in one of my previous appearances."

"oh ooo, you poor child!" exclaimed fluvia, "that means you're a pivotal plot device or destiny point some time in the future."

"Probably confronting my brother slash father slash nearest male relative..." whispered Lena sadly, "I've been good and ashamed and sad and I've been bad and treacherous yet obedient and mad and now I'm a Lost girl but I wish I was a real girl! I want to go shopping and eat ice cream that does not taste like clouds or candy and share a packet of fish and chips walking along a beach and ... and ... have a boyfriend!" she sobbed. Several of the other Lost Girls nearby begun to cry too.

Donna glared at them.

"All right I'll see if I cam remember my armor into existence!

But when this is over I'm back here. I had a life and lost it over and over again pulled in an dout of various realities and then discarded tossed aside like a broken puppet."

Back in one of those realities intresting events were taking place on a certain farm in the Mid West as some one's current girl friend had brought her mother along for afternoon tea and coffee but someone's on and off spuse lover and girl friend was there too. Some one was out in the barn feeding the horses carrots cringing as the females in his extended family held a meeting. He thought he had heard the word with his super hearing polyamory being used inside the house.

Elsewhere the chaos grew worse as various dreamings alternate realities and parallel universes continued to merge together. Nantucket island had a rainbow dome forming over it echoing a fictional event.

 A megalomanic wearing Norman armor was leading a charge of knights through the streets of Portland.

 A large floating rock with a city on top of it was manifesting over the corn fields of Oklahoma.

Lord Greystoke had announced he was running in the Kenyan elections.

Australia's forests and rivers now really did have dropbears and bunyips to the dismay of tourists and locals harassed by  yowies who were begging for junk food and sweets.

A certain local actor nearly had a heart attack when his most famous character appeared and approached him in his favorite lunch spot loudly shrieking "Hello Possum!"

All this converging stress though was causing dormant volcanoes to show signs of erupting and causing out of season snow storms tornadoes hurricanes flooding and wild fires. This of course was keeping all the fictional heroes who had suddenly become real so busy helping or avoiding police fans and journalists that they had no time to arrange the usual problem solving grand on masse  meeting.


Evil also had a long list of people. People to do things to.

In an palazzo converted to holiday apartments in Venice a couple was breakfasting on a garden terrace. Slinky and Batsy has spent the last two days with the radio and tv turned off and unplugged and their phones and other tech toys locked in a safe. The only phone in the room was for room service. Newspaper deliveries had been cancelled. They were currently sharing a croissant and other breakfast pastries and were dressed for working on their tans and each other.

This happy state of affairs of course could not last along and just as they finished breakfast and started other activities the downdraft from a descending helicopter interrupted them. A woman slide down a rope from it onto the terrace. Batsy shuddered. It was the mother of his brat.

"Ta tah ah mmm what are you doing here?" asked Batsy. Slinky narrowed here eyes and hissed at her.

The Ghoul's Daughter  merely smiled at them and stood there for a moment doing a sphinx impression.
Then she passed over a phone.

"Read your voice mail."

"Hello Master Batsy. We have a Red Sky Falling situation again and this time I was trapped in Teckelstein so I could not get in touch with you earlier. I can't get back to the Batcave."

"By the way," added The ghoul's Daughter," I also told the paparazzi you were in this hotel."

For a brief few seconds Batsy and Slinky looked like they wanted to cry or scream or smash something then they glared at and stomped back into the apartment to pack.

Vacation time was definitely over.


 
















A Really Long List and Slighter longer than usual Chapter Too

Sassy and Goldie were surrounded by the Lost girls and Goldie whispered to her.

"question we had to look for a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara and look for girls listed on the back of your future self note right?  so how many girls do we need? ?"

"Let me look at that list again .." whispered Sassy back.

Sassy looked up at Fluvia who had the list tucked into her belt.

"Fluvia we need to double check the list.

Sassy frowned as she squinted at it. Dachshund eyes weren't the best at reading print.

"Yes it definitely says a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara."

"SO it could also been any of the lost girls here?" pointed out Fluvia.

"So we just take as many of them as want to come with us?" pondered Sassy.

"if we can get them to stop playing with Goldie." stated Fluvia studying the Goullawk who in the few seconds they'd stopped looking at her to read the list had flumped over to a water slide and was shrieking gleefully as she was pushed down it by a gang of small girls.

Fluvia took another look at the list and asked Sassy,

"Whoever wrote on the back of this wasn't me and managed to crowd a really long list onto the back of this note. Are we going to be able to find and recruit all these people over the next day and get back to the Node?"

"Who's still on the list? Let's see ... mmm why does Number Five say Watch out for people who look like two middle aged hikers with English accents and a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara. Together?"

"Oh that!" said Fluvia,"that's not my handwriting either but it looks like someone was just trying to fit everything on one side of the page. Look the and is & an ampersand to save space  or is it a blurred six?"

"Er Fluvia if you didn't write this for me who did?" asked Sassy.

"That hand writing looks vaguely familiar ..." murmured fluvia.

"mmm can I interrupt?" asked Lena, "I was almost going to be called Tara as a middle name in one of my previous appearances."

"oh ooo, you poor child!" exclaimed fluvia, "that means you're a pivotal plot device or destiny point some time in the future."

"Probably confronting my brother slash father slash nearest male relative..." whispered Lena sadly, "I've been good and ashamed and sad and I've been bad and treacherous yet obedient and mad and now I'm a Lost girl but I wish I was a real girl! I want to go shopping and eat ice cream that does not taste like clouds or candy and share a packet of fish and chips walking along a beach and ... and ... have a boyfriend!" she sobbed. Several of the other Lost Girls nearby begun to cry too.

Donna glared at them.

"All right I'll see if I cam remember my armor into existence!

But when this is over I'm back here. I had a life and lost it over and over again pulled in an dout of various realities and then discarded tossed aside like a broken puppet."

Back in one of those realities intresting events were taking place on a certain farm in the Mid West as some one's current girl friend had brought her mother along for afternoon tea and coffee but someone's on and off spuse lover and girl friend was there too. Some one was out in the barn feeding the horses carrots cringing as the females in his extended family held a meeting. He thought he had heard the word with his super hearing polyamory being used inside the house.

Elsewhere the chaos grew worse as various dreamings alternate realities and parallel universes continued to merge together. Nantucket island had a rainbow dome forming over it echoing a fictional event.

 A megalomanic wearing Norman armor was leading a charge of knights through the streets of Portland.

 A large floating rock with a city on top of it was manifesting over the corn fields of Oklahoma.

Lord Greystoke had announced he was running in the Kenyan elections.

Australia's forests and rivers now really did have dropbears and bunyips to the dismay of tourists and locals harassed by  yowies who were begging for junk food and sweets.

A certain local actor nearly had a heart attack when his most famous character appeared and approached him in his favorite lunch spot loudly shrieking "Hello Possum!"

All this converging stress though was causing dormant volcanoes to show signs of erupting and causing out of season snow storms tornadoes hurricanes flooding and wild fires. This of course was keeping all the fictional heroes who had suddenly become real so busy helping or avoiding police fans and journalists that they had no time to arrange the usual problem solving grand on masse  meeting.


Evil also had a long list of people. People to do things to.

In an palazzo converted to holiday apartments in Venice a couple was breakfasting on a garden terrace. Slinky and Batsy has spent the last two days with the radio and tv turned off and unplugged and their phones and other tech toys locked in a safe. The only phone in the room was for room service. Newspaper deliveries had been cancelled. They were currently sharing a croissant and other breakfast pastries and were dressed for working on their tans and each other.

This happy state of affairs of course could not last along and just as they finished breakfast and started other activities the downdraft from a descending helicopter interrupted them. A woman slide down a rope from it onto the terrace. Batsy shuddered. It was the mother of his brat.

"Ta tah ah mmm what are you doing here?" asked Batsy. Slinky narrowed here eyes and hissed at her.

The Ghoul's Daughter  merely smiled at them and stood there for a moment doing a sphinx impression.
Then she passed over a phone.

"Read your voice mail."

"Hello Master Batsy. We have a Red Sky Falling situation again and this time I was trapped in Teckelstein so I could not get in touch with you earlier. I can't get back to the Batcave."

"By the way," added The ghoul's Daughter," I also told the paparazzi you were in this hotel."

For a brief few seconds Batsy and Slinky looked like they wanted to cry or scream or smash something then they glared at and stomped back into the apartment to pack.

Vacation time was definitely over.


 

Milk and cookies and guns and goullawks

Milk and cookies


   . . .  and guns and goullawks

Sassy and Goldie had taken Lori Zee$%^&N back to Lady Zen Shipper and Fluvia Canta  was pouring Tea for all of them. Lori spotted the gun holstered to Fluvia's hip and asked about it.

"You have a gun?"

"Yes and it's dual action projectiles and energy beams!"

Fluvia pulled it out of her holster and placed it on the table.

" ... and it was hand crafted by ..." she paused to swat Goldie away from it. The Goullawk had been eyeing it with an acquisitive look and was slowly reaching towards it finger claws opening to grab it.

"You KNOW why you're not allowed near guns ...hand guns pistols rifles semi- automatics machine guns cannonry death rays ... and especially MY GUN!" scolded Fluvia picking it up.

Lori looked at both of them.

The goullawk was muttering to herself " ... but its shiny and pearly on the handles and blingy and ..."

"Is there a story? " asked Lori," and havnt I seen you on TV or somewhere with a different name?"

"Hush darling SPOILERS so hush and I'll tell you a story that demonstrated why responsible adults ONLY should have weapon licences and weapons should be in safe places when they're not in use.

"SHINY!" protested the Goullawk overwhelmed with dragonish instincts.

Fluvia holstered her gun reclined backwards with her cup of tea and begun the story in between elegant sips from her tea cup.

"Once upon a time I went to a gun show looking for something rumored to be a weapon from a lost and legendary world hoping those rumors might attract the attention of a very special GOOD MAN. This weapon was going to be auctioned or maybe stolen and legend had it that what it projected was a field that caused localized temporal flux effects. You could age or rejuvenate an object or person or speed up some thing slowing down or vice versa for a brief while."

"Was that when you met a very good doctor person who likes bow ties?" asked Sassy.

Lori was slowly working it out ... " time ... weapons ... good man ... doctor ... hey Fluvia's Latin for ..."

(Scribal Note What a pity so few judging from the visitor stats Whovians learn Latin?)

"Yes dear but tell me continue the story.

" A.F. Von Teckelstein was there too looking for weapons modified to be used by people who have paws and no opposable thumbs and he had brought along Sassy and Goldie to keep them out of trouble. I heard this gorgeous baritone voice saying

"Now you two will please stay here at the eatery and have that plate of cookies and biscuits and bowl of chocolate milk while I finish my transaction with the craftspersons ja!?"

I looked behind me and there was my dear friends Sassy and Goldie and .."

You disobeyed this A.F guy and went shopping?" interrupted Lori.

"No we were not misbehaving just sitting there quietly  eating drinking and gossipping when an alarm went off and we saw security run past and heard a canid life form growling. So we followed that sound and the security people.

The growling was being done by the DREADWOLVES from the Planet with Three and a Half Moons who looked like wolves standing on their hind legs but with really badly groomed fur and weapons holsters around their torsos and cyborg attachments in odd places not just over eyes and ears but lower down and ... and ... a tap where his ...er never mind ... they had taken hostages in the auction area and were demanding the time gun be given to them..."

"And they were holding my Uncle by his neck! He had tried to leapt up and attack them but they are very fast and grabbed him mid leap but he was still growling at them..." interrupted Sassy, "so I valiantly leaped into the fray and bite one of them and he kicked me and I landed ..."

"right next to the modified weapons A.F. had been trying to purchase whose display area was right next to the auction area, " continued Fluvia, " and Goldie flumped over to you looked around and saw the signs labelling the weapons.

"Which was Child Safe Voice Activated AI controlled Ethical Weaponry!" recalled Goldie gleefully.

"So what happened?" asked Lori.

"Someone" stated Fluvia, "decided to test that and we couldn't grab her in time. Sassy was concussed and I couldn't get past the security people!"

"It was awesome. They had an operator protective shield and I got up onto the control panel and activated it and quickly read the instructions and selected the EMERGENCY RANDOM FIRING PATTERN OPTION!"

The manufacturers claimed it was totally safe when operated by an responsible trained adult sentient and couldn't be used to hurt civilians and non combatants but some people ..." Fluvia stopped and looked at Goldie.

What had actually happened was that the AI ran an user authorization sequence.

"Query sentient adult?
Query legal ownership?
Query criminal record?
Query accept legal liability for all damages?"

Goldie of course answered YES to all the questions and selected the ERFPO and then a further option,

"MAXIMIZE FIRE POWER" "Thats what I yelled cried Goldie.

"The results," stated Fluvia resuming her narration, "were rockets and missiles and flares and flame throwers and stun rays and tranquillizer darts and absolute chaos and confusion for the next five minutes. No sentients were harmed tho some were slightly damaged and singed but lets just say that conference hall took some serious damage along with most of the weapons on display and then there was the damages and then after you got down off the weapon control you had accidentally blasted the display case for the time gun open and you rejuvenated the Dreadwolves and half the sales staff and there was a gun fight and more damage and eventually ... you're banned from using guns dear." finished Fluvia.

"But they made lots of lovely noise and they're shiny and things boom and I could learn to shoot straight!" wailed Goldie.

"Uncle A.F. had to use ALL his credit cards, the Bank of Dale, and the psychic paper one, and the Bank of Michel Delving, and we actually ran low on chocolate and other supplies to pay them all off and uncle was VERY VERY VERY unhappy!" stated Sassy.

"I had to sell off most of my hoard and jewellery and pearls and my golden Smaug collectible to pay off the damages for trying to be a hero!" wailed Goldie.

And that gentle readers is why the girls do not use guns and probably why you shouldn't either whether you want to use them for target shooting or to make a big noise or try to be a hero because even sentient sensible adults can have trouble with them and its usually them who have to fix the damage other people make.

Weaponry and Goullawks do not go well together as just as many dachshunds especially Teckelsteiners don't understand the meaning of fear Goullawks have trouble with the concept of concept and knowing when to hit the stop button.

So how are our girls going to stop evil dudes who love weaponry?

Hey this is a serial! I'm not telling you yet!