TEMPORAL PESTS RETURNS
I am trying to revive Temporal Pests.
Please let me know if you want to see it as posts on a blog or offered as a reward over on patreon?
Thank you.
If you like supporting people via patreon
http://www.patreon.com/JVartndesign
offered the first chapter as a reward for a MERE $1 pledge in August?
Patreon or paypal make your choice to support the girls!
Showing posts with label fan fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fan fiction. Show all posts
Saturday, 10 September 2016
Sunday, 5 October 2014
Agents of Naughtiness!
Agents of Naughtiness
probably #fanfiction this couldnt have really happened anywhere in the multiverse? Could it?
What still no paypal tips ?
Okay you're just going to have to put up with another out of sequence of one of the girls' recent misadventures.
A secret facility somewhere ... apparently you can land and hide an HUGE airbus with driving distance of wher- ever a certain general lives with no one noticing?
What a marvellous universe!
Director Carving into Walls is my new hobby is staring out of the window and hasnt noticed the live feed from Vault 4 of just HOW Skype is interrogating Buddy's Best Friend who curiously is now wearing a WILFRED outfit with chocolate brown fur and is rolling on the floor either trying to look cute or convince Skype after that recent psychotic break he needs a REAL therapist!
Clonig or is he a droid is standing in front of the screen clearly praying Director Yoga is not my Hobby stays by the window.
Just then a statue materializes in the middle of the office.
Well it looks like a statue but a door opens in the plinth and a certain notorious twosome emerge.
Goldie cheerfully and loudly.
"Hellooo darlings I understand you're recruiting?"
Director Gosh was that Kree Blood whirls around and spills his coffee as his first reaction on seeing our beloved Goullawk and Dachshund characters is to draw a gun.
"You were banned from ALL SHIELD Faculties!"
"We're willing to apologize for putting a smiley face on your boss' eyepatches!"
meekly declaimed the canine member of this duo.
"So are you recruiting!? We do filing and martial arts soo!"
Director Connect the Kree equations is about to snarl at them when he notices whats going despite downstairs despite Clonig standing in front of the screens.
"We also do therapy!" states Goldie!
"Thats it! I give up! I'm going to the real Tahiti!"
Just then Fitz wanders in from the lab and unlike everyone else in the room is not being hysterical.
"Oh helloo girls!"
He walks towards the plinth of the statue.
"Just where do you think you're going?" asks Director forced to travel coach.
"The girls are taking me to visit a special Doctor!"
Cut to final scene Director Over stressed is quietly sobbing.
He wanted to go visit the man in the Blue Box too!
More silliness sooner or later!
Argh grr must get back to fixing chapter 3 of REAL serious novel!
probably #fanfiction this couldnt have really happened anywhere in the multiverse? Could it?
What still no paypal tips ?
Okay you're just going to have to put up with another out of sequence of one of the girls' recent misadventures.
A secret facility somewhere ... apparently you can land and hide an HUGE airbus with driving distance of wher- ever a certain general lives with no one noticing?
What a marvellous universe!
Director Carving into Walls is my new hobby is staring out of the window and hasnt noticed the live feed from Vault 4 of just HOW Skype is interrogating Buddy's Best Friend who curiously is now wearing a WILFRED outfit with chocolate brown fur and is rolling on the floor either trying to look cute or convince Skype after that recent psychotic break he needs a REAL therapist!
Clonig or is he a droid is standing in front of the screen clearly praying Director Yoga is not my Hobby stays by the window.
Just then a statue materializes in the middle of the office.
Well it looks like a statue but a door opens in the plinth and a certain notorious twosome emerge.
Goldie cheerfully and loudly.
"Hellooo darlings I understand you're recruiting?"
Director Gosh was that Kree Blood whirls around and spills his coffee as his first reaction on seeing our beloved Goullawk and Dachshund characters is to draw a gun.
"You were banned from ALL SHIELD Faculties!"
"We're willing to apologize for putting a smiley face on your boss' eyepatches!"
meekly declaimed the canine member of this duo.
"So are you recruiting!? We do filing and martial arts soo!"
Director Connect the Kree equations is about to snarl at them when he notices whats going despite downstairs despite Clonig standing in front of the screens.
"We also do therapy!" states Goldie!
"Thats it! I give up! I'm going to the real Tahiti!"
Just then Fitz wanders in from the lab and unlike everyone else in the room is not being hysterical.
"Oh helloo girls!"
He walks towards the plinth of the statue.
"Just where do you think you're going?" asks Director forced to travel coach.
"The girls are taking me to visit a special Doctor!"
Cut to final scene Director Over stressed is quietly sobbing.
He wanted to go visit the man in the Blue Box too!
More silliness sooner or later!
Argh grr must get back to fixing chapter 3 of REAL serious novel!
Thursday, 19 June 2014
DODO SUPER FLYING ULTRA POSTAL SERVICE
Sassy's trip through the vortex had brought her to the Door that goes almost Everywhere and When.
"DODO's Super Flying Ultra Postal Service Head Office Please!"
In an neglected corner of fan fiction was Generic City
(see Just a Lotta animals if you can find it)
and in Generic City was a service run about some very special pigeons and parrots and other Avians. someone had genespliced a pigeon a dodo and possibly a bit of African Grey parrot. The result had a perch behind a counter and was wearing a ww2 fighter pilot cap.
"Oh hello Sassy havnt seen any of your folk for a while."
"Dodo dear do you have an active link to Teckelstein?" asked Sassy as she trotted behind the counter into the staff area.
"I've got a tech team looking at that now. The light keeps blinking on and off!"
The pigeon flapped down a corridor and Sassy trotted swiftly below and just a little behind him.
They entered a room full of blinking lights with names like Westeros, Honorverse, Disney Anime, Urban Noir, Uber Chicago and of course Discworld. Each of these lights had a pigeon size door below it and various notes, like beware the gargoyles, avoid the dragons, or force shield necessary.
On the floor below some very large rats wearing tool belts were swarming in and out of a mechanism that seemed to be connecting various cables to the lights and doors and a large monitor. There was a shriek from inside that mechanism and a ratty scream of
"See I told you it was live. Use the meter!"
A slightly scorched rodent wombled out towards them spun around and collapsed.
"Will he be alright?' asked Sassy smelling burnt fur.
"Ello ello ello wot can ay do for youse?" asked another rodent wearing a white cap and glasses.
"Teckelstein! Has the link stabilised!"
Well we're getting a lot of quantum fluctation today but yes while I don't think a medium to large humanoid could travel through quantum we can generate a quantum level tunneling for a smaller being like your ladyship or our couriers!
Dodo puffed out his chest.
"What message do you want me to deliver Sassy?"
"Several actually! I have a list!" stated the dachshund.
To be continued when my informants don't get distracted and forget to discover notes to me!
Spoiler alert I swear by the nine muses certain events in upcoming episodes occurred BEFORE Forever Evil and of course this is fiction but why do the girls keep "guessing" about certain events? worrisome? Mr L is trying along with Young L#$% to break the mythic cycle and the girls have been insisting for years that ... what next a certain Lannister finally gets his hands on gunpowder and cannonry?
Final note to readers I am actually writing a serious SF novel.
This series ... isn't ...any definable genre?
"DODO's Super Flying Ultra Postal Service Head Office Please!"
In an neglected corner of fan fiction was Generic City
(see Just a Lotta animals if you can find it)
and in Generic City was a service run about some very special pigeons and parrots and other Avians. someone had genespliced a pigeon a dodo and possibly a bit of African Grey parrot. The result had a perch behind a counter and was wearing a ww2 fighter pilot cap.
"Oh hello Sassy havnt seen any of your folk for a while."
"Dodo dear do you have an active link to Teckelstein?" asked Sassy as she trotted behind the counter into the staff area.
"I've got a tech team looking at that now. The light keeps blinking on and off!"
The pigeon flapped down a corridor and Sassy trotted swiftly below and just a little behind him.
They entered a room full of blinking lights with names like Westeros, Honorverse, Disney Anime, Urban Noir, Uber Chicago and of course Discworld. Each of these lights had a pigeon size door below it and various notes, like beware the gargoyles, avoid the dragons, or force shield necessary.
On the floor below some very large rats wearing tool belts were swarming in and out of a mechanism that seemed to be connecting various cables to the lights and doors and a large monitor. There was a shriek from inside that mechanism and a ratty scream of
"See I told you it was live. Use the meter!"
A slightly scorched rodent wombled out towards them spun around and collapsed.
"Will he be alright?' asked Sassy smelling burnt fur.
"Ello ello ello wot can ay do for youse?" asked another rodent wearing a white cap and glasses.
"Teckelstein! Has the link stabilised!"
Well we're getting a lot of quantum fluctation today but yes while I don't think a medium to large humanoid could travel through quantum we can generate a quantum level tunneling for a smaller being like your ladyship or our couriers!
Dodo puffed out his chest.
"What message do you want me to deliver Sassy?"
"Several actually! I have a list!" stated the dachshund.
To be continued when my informants don't get distracted and forget to discover notes to me!
Spoiler alert I swear by the nine muses certain events in upcoming episodes occurred BEFORE Forever Evil and of course this is fiction but why do the girls keep "guessing" about certain events? worrisome? Mr L is trying along with Young L#$% to break the mythic cycle and the girls have been insisting for years that ... what next a certain Lannister finally gets his hands on gunpowder and cannonry?
Final note to readers I am actually writing a serious SF novel.
This series ... isn't ...any definable genre?
Saturday, 31 May 2014
Falling Hounds, Chainsaws and More Mayhem.
Previously in Temporal Pests, our trepid canine heroine was about to enter the Time Vortex, our other heroine got squashed by a giant robot, and a large section of our supporting cast is trapped in a control room ...
BOOM bang thump BOOM
the door was vibrating and starting to crack and that was the last thing Sassy saw before she was swept into the Vortex between worlds and realms, swirling away on the winds that are time, caught in temporal currents, and hopefully being swept along to the exit point for her destination.
While many of our supporting cast were were getting ready to fight when the door collapsed or dissolved one of them was franticly typing commands at a terminal and another was outside and hadn't entered at all.
The Clown Prince of Crime had never entered the control room at all but had discovered a gardener's shed and a chainsaw.
He sauntered and strutted back towards the assembled villanry and then checked stopped, posed inspiringly for artists, fired up the chainsaw and shrieked,
"OKAY WHO STARTED THE PARTY WITHOUT ME!"
and then quietly added , " ... and without inviting moi?"
A lot of people started running. More importantly most of them stopped attacking the door and turned their weapons towards him.
Somewhere beyond time and space as we know it a rock floats and on it is nothing about a door. All you have to do to open that door is to knock on it and think or say where you want to go.
Sassy landed on that rock.
To be continued!
BOOM bang thump BOOM
the door was vibrating and starting to crack and that was the last thing Sassy saw before she was swept into the Vortex between worlds and realms, swirling away on the winds that are time, caught in temporal currents, and hopefully being swept along to the exit point for her destination.
While many of our supporting cast were were getting ready to fight when the door collapsed or dissolved one of them was franticly typing commands at a terminal and another was outside and hadn't entered at all.
The Clown Prince of Crime had never entered the control room at all but had discovered a gardener's shed and a chainsaw.
He sauntered and strutted back towards the assembled villanry and then checked stopped, posed inspiringly for artists, fired up the chainsaw and shrieked,
"OKAY WHO STARTED THE PARTY WITHOUT ME!"
and then quietly added , " ... and without inviting moi?"
A lot of people started running. More importantly most of them stopped attacking the door and turned their weapons towards him.
Somewhere beyond time and space as we know it a rock floats and on it is nothing about a door. All you have to do to open that door is to knock on it and think or say where you want to go.
Sassy landed on that rock.
To be continued!
Saturday, 17 May 2014
A Memo from a Certain Director
As regular readers ( do we have any?) have noticed my co-writers Sassy and Goldie distract easily and instead of informing me what happened next in strict and correct linear temporal sequence go off in tangents or bring me memos like this which appears to have come from the office of someone just promoted to Director of a certain organisation this week
Director C&*$&n to All STAFF and OFFICES)
To be distributed by email and print
RE: Salvage ops
It has come to my attention that certain individuals are selling fragments of various facilities and equipment on ebay. This will cease immediately!
Someone tried to sell LOLA! I know she needs repairs but we are not selling LOLA to raise funds for rebuilding.
I know it seemed like a good idea but someone using the ebay ID of HULKBUSTER showed up with several trucks and tried to enter restricted areas claiming they had bid successfully for salvage rights!
No more ebay auctions!
Graffiti.
NO further action will be taken if the person who sprayed Buddy Lives and Phil's Family Fun Therapy UNIT on the outside of my AIRBUS removes it. Promptly. You have 24 hours. The same applies to the person or people who thought it was funny to spray WHY HULK SEE RED YET TURN GREEN? in the corridor outside Dr Banner's lab. Likewise the individual who sprayed VOTE ONE STARK for BIGGER BETTER SHINY TOYS!
This is not a democracy or dictatorship.
Staff performance reviews.
A lot of you need to come up with something better than
"Hey I just yelled Hail Hydra because everyone else was doing it!"
Who put a chocolate labrador retriever inside Agent Ward's debriefing room?
He is now sobbing hysterically and babbling intel about Hydra between bouts of gambolling around the room playing with the dog. If anyone thinks they're helping him do an insanity plea ... this will not work!
I have no record of any agents using the IDs Sassy or Goldie!
Sincerely Intent on rebuilding our organisation
P.S. The next person who claims they saw a purple dragonoid on a skateboard and a talking dachshund will report for immediate psych evaluation!
Director C&*$&n to All STAFF and OFFICES)
To be distributed by email and print
RE: Salvage ops
It has come to my attention that certain individuals are selling fragments of various facilities and equipment on ebay. This will cease immediately!
Someone tried to sell LOLA! I know she needs repairs but we are not selling LOLA to raise funds for rebuilding.
I know it seemed like a good idea but someone using the ebay ID of HULKBUSTER showed up with several trucks and tried to enter restricted areas claiming they had bid successfully for salvage rights!
No more ebay auctions!
Graffiti.
NO further action will be taken if the person who sprayed Buddy Lives and Phil's Family Fun Therapy UNIT on the outside of my AIRBUS removes it. Promptly. You have 24 hours. The same applies to the person or people who thought it was funny to spray WHY HULK SEE RED YET TURN GREEN? in the corridor outside Dr Banner's lab. Likewise the individual who sprayed VOTE ONE STARK for BIGGER BETTER SHINY TOYS!
This is not a democracy or dictatorship.
Staff performance reviews.
A lot of you need to come up with something better than
"Hey I just yelled Hail Hydra because everyone else was doing it!"
Who put a chocolate labrador retriever inside Agent Ward's debriefing room?
He is now sobbing hysterically and babbling intel about Hydra between bouts of gambolling around the room playing with the dog. If anyone thinks they're helping him do an insanity plea ... this will not work!
I have no record of any agents using the IDs Sassy or Goldie!
Sincerely Intent on rebuilding our organisation
P.S. The next person who claims they saw a purple dragonoid on a skateboard and a talking dachshund will report for immediate psych evaluation!
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Cosmic messaging
Cosmic Messaging
Yes readers despite the lack of interest our #satire # parody #explanation of #cosmic #crossover #crisies continues. Of course its fictional and yet given this years plot developments at a certain company ... well lets just say two or three of our characters are smirking and I'm worried since I know the ending even if you don't!
In the bunker behind a door now reinforced with unobtanium and similar metals courtesy of Wolowiz the Texan Praying Mantis and others were using every terminal to type up mailing lists for everyone they could think of who either had net access or the local equivalent or could send on messages to others.
In a cave under a plateau near a certain Eastern Seaboard city on a bay a faithful retainer had his Second Life session disrupted by an incoming message.
On the screen of several timeships across the multiverse pleas for help and co-ordinates flashed.
Most importantly of all the inbox yapped on A.F. von Teckelstein's desk and a printer churned out a page of information.
One steaming mad queen a couple of hundred enraged Teckelsteiners who had nearly been erased from existence and quite a few other people now known who was responsible and where to go and now to get there.
Or try to get there.
The gates still needed to be opened.
Yes readers despite the lack of interest our #satire # parody #explanation of #cosmic #crossover #crisies continues. Of course its fictional and yet given this years plot developments at a certain company ... well lets just say two or three of our characters are smirking and I'm worried since I know the ending even if you don't!
In the bunker behind a door now reinforced with unobtanium and similar metals courtesy of Wolowiz the Texan Praying Mantis and others were using every terminal to type up mailing lists for everyone they could think of who either had net access or the local equivalent or could send on messages to others.
In a cave under a plateau near a certain Eastern Seaboard city on a bay a faithful retainer had his Second Life session disrupted by an incoming message.
On the screen of several timeships across the multiverse pleas for help and co-ordinates flashed.
Most importantly of all the inbox yapped on A.F. von Teckelstein's desk and a printer churned out a page of information.
One steaming mad queen a couple of hundred enraged Teckelsteiners who had nearly been erased from existence and quite a few other people now known who was responsible and where to go and now to get there.
Or try to get there.
The gates still needed to be opened.
Monday, 3 March 2014
Steaming Queens
Steaming Queens
Back at the Node the villains moved over to the control bunker and left a certain hole in the ground unattended. The hole was the shape of a giant robotic foot on its outer edges and in the middle, an indent in the soil, was the outline of a Goullawk.
Somewhere under that was what was left of Goldie's body in a comatose state.
A gardening robot came trundling over and filled the hole with water and then went off to get some soil and plants. The water soaked downwards and meet some unique biochemistry.
Some odd sounds arose from the hole. Fizzing bubbling popping and hissing as the hole filled with something that looked like a purple soft drink.
There was a bulge as something at the bottom of the hole absorbed fluid and begun to UNflatten but slowly. The bubbling continued. Steam rose up.
The fluid rippled. A pair of breathing holes could be seen if you were really close. There was a loud inhaling noise then all the bubbling hissing and steaming stopped except for a occasional plop of extra large bubbles.
The queen was steaming mad. Woe betide anything that got in her way when she emerged from healing.
Back at the Node the villains moved over to the control bunker and left a certain hole in the ground unattended. The hole was the shape of a giant robotic foot on its outer edges and in the middle, an indent in the soil, was the outline of a Goullawk.
Somewhere under that was what was left of Goldie's body in a comatose state.
A gardening robot came trundling over and filled the hole with water and then went off to get some soil and plants. The water soaked downwards and meet some unique biochemistry.
Some odd sounds arose from the hole. Fizzing bubbling popping and hissing as the hole filled with something that looked like a purple soft drink.
There was a bulge as something at the bottom of the hole absorbed fluid and begun to UNflatten but slowly. The bubbling continued. Steam rose up.
The fluid rippled. A pair of breathing holes could be seen if you were really close. There was a loud inhaling noise then all the bubbling hissing and steaming stopped except for a occasional plop of extra large bubbles.
The queen was steaming mad. Woe betide anything that got in her way when she emerged from healing.
Friday, 21 February 2014
Still A Battle
Still A battle
(see prior post finally a battle )
Still A Battle
We last saw our characters (unless you caught up on older posts while the girls took an Xmas
break) besieged surrounded overwhelmed threatened and generally in trouble.
DEM grabbed Sassy by the collar and pulled her away from the Goullawk shaped dent in the
ground and then before the Dachshund could wriggle backwards out of the collar wrapped an arm around her and tucked her under her armpit firmly.
"Hey you're wearing armor! That hurts!" yelped Sassy.
"You'll hurt a lot more if you get squashed too by that robot!" scolded DEM.
The demiequinid character was whinnying as he fired off rounds from an antique pistol.
He stopped to reload and snorted at the others and swore in an obscure Germanic dialect.
"@##$% I told my author I wanted to retire!"
Just then in the distance there was a loud popping sound as air was displaced by a gate opening followed by the sound of anti tank grenades exploding and the ringing of steel capped hooves against robotic armour.
"Loving God" whinnied the Colonel, "Who invited my wife?"
Catholic Shrieking cut through the crowd bowling over several robots battle machines and
warsuits and a variety of villains and also clearing a path to a nearby building.
By its door was Wolowiz and wife, P is for Persuasive and Super Pandit waving franticly.
Our beleaguered group of heros run for it.
P is for Persuasive stood outside guarding them as they retreated talking to the villians,
"You really need a coffee break about now!"
"These are not the droids you're looking for!"
"They went the other way!"
"Would you like to buy me shoes?"
Leon grabbed his girlfriend and pulled her inside and slammed the door before anyone could
respond to that offer.
Inside Reg and Jonahexed and others were studying the controls.
The Texan praying mantis was looking particularly petulant.
"Why one of the greatest minds in the multiverse can not break the decryptions on these controls..."
"Minds!?" snapped several other people in the room.
"I think since we just had another arrival incoming travel is possible but we can't open portals out.
Jonahexed eyes stated glowing. Literally.
"I ... I ... feel explanatory prose paragraphs forming!"
"The portal controls are locked but there's always a solution ... that s a cosmic law of narrative so ... soo ... soo ..." Jonahexed paused to look at the control panel ..."
"Is that a messaging system or comm icon?"
"Oh yes its got a RECYT / REPLY ALL command option!"
But what about Goldie?" howled Sassy.
To be continued at the same erratic pace.
Editorial Note if you are a new reader better check the archives!
(see prior post finally a battle )
Still A Battle
We last saw our characters (unless you caught up on older posts while the girls took an Xmas
break) besieged surrounded overwhelmed threatened and generally in trouble.
DEM grabbed Sassy by the collar and pulled her away from the Goullawk shaped dent in the
ground and then before the Dachshund could wriggle backwards out of the collar wrapped an arm around her and tucked her under her armpit firmly.
"Hey you're wearing armor! That hurts!" yelped Sassy.
"You'll hurt a lot more if you get squashed too by that robot!" scolded DEM.
The demiequinid character was whinnying as he fired off rounds from an antique pistol.
He stopped to reload and snorted at the others and swore in an obscure Germanic dialect.
"@##$% I told my author I wanted to retire!"
Just then in the distance there was a loud popping sound as air was displaced by a gate opening followed by the sound of anti tank grenades exploding and the ringing of steel capped hooves against robotic armour.
"Loving God" whinnied the Colonel, "Who invited my wife?"
Catholic Shrieking cut through the crowd bowling over several robots battle machines and
warsuits and a variety of villains and also clearing a path to a nearby building.
By its door was Wolowiz and wife, P is for Persuasive and Super Pandit waving franticly.
Our beleaguered group of heros run for it.
P is for Persuasive stood outside guarding them as they retreated talking to the villians,
"You really need a coffee break about now!"
"These are not the droids you're looking for!"
"They went the other way!"
"Would you like to buy me shoes?"
Leon grabbed his girlfriend and pulled her inside and slammed the door before anyone could
respond to that offer.
Inside Reg and Jonahexed and others were studying the controls.
The Texan praying mantis was looking particularly petulant.
"Why one of the greatest minds in the multiverse can not break the decryptions on these controls..."
"Minds!?" snapped several other people in the room.
"I think since we just had another arrival incoming travel is possible but we can't open portals out.
Jonahexed eyes stated glowing. Literally.
"I ... I ... feel explanatory prose paragraphs forming!"
"The portal controls are locked but there's always a solution ... that s a cosmic law of narrative so ... soo ... soo ..." Jonahexed paused to look at the control panel ..."
"Is that a messaging system or comm icon?"
"Oh yes its got a RECYT / REPLY ALL command option!"
But what about Goldie?" howled Sassy.
To be continued at the same erratic pace.
Editorial Note if you are a new reader better check the archives!
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
Agent Phil's Family Fun Time and Furies explained
Meanwhile as worlds collide converge and become chaotic one sensible individual is staying out of trouble safely riding out the chaos on a plane with a fuel tank which apparently can circumnavigate the world several times without refuelling. But his boss is not happy about this.
Oh and an explanation of how a white 60s Fury became ... the new guy with the eye patch much darker tan ... and attitude!
A phone rings.
"Phil I need your admin skills! Get back here now!"
"But that require a dangerous transit through unstable areas of temporal and spatial distortions ... Wahrd stop teasing the Fitzes and go help Skype with her homework!"
" Phil you have to get back here due to those distortions my grandfather's trying to "volunteer" and return to service! Gramps please no put that gun down. No we don't use howitzers any more and no you can't have a rocket launcher! Gramps please! And stop going around the carrier telling people how proud you are of me! You're spoiling my image! "
Phil smirks. The yelling from the phone continues.
"No gramps of course I love you but even with that youth serum you're in your 90s and seeing you is starting up that nepotism rumor again!"
Phil please come back please!"
Agents of Shield returns to Australian tv on wednesday night !
Oh and an explanation of how a white 60s Fury became ... the new guy with the eye patch much darker tan ... and attitude!
A phone rings.
"Phil I need your admin skills! Get back here now!"
"But that require a dangerous transit through unstable areas of temporal and spatial distortions ... Wahrd stop teasing the Fitzes and go help Skype with her homework!"
" Phil you have to get back here due to those distortions my grandfather's trying to "volunteer" and return to service! Gramps please no put that gun down. No we don't use howitzers any more and no you can't have a rocket launcher! Gramps please! And stop going around the carrier telling people how proud you are of me! You're spoiling my image! "
Phil smirks. The yelling from the phone continues.
"No gramps of course I love you but even with that youth serum you're in your 90s and seeing you is starting up that nepotism rumor again!"
Phil please come back please!"
Agents of Shield returns to Australian tv on wednesday night !
Monday, 2 December 2013
Agent C to A.F. Teckelstein
This series of messages may explain why I don't have a regular posting schedule.
The Christmas / New Year Party season has started apparently.
Agent C*%#@*$ to A. F. Teckelstein.
Some one claiming to be your grand niece gave me your email address.
Please explain why and how she and her "galpal" the Goullawk are currently INFESTING my plane!
A. F. its VON Teckelstein to Agent what did you do with that cellist girlfriend ?
Ignore them or fed them sashimi. The dragonoid will eat any type with seafood.
Agent Cou know who don't you to A. F. Teckelstein
Now some one calling herself a Professor of Archaeology has shown up and they're trying to persuade my pilot to come night clubbing with them!
A. F. to Agent C
Its between filming seasons. Surely you can remember you're a fictional character in other universes now. You really haven't meet River before this?
Agent C to A. F. What do you mean "Fictional" OF cos I'm REAL and they "borrowed" LOLA! I ...!@$#$@!! TAHITI TAHITI TAHITI emergency reset Tahiti is a magical place ! ...
and that was all the correspondence I could get copies of ...
I pity the night club owner who gets Agent M a certain Doctor's Wife And Sassy and Goldie showing up to party.
The Christmas / New Year Party season has started apparently.
Agent C*%#@*$ to A. F. Teckelstein.
Some one claiming to be your grand niece gave me your email address.
Please explain why and how she and her "galpal" the Goullawk are currently INFESTING my plane!
A. F. its VON Teckelstein to Agent what did you do with that cellist girlfriend ?
Ignore them or fed them sashimi. The dragonoid will eat any type with seafood.
Agent Cou know who don't you to A. F. Teckelstein
Now some one calling herself a Professor of Archaeology has shown up and they're trying to persuade my pilot to come night clubbing with them!
A. F. to Agent C
Its between filming seasons. Surely you can remember you're a fictional character in other universes now. You really haven't meet River before this?
Agent C to A. F. What do you mean "Fictional" OF cos I'm REAL and they "borrowed" LOLA! I ...!@$#$@!! TAHITI TAHITI TAHITI emergency reset Tahiti is a magical place ! ...
and that was all the correspondence I could get copies of ...
I pity the night club owner who gets Agent M a certain Doctor's Wife And Sassy and Goldie showing up to party.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
November 2013 recap ... our story so far
Previously on Temporal Pests.
Over on a certain section of the Multiverse regarded as fictional in ours entire universes and timelines are prone to frequent resets crisises crossovers and entanglements.
Fed up with being at the whim of sadistic editors writers and other creative sadomasochists and led by Mr. "L" villians from across that area of the multiverse and others nearby have attacked and occupied a NODE an pocket dimension that is a gateway to several others and have gained access to a Cintamani a wish granting jewel.
This time they're going to be in charge when the Multiverse converges and resets. However the Cintamani can only be used once by each user and then needs to recharge.
Meanwhile the people usually responsible for guarding the Cintamani have either been taken prisoner or freed from their usual character parameters are busily partying or in some cases punishing their creators.
But the Cintamani or its Creator has a strange sense of humor and as a consequence of a wish Teckelstein home of sentient dachshunds and other beings has had its access to other realities and the Multiverse cut off. This has had various consequences including attracting the attention of Sassy a Teckel Princess and her friend Goldie aka Gilda Dragonides a Goullawk queen.
Unfortunately for the villians their friends and allies include
Fluvia
a gunslinging time travelling archaeologist
yes her boyfriend might be a time traveller too
Reg the ONLY Dawllawk London taxi driver
(No relation to Daleks no what do you think?)
JonaHexed and his new girlfriend Vicki refugees from universes no longer having a steady fanbase.
Dr A a deeply scary civil Sorcerer who normally works for a department stuck with a code name referring to washing.
The girls and their allies have returned to the Node trying to gain access to the Cintamani to undone Mr L's and other wishes but despite or perhaps because of advice from Sassy's future self they are badly outnumbered and Goldie has been seriously squished by a giant robot.
It would seem they need more help.
Fortunately Saints Jack and Ron are on the job and rounding up more allies for them.
The Detectives are coming!
Over on a certain section of the Multiverse regarded as fictional in ours entire universes and timelines are prone to frequent resets crisises crossovers and entanglements.
Fed up with being at the whim of sadistic editors writers and other creative sadomasochists and led by Mr. "L" villians from across that area of the multiverse and others nearby have attacked and occupied a NODE an pocket dimension that is a gateway to several others and have gained access to a Cintamani a wish granting jewel.
This time they're going to be in charge when the Multiverse converges and resets. However the Cintamani can only be used once by each user and then needs to recharge.
Meanwhile the people usually responsible for guarding the Cintamani have either been taken prisoner or freed from their usual character parameters are busily partying or in some cases punishing their creators.
But the Cintamani or its Creator has a strange sense of humor and as a consequence of a wish Teckelstein home of sentient dachshunds and other beings has had its access to other realities and the Multiverse cut off. This has had various consequences including attracting the attention of Sassy a Teckel Princess and her friend Goldie aka Gilda Dragonides a Goullawk queen.
Unfortunately for the villians their friends and allies include
Fluvia
a gunslinging time travelling archaeologist
yes her boyfriend might be a time traveller too
Reg the ONLY Dawllawk London taxi driver
(No relation to Daleks no what do you think?)
JonaHexed and his new girlfriend Vicki refugees from universes no longer having a steady fanbase.
Dr A a deeply scary civil Sorcerer who normally works for a department stuck with a code name referring to washing.
The girls and their allies have returned to the Node trying to gain access to the Cintamani to undone Mr L's and other wishes but despite or perhaps because of advice from Sassy's future self they are badly outnumbered and Goldie has been seriously squished by a giant robot.
It would seem they need more help.
Fortunately Saints Jack and Ron are on the job and rounding up more allies for them.
The Detectives are coming!
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Two Englishmen
Two Englishmen
... mmm ... well one's sorta Anglo-Irish but ...
In a place that is between worlds even when worlds converge there is a wood full of ponds that are portals in one section but there is also beyond a small pond and river a village and in that village a house on a hill with a large tree in the garden framing a view of a distant mountain. In that house two English men were having afternoon tea. There was ham and cheese and sandwiches and scones and berries and cream and a pot of tea which was always the right temperature and coffee that was never bitter and other delights. One of them had a pipe full of tobacco which never made you sick and really did have a fragant aroma and was blowing smoke rings. The other was looking out the window.Their wives who were out in the garden tending herbs waved up at him.
"Jack the mail is about to arrive!"
A moment later a very large pigeon wearing a WWII pilots cap came through the window and perched on the tea tables edge patiently waiting for an reward of hot buttered scone as the man called jack untied the message scroll from the bird.
"Ron duty calls!"
The two men got up from the teatable donned sensible woollen jackets with really useful deep pockets and picked up walking sticks made of a wood from a tree of the sort spirits dwell in and stranger creatures.
A small unicorn tossed its mane at them in greeting as they crossed into the forest and approached a pond from which steam was rising. It showed a mass of swirling red and black clouds and a planetoid surrounded by a force field appraoching Earths sun with ramscoops extended to collect plasma to restart fusion reactors and odder devices .
"Mmm Teckelstein's powering up for something."
Next powering up ...
... mmm ... well one's sorta Anglo-Irish but ...
In a place that is between worlds even when worlds converge there is a wood full of ponds that are portals in one section but there is also beyond a small pond and river a village and in that village a house on a hill with a large tree in the garden framing a view of a distant mountain. In that house two English men were having afternoon tea. There was ham and cheese and sandwiches and scones and berries and cream and a pot of tea which was always the right temperature and coffee that was never bitter and other delights. One of them had a pipe full of tobacco which never made you sick and really did have a fragant aroma and was blowing smoke rings. The other was looking out the window.Their wives who were out in the garden tending herbs waved up at him.
"Jack the mail is about to arrive!"
A moment later a very large pigeon wearing a WWII pilots cap came through the window and perched on the tea tables edge patiently waiting for an reward of hot buttered scone as the man called jack untied the message scroll from the bird.
"Ron duty calls!"
The two men got up from the teatable donned sensible woollen jackets with really useful deep pockets and picked up walking sticks made of a wood from a tree of the sort spirits dwell in and stranger creatures.
A small unicorn tossed its mane at them in greeting as they crossed into the forest and approached a pond from which steam was rising. It showed a mass of swirling red and black clouds and a planetoid surrounded by a force field appraoching Earths sun with ramscoops extended to collect plasma to restart fusion reactors and odder devices .
"Mmm Teckelstein's powering up for something."
Next powering up ...
Thursday, 23 May 2013
The Wizards of London
LONDON CHURNING
and burning too!
and the resident wizards are not happy!
Sassy Goldie and Jonahexed had intended to park Lady Zen Shipper at the park at the end of Respite Street.
The street however was a smouldering ruin with fires still burning in some houses, others destroyed completely, and the surface of the street cracked and split with holes and impact craters.
"where are all the people?" cried Sassy, "oh no, Reg, Her, Dr. A!"
"One of those piles of rubble is moving?" Fluvia stated.
A metallic arm could be seen punching upwards moving rubble aside. Very soon a cyborg housewife wearing a charred frilly apron could been seen smashing rubble and heard screaming too.
"My garden! My garden!"
Reg was the next to emerge from the cellar moving over to the part of the rubble apparently covering his taxi and was using his levitators to bob up and down in a manner both erratic and irate.
"My taxi! My beautiful cab! OY! I just had her waxed polished last week! #$!@##@$#%$$@!"
JonaHexed pointed towards the centre of the city.
The ground was churning. Roads leading towards the city were rippling and cracking. Something was moving under the ground. The buildings of the city were moving too shaking and swaying. Tentacles were rising from the ground. Burning tentacles belonging to some being with a biochemistry allowing it to have a body temperature so high its touch burnt and melted everything around it.
The Subchthonic races were rising to the surface.
Squads of angry archaeozooic reptilians awakened from hibernation were also rampaging the streets along with survivors from buried alien shipwrecks and mole like people and pale skinned subterranean adapted hominids plus a light scattering of fast and slow swarms of zombies.
Directly below them other survivors were climbing up out of the ruins.
Dr A was amongst them and he was very unhappy with a look that could quall civil servants of several ranks. He was so angry he was actually visibly using magic. Fires were going out around him and frost forming on the ground immediately about him.
"Should we be worried that Dr. A might be going dark?" asked Fluvia.
"There's one than one Wizard in London," stated JonaHexed.
"So?" asked Fluvia.
"Yes there they are walking up the street towards us!" replied JonaHexed pointing at a group walking towards them. The group included a beraggled middle aged mage with what could only be called dirty blonde hair in a rather grotty trench coat who was smoking, the owner of a shop that was really more a storage unit for arcane items, and some clearly upper class individual with an air of authority in a very expensive but well kept older coat and suit. He had an apprentice with him a young man part West African in appearance but all Londoner.
The smoker stopped walking opened his mouth to speak and begun to his horror to cough and wheeze.
The others glared at him and one of them muttered cynically
" ... well that proves the Laws of Magic have changed his anti-lung damage spell has stopped working."
"I don't suppose ..." asked the authoritative looking man "Young Timothy or any of the Potters have shown up amongst this chaos or that fellow from Chicago or that New York based mage or any of the Merlins?"
"I am here!" snapped Dr. A giving them a look that could have turned Epping Forest into a barren polar waste.
"We're here too!" remarked Sassy with distracting cheeriness sensing a possible fight.
There was an equally distracting hissing noise in the distance as larges wave suddenly surged up out of the Thames and its tributaries putting out many of the fires in the city.
"ah the Ladies of the River have taken action!" remarked the man in the old but stylish overcoat.
"some one is going to pay for the damage to my triffid collection!" snarled Dr. A who was glaring at the ruins of his house and garden.
"AH" cooed fluvia using her most seductively dangerous tone of voice,"speaking about that perhaps you gentlemen would like to assist us ...?"
to be continued sooner or later
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Next and next and next
Next next and next
Fluvia was in deep planning mode with the extended Adjunct clan.
A world in which all alternate universes and fictionalities along with other realms continuing to converge was dangerous to everyone. Death could become final and not dependent on rewrites or retro continuity or how popular your character was. Also there were now fairies at the bottom of the garden and not necessarily the nice flowery ones. The distant yelping and shrieking of tormented animals could be heard and that was just under the tea table as Goldie and the dodos fought over scraps and tidbits.
"So..." stated Fluvia, "its agreed we use Lady Zen to get to the Node and fight to make sure one of us is at the front of the queque or brawl or civil war to make the first wish and ..." dark clouds suddenly appeared overhead tinting the daylight with ominous overtones, "Oh that's ... not good." The dark clouds begun to swirling and glow as if they were ash around a fire.
"There's no smiting scheduled!" cried one character.
"Weaponry!" cried another running towards the house, "we need guns!"
A bolt of something like plasma struck downwards vaporizing most of the house and setting fire to the rest and then a minute later a second carved a message into a hillside facing the house.
"New Product! The Schnittatron. Don't wait for Divine wrath! Take your revenge NOW!! Darkoverlord Today! Brought to you by giantmegacolossalcorp! Ha!ha!ha!"
"oh really!" yelped Sassy, "who carves evil laughter? Your series villians are really tasteless!"
JonaHexed pointed up at the sky. The clouds were swirling and glowing again!
"Run they havnt finished! To the ship now!"
The humans raced over the lawn but the most of the dodos panickd and run around in circles shrieking.
"PLOCK! plock PLOCK! plock!"
"Pickie here girl marshmallows!"
"PICKIE!"
Another bolt of pseudodivine wrath struck.
"oh Pickie!" wept several people.
Happily a small flock of slightly smouldering dodos wandered out of the smoke surrounding the impact crater from the bolt in a manner even more dazed and confused than usual for small reconstructed from extinction avians.
"Everyone aboard now!" ordered Fluvia.
Even the dodos complied with a little help from Sassy bravely ignoring the risk of incineration and racing out to round up and herd the dodos to the ship.
Lady Zen Shipper raced from the outskirt sof Swindon towards London followed by dark clouds.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
One last name or more?
One last name.
"so who's the final invite to this party?"
asked Sassy looking up earnestly at Fluvia.
Fluvia stopped and squinted at the list.
"I strongly suspect there are a couple of more names under these stains!"
Goldie peered up at the list.
"Shall we just do the one we ca ... look the letters are changing as I read them!"
Lady Zen Shipper suddenly turned and there was a terrible ugly noise if she was being dragged along something rough and nasty.
Some one shouted.
"The walls are fading!"
"No no they're closing in!"
"I'm melting!"
"No it's a reality reset!"
The walls returned only now they seemed to be made of tinted glass though there was a clear area where a viewing screen had been showing a mass of roiling darkness.
Jonahexed shuddered and went into frantic explanotary mode.
"Someonewastalkingabouthisbackatheclub ... I ... I think we dropped below a critical reader threshold and have been sucked into the Dark Recycling Maelstrom!"
Readers shout out for Teckelstein!
Don't blame me I'm just the scribe.
Next time dodos and imaginary friends and other wierd stuff.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Evil partying
( in which we find out what the villians have been doing and the perverse childishness of a certain big bang of a physicist aids the good guys)
Back at the Node Evil was partying. It was that or fight while they were waiting for the Cintamani to be usable again. The mastermind Mr. L was announcing events.
"Listen up people we have a great variety of exciting and fun events to entertain you while we wait.
THE BALROG Yes THE BALROG will be starting a demo in five minutes on fire whip wielding!
Sauron will be speaking on how to be corporate when you're discorporate.
Plus we have an open bar and sushi and a raffle. First prize an extra chance for a wish. Second prize a higher number in the queue. Third prize ... well which Captain and we have a great selection in our cells do you want to have a special moment with? Also a great talk by Emperor Palpatine on Coping when Evil is your Destiny! For the ladies and some of the guys a demo on poisons and perfumes.
A Little later there will be cosplay ..."
"Did some one say cosplay?" cried a tall person from Texas wearing a black cape who has been compared to a praying mantis, " Is there a Sith Lord section?"
A few genuine Sith Lords hissed or glared at him as he had been trying to get them to play with him for several hours.
"oh you there you are Doctor! Will some one please escort him back to the lab. We need him to watch the monitors for quantum fluctations while we party," ordered Mr. L.
"But I want to cosplay!" sulked the potential Nobel prize if he continued to avoid that lab accident winner as they dragged him off.
Just after as they locked him in the lab and closed the door an alarm went off in the lab and some captive AI squealed.
"Alert Quantum fluctations indicate return of Teckelstein. Warning! Warning! Warning!"
"No..." sulked the Texan physicist, "they wouldn't let me cosplay. I don't know what Teckelstein is and I'm not even going to look. They were mean to me and they promised this would be fun!"
So evil partied on unaware of the threat of Teckelstein approaching.
To be continued at the usual erratic rate.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
News from which real world
News From Which real world ?
In an certain office within a certain heritage building in a famous city with lotsa monuments and museums including now a Jeffersonian and an Smithsonian some one was adding to a list on a whiteboard and some one else was looking very unhappy.
"Sir some good news Godzilla has driven away from Tokyo by a taskforce of anime and manga robots mechas cyborgs and an air squadron lead by a pilot called The Red Pig (Scribal Clue Studio Ghibli production translate into Italian).
Tianmenan Square in Beijing is being occupied by pro democracy protestors being shielded by various Buddhist and Taoist deities and you're going to love our phone tap of the Premier begging the Dalai Lama to intercede for him!"
"I'm sure the Dalai Lama loved it too!" replied the alleged Leader of the Free World who was looking out the window watching unicorns gambolling in the rose garden playing with his daughters.
"however Sir? Sir continuing our briefing there are reports of rampaging Sasquatches, Lake monsters galore, and all around the world soap opera characters have been arrested for assaulting their script writers also ..."
A phone rung. Not ominously but cheerfully with a happy old fashioned bring bring bring.
"Sir it's the Chocolate Phone!"
"Sir good news from Prime Minister A. F. Von Teckelstein. They're attempting to break through into our reality from some strange and terrible unrealm they've been trapped in Sir! Sir please put the cigarettes down!"
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Yo Help the Author
Gentle and savage readers your beloved but feeling unloved scribe needs some help.
She's feeling depressed cos the local equivalent of what Americans call community college due to funding cuts abolished both her planned course for this year and a major source of casual employment.
so things you can do
USE the @##%#%$ paypal link
Mention this blog on twitter or facebook or whatever social media you use
Do the same for her art follow her on JVartndesign on Facebook or Twitter and encourage people to visit either
Red bubble
or her Cafe press shop www.cafepress.com/voxyvisions
She's feeling depressed cos the local equivalent of what Americans call community college due to funding cuts abolished both her planned course for this year and a major source of casual employment.
so things you can do
USE the @##%#%$ paypal link
Mention this blog on twitter or facebook or whatever social media you use
Do the same for her art follow her on JVartndesign on Facebook or Twitter and encourage people to visit either
Red bubble
or her Cafe press shop www.cafepress.com/voxyvisions
Friday, 15 February 2013
Lost Sisters
Lost Sisters
"Lena ... oh MR L's sister or daughter or niece or well?" stated Fluvia.
"Sister here we're all sisters here the Lost Sisters" answered Lena, "princesses, warriors, priestesses, and ..."
A tall brunette wearing dark clothes decorated with stars and silver jewellery was walking towards them.
"Donna!" cried out Sassy, Goldie , and Fluvia together!
Donna held her hands out to Bethany and Sinh.
"Time for your lessons girls."
"Donna hello!"
"Whatever you want I'm not going back out there again not back to the endless rewrites and origin changes and having a sister and not having a sister and what they did to my son !"
"NOT even if we're going to a place where there's a Cintamani a genuine wish granting reality altering jewel?" asked Sassy.
Donna looked at them thoughtfully with cool consideration.
Friday, 1 February 2013
The Island of Lost girls
"How do we find the Island of Lost Girls?" yelped Sassy consulting her list.
"Never heard of it myself," stated Fluvia, "Which is Odd. I wrote a thesis on finding lost artifacts missing worlds and secret headquarters of cosmic conspiracies. Then I rewrite it for the mass market as a best selling how to guide series! Which paid for so many delightful things!"
"Island of the Lost Girls!" barked Sassy, "does that mean anything to anyone here?"
"Mmm ... I think I took a fare there once?" stated Reg.
"But where Reg? Where?"
"Somewhere nowhere. They told me to stop the taxi on the edge of a huge mass of clouds and a landing platform suddenly appeared. My fares got out and the platform disappeared and the whole cloud mass MOVED! That was spooky. It rumbled at me and moved off."
"Reg I said Island of the Lost Girls not Disappearing Cloud!" retorted Sassy shaking her head and ears.
"Well the fare was two little girls and the landing platform had a sign saying Welcome Home Lost Girls!" snapped Reg, "and that was so odd I took a special note of the co-ordinates."
"Reg you are the very best Dawllawk in the Multiverse!" cried Sassy.
"I'm the only Dawllawk in the Multiverse," grumbled Reg,
"Here are the co-ordinates ..."
Lady Zen Shipper and her passengers soon found themselves floating somewhere above the Mid West next to a large mass of clouds.
"So how do we get inside the cloud or whatever is inside that cloud?" asked Fluvia studying it through Lady Zen Shippers currently open air lock.
Sassy and Goldie were standing by her feet.
"Oh I had a thought!" exclaimed Goldie.
"A rare and beautiful thing," muttered another of the passengers.
Goldie took a deep breath and exhaled the words.
"HELLO GIRLS WOULD YOU LIKE SOME NEW PLAYMATES!"
The clouds moved.
One section of them reached out and turned into a bridge one end barely touching the ship the other connected to a tunnel.
Sassy placed one paw on the bridge then another and then confident it was solid trotted across it followed by Goldie and then Fluvia.
The tunnel lead to an open meadow with fruit trees and swings and flowers and a shallow clear brook leading into a small pond perfect for wading or swimming.
Girls were playing in it with unicorns and puppies and kittens and griffins.
Two girls however were practicing martial arts feinting at each other.
Sassy run over to them calling out what she hoped were their names.
"Hello are you Bethany and Sinh?"
"And I'm Lena!" announced a petite girl walking towards them.
To be continued.
What will our band of misfits refugees and leftovers do next?
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