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Herding Cats

Herding cats and dragons.

Organizing dragons into groups for joint action is a feat similar to herding cats. Unlikely but possible if the cats have a common gaol.

Pleasing a human they're fond of. Defending kits. Receiving praise.

Getting an annoying small dragonoid to go away.

Then again they may just ignore every effort you make.

Goldie had been sitting on a beach for quite some time next to a pile of collectables and bling shrieking bulging and yodelling in every dragonish lanaguage she know attempting to attract attention so she could get a larger sea dragon or a flier to get her over and up to Dragonmont.

Several potential cusotmers were circling overhead. Some of them had swooped down and attempted to help themselves or taunted her screaming back,
"Oooh look its the LITTLE Goullawk!"

"Hey look its the girl who got banned from Dragonmont!"

Golid retorted loudly.

"Hey I've got Sara Lee Chocolate Cheesecake and it's defrosting ..."
Goldie paused to take a deep breath before she screamed,
" . . . and I've got Pavlova ... and Dwarf Wrought Gold Collars  ... and EMBROIDERED QUILTED EGG WARMERS from a Suzhou workshop and ..."

There was apparently a surfeit and surplus of gold collars and sweet treats but egg warmers were in demand!

Soon a few doting mothers descended and begun to inspect the goodies.

There was a brief tantrum of wing clattering and threats and tail spiking until one female dragon with steam emitting spikes drove off the others.

"Iski!" sqealed Goldie in delight,"You're in egg?! Oh I can godmother him or her! Sooo how come you're willing to defy the High Flight and get me up to Dragonmont."

"Hey I'm between books and you know me ...  me take orders from anyone unless I profit and most of the High Flight are BOYS! I can outfly them easily! So time for showing how splendid I am in flight. Flump into my harness dear and we'll be up up and away!"

There was a rumor that Dragonmont was situated on an actual world rather then being a dreaming place and that it was one occupied maybe even created by the Dragonoid equivalent of posthumans who had transcended physicality. The constellations moved. There were seasons and storms and cloudy skies to dive through yet sometimes the clouds took on dragon like shapes and had eyes. Ancient sometimes kindly sometimes angry but definitely non human eyes.

Iski and Goldie however were not thinking about that. Iski was trying to catch a thermal and rise up towards the summit of Dragonmont. Dragonmont was an enormous large island probably volcanic in origin though martian size volcanoes were not normally possible on Earth type planets. Especially not volcanoes with grottoes both natural and carved and a plentitude of hot and cold springs and cliffs to soar and glide off and wide ledges and caves for nesting and multiple rings of coral reefs swarming with fish of all sizes.

The lower slopes had villages of friendly biped species willing to groom dragons and make jewellery for them and some race had carved steps and ramps and roads spiralling up and through the mountain side. There were castles to explore and crystal towers and singing stones and a patrol of Guardians racing outwards towards Goldie and Iski.

"YOU!" roared the leader, "are banned from these august and blessed slopes!"

Iski roared back and then folded her wings and plummeted downwards and made a narrow escape into a cloud bank thickening into a storm. he headed inwards toward what would be the eye of the storm. Lightning was starting to flicker from cloud to cloud and dangerously close but Iski fearlessly caught a updraft towards the top of the clouds. The air was thin and dark above but the summit of Dragonmont was visible . As they exited the storm behind them the clouds briefly shifted to a face that winked and smiled  like a boddhisattva if a boddhisattva could be a Dragon.

Stars were visible at the summit of Dragonmont and vast ancient beings resting on the warm ashes that gently rose from an inner cone. Eyes opened to study Iski and Goldie even before Goldie called out to them.

"Hello everyone I'm back. Yes already and have I got news for you!
Some very naughty people are trying to re-arrange the multiverse again and they tried to delete Teckelstein! Isn't that just so bad?!

"A multiverse or any universe with less dachshunds mmmm?" grumbled one of the High Flight.

"Were you NOT told of being banned from this holy place?" hissed another.

A third one stood up and lumbering closer to Goldie and Iski and reached out with one limb in a manner that suggested he could easily and willingly flick Goldie off the summit with one extended claw.

Iski hissed inhaled and shook her ruff to its full extent and coiled her tail and hind parts around the Goullawk.

The Goullawk poked her head up over Iski's protective embrace and glanced at them like a parrot considering sidling along a cage bar to approach a treat.

"Well a fine way to greet a Lady this is!" she snapped.

Some one sniggered in a very unenlightened and vulgar manner.

"Has it occurred to any of you if Teckelstein goes this place might be the next target?" asked Goldie.

There was a brief chorus of hissing groaning and bellowings of denial and annoyment.

"Why is this a problem? We can defeat any fool who invades!" replied one.

Goldie squeezed out of Iski's coils and flumped over to him.

She stared up at the huge Elder and then turned around to look at the others.

"I live in Teckelstein when I' m not living adventures.
If Teckelstein goes then I'll need a new home.
I may be banned from Dragonmont but not the rest of this world ..."

"YET!" snapped another Dragon elder.

"and if Teckelstein goes I WILL move here!"

Some one made an odd choking noise so faint it was hard to tell if it was  a muffled sound of apprecation of the Goullakw's defiance or gagged horror at the prospect of Goldie taking up full time residence.

"And" continued the Goullawk, "I'll apply to join the council which means one of you will have to supervise my trials mmm?"

There was a brief silence while the Elders conferred telepathically.

"All right what do we have to do to get you back home!"


Goldie very smugly started reciting details and plans.

To be continued at the usual erratic pace sometime soon.

Next time maybe another look at Teckelstein.

Still the wrong way to London.

After a few hours of shuffling hesitant attempts at repairs and annoying  zombie like from moans in the background from those occupants who'd faded into terminal dementia there was a brief period of frantic hysteria amongst the  Lost Souls of the Space Sargasso when Goldie started her own special brand of motivation which was a good circulation boosting tail slapping. Being hit by Goldie's tail flukes was a sensation perhaps best compared to being hit by a rubber coated Japanese Samurai Iron war fan. Effective and non lethal.

Finally Lady Zen Shipper's battered surface was patched with a mixture of quantum foam broken glass and fragments of miracle machines from old comics and pulp fiction and most of the Lost Souls had embarked save a few who refused to believe they could either leave or survive the transit and who had barricaded themselves into the bar.

Lady Zen Shipper lifted off on the top of the 1950s spaceship she had crashed on at arrival and slowly spin up to full speed.

Various people either closed their yes and prayed crossed their fingers tentacles or other manipulators or whimpered as Sassy reached out one paw to push down a huge button labelled Improbability Drive.

A Hourglass with two dice in it popped up of the control panel and spun.

The ship shuddered and shook and then everything blurred.

Reality returned as with a loud splash.

On the viewing screens was a sea with islands and one particularly large island. Winged beings were circling it. They were not Avian.

Goldie glared at the screen.

"All right before your nagging future self shows up again just give me the list. The universe is clearly telling me I have to go and suck up to my frenemies distant cousins and a few past and present boyfriends. Just haul this lot back to London and I'll join you later !" snarled an exasperated Goullawk, quite willing to do the right thing but annoyed at having to be both told and reminded to do it!

Goldie was also annoyed because she faced a long climb.The local reality parameters allowed for magical levitation or wind manipulation and natural flight but not antigravity devices. Unfortunately there were several hundred maybe thousand steps up to the top of Dragonmont unless she could persuade some one to fly her up. Or pay them. Fortunately she had some dragon size jewellery in her wardrobe.

(Goldie's wardrobe is rather like the kit of a certain former soldier now working in a certain city watch. Warehouse size. Full of objects perhaps not acquired by fully legal or ethical methods. Her definition of borrowing was even looser than that of certain Miniature English Hominids.)

Lady Zen Shipper took off minus a few Lost Souls who liked the idea of living on a tropical island as Goldie started swimming towards Dragonmont.

Next Time Goldie on Dragonmont.

Most dragons are bling obsessed carnivores with healthy appetites for metal objects and animal protein and limited social skills.

Can Goldie persuade them to help?

Are Group activities run by Goullawks possible?

AWK!


 

THE WRONG WAY TO LONDON

Reg being a skilful driver evaded some curiously half hearted pursuit and soon had the girls back at Lady Zen Shipper who was soaking up the SoCal sunlight.

"Now ladies Supper's at Seven! Sure you don't want me to fly along you?"

"Really Reg how much trouble can we get into just flying to London?"  retorted Sassy.

Reg swivelled a sensor down at the dachshund and went into ominous silence mode being unable to glare at them with no neck external eye or indeed face. He sighed which for him was a low buzz of static.

"Just be careful girls!"

And being a careful driver he went into sleath mode as soon as he took off but the girls however were not and it was Goldie's turn to drive.

It wasnt long before they were being buzzed by USAF jets.

"Honestly Goldie did you have to fly over Nevada!" snapped Sassy as she nuzzled the speed dial up to supersonic,"you know how much that disturbs certain people!"

"But it makes the Area 51 campers so happy when they spot a UFO!" replied Goldie.

The UFO spotters down in Area 51 might have been excited to spot two UFOs if the vessel following them hadn't been in sleath mode.

Its one fully conscious occupant was chortling while evilly draped around the shoulders of a person who was familiar with Sassy and Goldie's piloting skills and battle strategies or lack thereof.

The sinister sentient cloth known as Dark Caper to some and Idiot Cousin to family had possessed  Jonahexed!

As they reached the Eastern Seaboard the first sleath missile struck Lady Zen Shipper not only marring her exterior but releasing a swarm of nanites that began to eat through her surface.

The ship shuddered and begun to spin faster and faster trying to shake them off and then resorted to the dangerous strategy of literally shedding her outer layers and shielding. Chunks of metal plastic and wierd alloys fell to the ground however causing no more than minor damage as most of them landed on a toxic waste dump not occupied by any mutants or monsters and the nanites eat up all the toxic waste before becoming inert so it eventually became a wetland and nesting site for migrating birds. Another piece  burnt through the windshield of a car full of Creationists on their way to a school board meeting thereby making them too late to vote to ban text books, and yet another fragment set fire to a nearby drug dealer's house.

These three events ultimately led to a group of witnessing teenagers deciding science might be more interesting than getting stoned, actually passing  the next day's chemistry exam, since with no illegal drugs available they went home and studied, and then going on to become a group of researchers who developed life saving drugs.

Normally if this  badly damaged Lady Zen Shipper would have automatically done an emergency transdimensional either to Teckelstein or a friendly nearby reality but with a horrible churning noise she jumped elsewhere and landed on something metallic with a loud clanking noise.

"Where are we now?" asked Goldie shaking dust out of her crest feathers.

"Oh even I thought that was a legend!" exclaimed Sassy looking at the forward screen, "I think ... maybe ... really .... wow we're in the space Sargasso ... the Full Metal Junkyard ... or some's private museum?"

Outisde parked or cabled to asteroids or just drifting were starships and air ships and strange devices and steam punk machines and flotsam and debris and a few giant robots with space travel capacity.

One asteroid however seemed to have several buildings on it and a sign saying "The End of the Line".

"No Sassy this is  simply can not be the dreadful Space Sargasso. That would mean our following of active readers has fallen low the fannish inverse critical threshold ... " Goldie paused to check to see if her tail flukes were fading.

Sassy whimpered "  ...aa ... an .... some of those ships look like they're fading out at the edges ... losing color ... becoming  flat and twodimensional..." She spun around trying to nip her tail and feet to check they were still there.

"oh happy idea Galpal if there are people out there we can use them to repair the Lady or swap for spare parts or something."

"Swap what this time? Your lingerie collection? Silk is only a barterable item in some parts of the multiverse."

"Oh well you know me I might just have a few collectables stashed around the ship mmm?" Goldie flumped out to to do a tally.


The End of the Line was probably one of the dreariest saddest pathetic bars in the multiverse full of depressed beings or worse people trying the cheer them up or people trying to get drunk or recovering from hangovers and everything was shades of gray or worse faded pastels and smelt of bleach.

There were clone troopers with cracked armor and cyborgs with plastic patches in odd places and robots with missing eyes and a fat bartender with tentacles instead of a beard who was slumped over the bar unconscious and the occupants barely stirring even when Goldie surged inot the middle of the barroom shrieking,

"Rise and shine people two ladies in distress are looking for repairs for their ship!"

A few people blinked. One person even stood up but instead of approaching them moved to a position where he could ignore them more easily.

Sassy tried nudging one of them on the knee and using the winsome charm of tilted head and wistful eyes. No response.

"We have money!" shrieked Goldie.

Some one laughed bitterly.

"We have fans and an author typing struggling to get us out of here!"

"Your author is still alive?" asked a woman wearing a silver overall.

"You could have her rewrite us into an active story?" asked another?

Fresh air suddenly moved through the bar and the bartender woke up and started serving drinks.

" and Lady Zen shipper just needs some shielding and spare ammo and we'll take as many of you as we can back to London with us."

"The REAL London ..." sighed a minor character," to be real and solid and ... and ... "

"Sassy" whispered Goldie none of these people are on your list?
Is this the right way to get back to London?"

"MMM well we went the wrong way going over Nevada," Goldie humphed,
"but helping these people puts us back the right way surely?"

"so the worng way is the right way is the wrong way is the ... er lets just fix the ship and get out of here!"

Help power up the girls above the fannish threshold!

Tell a friend or two or three or hundred about Temporal Pests!

Next The long wrong way to London!

Toil and Trouble and Time Machines.

Sassy and Goldie were trotting across through a section of the Node called the Gallifrey Memorial Garden when Sassy's future self appeared again.

"You're going the wrong way!" she snarled.

Sassy instinctively if impolitely barked back and Goldie coiled backwards and hissed.

The future self whined in exasperation sat down and used one back paw to pull out a note tucked in her collar.

"I got someone to write me a note. Here's a checklist of things I've done since I know how short some people's attention spans are!"

"Yes Sassy when chocolate's nearby your ..." interrupted Goldie.

"I was being VERY polite when I used an indefinite pronoun instead the word two!" grumbled future self Sassy, pointing her muzzle at a certain Goullawk.

"Number One obtain strap on time travel device."

"But we have Lady Zen Shipper!  ... has something happened to her?" asked Sassy.

"Number Two contact ALL the people listed on the back of this note.

Number Three release prisoners! by the way they have Jonahexed!

Number Four

 One wish is all it takes but apparently I willnt be the one making it according to the person who told me that

Number Five Watch out for people who look like  two middle aged hikers with English accents and a teenaged girl who isn't called Tara."

The paper with the list fell to the ground as Future Self Sassy either disappeared or imploded with a loud POP.

Sassy and Goldie sat there puzzled until Reg came out of sleath mode and descended to land next to them.

Reg came out of his taxi saw the list and started to read it and turned over and read the list on the other side.

"Well you two have work to do don't you?

There's an awful lot of dragons on this list Goldie?"

"WHY do I have to do the dragons!?" complained the the Goullawk swashing her tail and imperiously rising her head and spreading her crest.

Reg retorted with a list.

"Dragonoid being with scales. Who speaks several darkish lingos.
 Domineering personality. Dates other dragons. Dates outside her species.
Has one reluctant boyfriend who's a dragon mage.
Goes shopping with someone even more obsessed with bling with her for gold plated prosthetics for poor whassa his Gra ... "

"Gold is good!" hissed the Goullawk, " . . . so I helped Iski pick up out a commissioned piece of art work over in Ankh and Morpor ..."

"I thought you were banned from most of the dwarvish jewellers there?" asked Reg in a tone of almost malevolent innocence.

"I really don't need a trip to Longshan at the moment," hissed Goldie.

"It's Luau night there! You always try to get barbecue nights unless ... oh you haven't been banned again have you? OH Goldie what was it this time?" cried Sassy.

"er mmm er uh well I might have to apologize for both of us to a few people for pamphleteeering again on P.#.$.N." stated Goldie trying too obviously to be cool and nonchalant.

"OOOOH" sniggered Reg," You two been handing out copies of Workers of P.#.$.N UNITE AGAIN!"

Scribal note For some curious reason this song has NOT been widely distributed throughout Fandom.

 "Tunnel Hounds of P.#.$.N Unite
to regain your hearth Rights.

Who keeps the watch wherriess warm at Night
under the cold dread starlight?

who turns the spit for your steaks
who chases off tunnelsnakes ?

Who gets all the darn glory
who hogs most of the story?

who does the work down in the gloom
while dragonkin thru the skies zoom

workers of P.#.$. N. Unite
Regain your ancient right

tunnel hounds no longer ignore
or we'll gnash and smash and gnaw!

oops theres the sound oh so distinct
wonder why lizardies nearly went extinct?

Tunnel Hounds of P.#. $. N. Unite
Regain your ancient Hearth rights!"


"But its for the good of Teckelstein!" barked Sassy

"Er I forget to trim off Proudly Printed by Teckelsteins' Radicals and Rebels Workshop off the bottom" answered Goldie.

The dachshund groaned and slumped to the ground.

"Well ladies I need to get home for supper. You two better come with. Perhaps some of my friends and neighbours might have ideas?"

Meanwhile back in A real world.

There are several worlds universes continuums and dimensions that are (self) regarded as being the prime original source of the all the others.

For sanity and plotting sake I'll presume mine is real.

Anyway in A real world possibly this one a gracious cyborg was offering tea and biscuits to Doctor A who had dropped in on his way home from the office to his own residence further along the road.

"...and I've kept the tea leaves for you to feed the triffids. Are you still having trouble training the delivery people?"

"Well I did get the girls pruned just to be on the safe side but no they all know to leave things by the front door now" replied Dr. A

"So when will Reg be getting back? Do you mind if I watch the evening news here? I'vn't had a chance to finish unpacking the new plasma big screen."

"Oh I'm so looking forward to that!" responded HerInside.

Meanwhile at another REAL world Sassy and Goldie were inside the Cintamani Chapel reading the visitor's book. NO Goldie didnt get stomped by a giant robot it was a near miss though!

"Why are we doing this again if we already know we cant make a wish for three days?" asked Goldie.

"cos if there's not a proper time loop time may branch and guess who will probably have to make the timestreams converge again? "

"oooh that would be you and Jonahexed. You know how I am with physics and there's the whole lack of an opposable thumb thing," answered Goldie.

"ah here's the page with a copy of the wish ... oh Mr. L@$%^# what have you done! But why would that make Teckelstein fade out?" Oh I think we need to phone this and show the page to greater and more twisty minds than ours.

Meanwhile back on Another REAL World Dr. A was turning an interesting shade of pale under his usual public servant pallor as he and HerInside watched the Evening News.

"Another update on the global fan prank trend. Yes all across the world people presumably fans are dressing up as characters and attacking rioting or demonstrating in right or inside of authors home and publishing companies. Live from Ter.. "

Two elderly ladies dressed in dark clothing and holding broomsticks were standing in front of a cowering gibbering author  yelling at a mob consisting of dwarves, trolls, vampires and others, including a group of people who seemed to be wearing Roman armor but carrying police batons, and some very academic looking wizards.

"Clearoff you lot and go home. Leave the poor man alone!"

"And over in the USA there's a herd of angry white horses in the front yard of a certain noted fantasy author In Pasadena  geeks are running riot shouting Bazinga!  and  in New York the head office of a certain media ... well there's explosions screaming and a mob in costumes down in the street demanding friends and relatives be re-inserted into ..."

Dr.A changed the channel yet again.

"Live from Cardiff People are claiming to have seen pterodactyls and ghosts and just in we have footage on what has to be a fan prank a woman in Victorian clothing chasing the producers of Dah ....is she really shrieking  stop damaging my fresh paintwork...!?"

"Reports from Tokyo. Large balloons resembling Gozdilla and other movie monsters are drifting across the bay and are approaching the shoreline. Well we hope they're balloons?!

Meanwhile reports from the South Pacific of undersea volcanoes forming small isles with unusual speed and other odd activities around the Lord Howe rise and certain deep sea ridges ..."

"A publicity stunt or filming for a new War of the Worlds or H. G. Wells movie seems to have misfired literally with reports of explosions, a forest fire, and a replica of his Time Machine falling from the sky and blocking a major roadway ..."

"Scotland yard is under siege or would be if the several versions of Sherlock Holmes hadn't gotten into a fight in the car park. Meanwhile across  people claiming to be fictional detectives pathologists and consultants have showed up for work and taken over offices."

The TV showed a group that seemed to consist of Lord Peter Wimsey, Hercules Poiret, and a small child called Bertie who really should have been in Edinburgh.

Stay tuned for more mayhem and mischief with the Temporal Pests!

A note from your Scribe

Hey people I had to take a week off nursing a sick relative and because it was my birthday so here's a quickie filler post.

Yes like its my birthday so did anyone notice the tipjar?

Popular culture and Science fiction Fantasy references that have been made so far indirectly in Temporal Pests

surely ... shirley okay who missed that one?

shakespearean actors and scifi

cosmic crystals

auditors of reality

time patrols

torchwood and a certain captain

doctor who

charlie stross' laundry novels


oh and I think I forgot to mention that Teckelstein is basically a giant planoforming device or rather a large asteroid planetoid size chunk of terrain enclosed in a planoforming field  now who's read Cordwainer Smith?

next time a look at the consequences for the "real" world of a certain person's wish